Sitting on a Knife Edge Waiting to Be Cut in Two

This notion of getting df'd has got my head spinning.  I wonder if I should fight it and dig up emails that say "you knew this all along" and ask why all of a sudden are you kicking me out now?   Or I should I just go along with whatever they say.  That's what they want anyway, who wouldn't.  It is just that they are so accustomed to people just going along with the program that trying to fight is like condemning yourself to a df verdict.  It is almost like there is no fighting it.  And why do I want to fight it anyway.  If God wants me df'd then df'd I'll be.

What I find troubling is that I am looking forward to it.  I am already thinking of what escorts I want to tag if this happens.  If I do get df'd that will be my biggest issue:  how to keep moving toward the straight and narrow.  So from a basic point, why does dfing exist?

1. discipline - spaning doesn't work well for adults
      a.  Of course discipline is a form of teaching.
2. keep the congregation clean - am I making the congregation dirty?  I suppose so just by being there.  I am certainly not spreading my contaminating influence, well not knowingly.
I GUESS I NEED TO LOOK THAT UP.

I suppose I meet the criteria for a committee, doing rope for years of the egregious kind.  The only thing I can really say is that I haven't tried to hide it from them.  I have put it in emails twice (I think) and brought up in meetings at the very least twice before this latest time.

The behavior is addictive and someone saying, here read this, doesn't help as much as I needed.  But that's all that seemed to be available.

The point about my not hiding it from them and bringing it up multiple times might cut some ice with them.  I still am guilty though.  The question is:  what is the best way for them to deal with me now.

Of course as mentioned before, they (local "elders") did say about 7 years or so ago, that if I did anything else they were going to kick me out.  Well now I have done something more.  It's not the first time I told them about it, but they sure seem more interested now than before.

Another day,

I went to the meeting and no one said anything to me, but I noticed this AM I had a text from the elder dude saying lets talk at the meeting.  He wasn't all that anxious to tell me what he wanted.  (He never is, always wants to talk in person no matter how much it delays things.)  Fahk!  Whatever the hell!  What does it matter, just a few more days thinking that they will kick me out.  Actually this slack jaw lackadaisical attitude might be a good sign.  If they really wanted to kick me out I might have expected them to be a bit more aggressive with their desire to meet and talk more about it.

It' s an interesting concept, thinking that I will be df'd.  And there is precious little I can do to influence the decision one way or another.  It is just crazy how much I was looking forward to it.  It wasn't the sickening dread I should have.  It is like I want to let go.  I am just too tired of holding on to something that it seems no one is interested in my having.

Wild, I just studied the chapter talking about how much God loves his people and I heard the argument that he cares about us individually.  I know it must be true, it is just hard to accept given the way I have been kicked around and ignored by both the world and the congregation.  What can I expect given how much I have disregarded God's instructions.

Again I am reminded of just what a mess I have made of my life.  How very worthless I am and how little it all means.  If I died, it would be all over for me, but in the grand scheme of things, the world would carry on and eventually, probably sooner than I imagine, I will be lost to the collective consciousness of the world here on earth.  It will be like I never existed at all.  *Sigh*  All those damn deadlines and performance reviews and tests I took and promotions I got, or didn't get.  Nothing matters.  It's all vanity right Sol?  So, let us eat, and drink .  .  .

But wait, what about serving God?  The stuff you do really means something.  Oh, but then I have to stop rope, and stop seeing my friends, and read the mags, and study the wt, and read the bbl and do personal study and go to meetings, and change my life pattern to stay awake and memorize scriptures, and confess my sins, and pray and do FS and do taxes and sell stuff and on and on and fahkin' on.  The baretta solution (or He solution for previous readers) is looking not too bad.  Not to say that it isn't worth it.  I am sure that if I do make it, I will be very much afraid of how close I came to that.  But right now, in the situation looking at a mountain of work on one side and the ease of capitulation on the other, it sure is tempting.  It will be even more if I get the boot.

Der Stiefel

So the PR's are done.

They never are quite as  bad as I imagine them to be but I continue to be surprised at how much I resist starting that effort until the last minute.

I need to establish goals for each of the people in the team, but no one is standing over me waiting for that to happen so I'm not going to worry about that.

The sense of pressure is hugely reduced.  Feeling like I do now I would not have scheduled a meeting with the therapist.  But I know I need help so I don't plan to cancel.  I do need to schedule time with my shrink.  The pills really helped and I'd like to have access to them going forward.  I found them to be a bit more effective than head bangin' music (including the seductive strains of the baby lady [Lady Gaga.])

Since I finished I had the immediate desire to go nrop and escort hunting in a "Don't need God anymore so I can play now" knee-jerk reaction.  I almost bought a gift certificate to Private Vicki (um, you can figure that one out,) to let my currently utilized escort know that I really do like her even though I missed a day she was in town recently.  Then I thought of sending it to another escort I researched and contacted but never connected with.  (See early posts for the pathetic story there.)  I've decided that I think she is writing a book on the topic but at 2K for a couple of hours, I can't cut any ice there.

I talked to the "brothers" about Nrop finally.  They made me say what kind of Nrop (guy/gal (check); gal/gal (check); disney (NO); group (check); all else (NO).  But the 2nd and 4th items are considered especially egregious so they are going to form a judicial committee and I'll be tried again, yet again.

I think they will kick me out this time.  The last time they said If I do anything physical again they would kick me out.  This doesn't count as physical but it's bad enough.  We just studied about how loving God is and how he wants his servants to come back and serve him.

Oddly, I am almost looking forward to being df'd.  I will feel free to use my escort friends for more badness, the way that dc did (though she didn't have to pay for it.)  On the other hand I would also want to be stoic about it and show God that even though I am kicked out, I will continue to try to serve him.  I guess I will probably feel unfairly df'd and there will be that "prove them wrong" element.  But honestly they have the preponderance of Holy Spirit.  If they say I am out, I will be out.  Whether or not I do the stupid thing will be up to me, but I can't see myself resisting the temptation.  I guess I better start praying for the strength to resist now.  I feel this is a test that will surely come.

Another day, Tuesday:  despite the material studied that tells me how loving God is, I still hate myself and I believe that God hates what I do so much that I will get swept along in judgment for the things I have done.  Yes, God must love me, he says he does and he encourages us to hate our enemies.  I think of how being df'd will affect the people around me.  There are only a very few who love me and it will hurt them badly.

Whether God will kill me now or not, I don't know, one thing is certain though, I hate myself with a deep and abiding passion.

I am supposed to pray 5 mins a day.  I guess I should start that soon.

Just Another Round of Bad News

Its December and the spring blues have already started to settle around me.  The walls are closing in, there's too much pressure to take; TOTBAS (there ought to be a song) blah blah blah.

Really though, my one release, dating escorts, is just too expensive to be a worthwhile relief.  I do enjoy the time, It is something I really look forward to and I always feel good afterward.  It is a real joy when I can do that.  But at 1300 USD a pop, I just can't keep it up.  I have looked for other less expensive alternatives, but the good ones are always at least 900 base price.  And I just can't pay that routinely.

I don't understand my reaction to medication.  It works, I feel better, I can start to get stuff done.  But I can't seem to keep on taking the pills.  It really has to do with the relationship with the doctor.  I hate talking to them.  I always feel uncomfortable.  They give suggestions that I just don't fit with the church and then I try them and it doesn't work out and then I feel guilty and miss an appointment and everything falls apart.  The last two sets of prescriptions I did not fill.  I don't know why I just didn't get them filled.  I don't get that.  I mean the pills worked, why didn't I keep going?

Now I really need something.  I can feel the walls closing in and it won't be long before I am spending half my time trying to work and the other half working at half speed.  I'll be spending 14 hours per day in the office giving only 75% of what I should.  I can't get away from it.  It is coming and I cannot stop it.

So I started studying, as mentioned earlier, but I just don't see how that is going to help.  No one says it should.  I need them pills.

I need association and it isn't happening in the congregation.  I am sure that is my fault since I am very suspicious of anyone inviting me out since I was there for 5 years by myself and I had one solitary invite that was extended early in that period of time but was not repeated nor imitated.  Now that my gregarious son is around I get more invitations 2 of which I have accepted, but, of course, I don't enjoy it and I feel out of place, and people feel out of place around me.  I just hate myself.  I don't want this anymore.  I feel so awful all the time.  It is getting worse with the shortened days.

I am thinking again about the final solution.  I have my method worked out though I wish I could make it seem like an accident.  Of course God will know it wasn't.  Is enduring this pain worth an eternity of happiness in God's world?  Yes, of course it is.  I just hurt so much that in a fit of pain, I feel like I might cave in and do myself in.

But I do think of the kid and how it would hurt him.   He is a bit of a soft touch even though he doesn't really show it much at all.  Pain, Pain all around.  Pain, ongoing and throbbing.  Not always sharp and intense, though occasionally so.  But always there.  Like tinnitus.  Sometimes more irritating, sometimes less, sometimes very intense, sometimes forgettable.  But whenever I stop to notice, there it is.  And I hate it so very much.  The best I seem to be able to do is to ignore it.

God I hate this so much.  I wish I could get away from it but I cannot.

OK, I am eating cheesecake now.  I feel much better.  Oh my word, even the sign is edible.  It is our phone vendor hawking their product.  Lousy product & service offering, but good cheesecake.

Well, the next day is here and, predictably, I am feeling like sh*t again.  I just don't have the stamina to keep putting up with this day after day.  I just hate all this.

And now it's Monday.  Friday I got maybe 2 hours of work done.  The weekend was a complete bust, Just TV, no study, no meetings.  Not anything of value except perhaps sleep and rest, both of which I got too much of.  Crap, this is in full swing.  I really hate this.  I cannot get over it.  Today i maybe got 2 hours of work done.  Best I could do.

I guess there was one good thing about this weekend, I didn't look at nrop.  I didn't knife out either but those two things go together like white on rice.  Yes there is brown rice but .  .  .  Of course the question is, which is the white/brown and which is the rice.  I don't care to think that deeply on the topic.

Anyway my head is starting to hurt and I am loosing (have lost) focus on work probably for the rest of today.  Nonetheless, I might be able to get in a little more effort so I am sticking it out a bit longer.

I really wish I could see some solution but I really don't.  I don't see how I will ever make friends in this congregation.  How I will deal with the taxes.  How I will sell my stuff, how I will know enough to go out in FS again.  How I will be able to keep up a regimen that allows me to be able to join the TMS again.  How I will be able to resist Linda or Lilly if they come in town again.  I really don't think I could resist.  Certainly if any more reasonably priced alternative were available of similar attributes, I would would fail to resist the temptation.

I just don't know how to deal with this.  I am devastated by this recurrent failure.  It is like I need to reset, but once I stop, I can't get started again.

Headache is getting worse now.  I ain't getting up for more coffee.  I decided to quit drinking coffee in the afternoon.  I do drink one soda though.  I'm still sipping on that.

Loneliness is my only companion these days.  I am so fail at getting past that.   I have been so awful at dealing with this.

Headache getting really bad now.  I may have to cut short the day.

Epic fail.

It is Wednesday.  I am trying and mostly failing to write Performance reviews   Not more than a dozen or so to do but I hate doing them so much I just can't seem to get traction.  I've been praying over this all day.  I'll be at work until about 8:00 PM.   I don't understand why I find this so difficult.  It was never so difficult in the years before I had an insane number of people reporting to me.  I can't make this happen.  I sit around wringing my hands and dreading the next moment.  I swear that next year will be different (same as I did last year, and the year before that.)

Another evidence that I so very hate my life.  Yet and still, this job does not interfere with study meetings prayer or service except on very rare occasions which I could really work around if I just wanted to.  What a crap cake I have made of my existence.   I pray about my problems until they are gone and then go back to the same old crap again.  For cryin' out loud!  Why don't I fix this?  What do I have to do?

Oh yea, and my psychologist hasn't called back.  Of course I abandoned that relationship many months ago, so I can blame anyone.  It's just yet another *sigh*  Maybe I can reach out to a psychiatrist.  S/he will want about $500 to go forward - minimum!  Probably more like $600.

I guess it has been worse in recent years.  This just sure as hell isn't fun not that things are not as bad as they once were.  I'm in total collapse now.

So in my last post, I was toying with the idea of asking for a study.  Well I did, via email.  I got a response that this "warmed the heart" of the recipient which I have difficulty understanding.  It seemed more like the person would breath a dejected sigh that they have to deal with me again.  I took it as a confusing sign.  I have long known (but rarely accepted, to my chagrin) that you have to look at a person's actions not their words.

So I talk to the guy after a meeting and he says, "let's do coffee and talk about this?"  I am thinking "What the hell?  Why would we schedule some future time to discuss this when we are both here now?"  I responded "We can talk right here."

"OK" he says.  He asked about my routine and I mentioned that all I do is study the Wt in the mornings.  He suggested adding a daily scripture and read the bible a chapter a day.  I said OK.  Then he said let's talk again in 2 weeks.  *Sigh*  What am I going to say to that?  "F*ck no! Let's get this show on the road!  I haven't done Jack for the last 10 years now let's rock and roll!"  No, of course not, that would be really stupid, not to mention unChristian.  So now I'm just waitin' and trying (mostly failing) to read the Bible as suggested.  I can feel the despair creeping back into my life.  I need to pray more.

Today I found that I was having a lot of trouble studying the Wt.  Then I put on some Goth and was at least able to get a few paragraphs done.  That's wierd.  The Goth seems to entangle part of my brain that is keeping the other part from studying.  I don't understand it but it seems to work.

I don't think it was this bad earlier this year.  Maybe it is the time change and the additional hours of darkness.

I was listening to a program on line and a GB person used Ezekiel 3:18,19

When I say to someone wicked, ‘You will surely die,’ but you do not warn him, and you fail to speak in order to warn the wicked one to turn from his wicked course so that he may stay alive,+ he will die for his error because he is wicked,+but I will ask his blood back from you.*+ 19 But if you warn someone wicked and he does not turn back from his wickedness and from his wicked course, he will die for his error, but you will certainly save your own life.*+

He used as a specific example an inactive person whose relatives think that somehow God will understand when judgment day comes.  Using this scripture as evidence he concluded that This God, the God of the bible says something different.

I don't do FS which means I am not warning people which means (as well as I understand it, and as supported by his (the GB person) as well) I ain't gonna make it into the GtCwd.  *Sign*.  (I actually do that a lot in real life.  I recall once, when I was married my wife got so irritated at me b/c I had just sighed.  I was surprised b/c I wasn't even aware of how much I do so.  Now when I am around my brother I hear him doing the same thing all the time, and I get irritated.)  Anyway, I am a dead man walking as far as I can tell.  That last phrase, "as far as I can tell."  I guess I still hope that God will understand even after the GB person slammed the door on that thinking.  I know I F*cked up my life. God didn't choke the holy spirit to a point where I couldn't make the right decision, I turned my back on him.

People keep saying "remember that Christ died for you personally" I am sure that is true.  Bible says it, GB applies it this way.  I am sure there is something to that line of thinking. Yes it must be right.  It is still hard to get my head around it.  I keep thinking that he died for good people, not my lame and broke down self.  I suppose Manassas was even more broke down than me given his history.  Satan doesn't yet have me sitting in a prison cell, so I haven't taken as much time as I am sure Manassas had to consider it.  I hope I do so in more comfortable circumstances.  Who knows.  God may allow Satan to do the same to me.  Even though that if I am persecuted for his sake, I still believe he won't let me be tempted beyond what I can take.  I do believe I will fail that test.  i have failed most others.

I looked at nrop again this weekend. many times.  I still haven's shaken that.  I am sure I will though; after I kick the bucket, I won't have any interest in that anymore.  And, of course God won't have any interest in me.  So things are bad but I also intellectually know that God will help me if it is not too late.

So it's 2 weeks later now and I did the first study with the dude.  It is pretty much what I expected, just reviewing material.  But I think I need that.  I don't have expectations of making any real connection.  The guy I am studying with is a nice guy.  He wants me to get in touch with the feelings of love (agape) God has for us.  That's a good idea, but it is more of an intellectual concept for me.

Someone switched off the nrop channel in my head for a couple of weeks.  Now the pain in the groin is back that comes from fluid buildup without regular release.  It won't kill me but it sure is uncomfortable.  With that comes the mental nrop that just comes bustin' out.  I guess there is no escaping that.

I decided to get with my son and read the Bible regularly.  We've made it two times now.  Yahoo!  I'm supposed to go to visit family this weekend.  Right after I made that appointment my current paid companion sent me a note saying she'd be in town this weekend.  If I hadn't just made arrangements I am sure I would have met with her, even if just for an hour or so.

I'm having more trouble concentrating at work.  I have to listen to music to get myself going.   Goth still works best, but my Femme-Fatale music collection is also getting a work out, along with Modern Strings.

I am not very encouraged now.  I have been here so many times and just failed again and again.  Whatever!  Giving up is giving up on life, and I'm not ready to do that.  I know I won't pass the test when Lilly comes to town (if she ever does.)  I am almost sure I won't pass when Linda comes next time.  It's like when you get the first two cards to stand up independently.  All towers start with the first stone, but, really; how many towers were started compared to the number that were actually completed to a degree that meant anything.  I just can't get excited at this point.

I just feel limp.  It's just so very frustrating, knowing that you are likely to die at God's hand and having tried so many times that further attempts seem so futile; the challenges are daunting and I have failed so many times before.

D*mn, I just hate myself and my life and my situation and all the badness I have poured upon myself in my life of disservice to God.  Such futility, and the sword of the IRS hangs over me ready to cut me in half.  Actually that would be too kind,  It will begin  the first of thousands of cuts, I don't know when.

Something Has Got to Change

Lilly (first and only other paid companion apart from Linda) indicated that she feels that guys have a "reason for seeing an escort" and then a "real reason for seeing an escort."   I think I have figured out my "real reason for seeing an escort."  It is because it is one woman I can go out with that won't laugh at me, act rude and treat me nicely.  Of course it is because they are being paid to do that (the costly ones anyway.)  I need that so badly I am willing to plunk down many hundreds of dollars in a single evening to have that experience.  I suppose it is a date with a beautiful woman with very low probability of rejection.  That's it.  (I am starting to really believe that I don't want the "benefits", though as I type this I am getting really concerned that I "think I am standing.")

Fortunately the cost is the hard limit that I am not going to overcome.  I will realize the expense before long and I will stop.  There is little question in my mind.  The one firm limit in my life is how much money to which I have access.  Like everyone else, more isn't enough and the more I have the more I want.

I really need to think about other things.  Studying the Bible, Exercising, Learning professionally and Eating responsibly.  Those are the things that can improve my life.  The trouble is I am taking such little interest in those things.  It might be a part of the symptoms of depression.  I suppose it is, given the fact that the other symptoms are there in such large measure.

I am a badly broken man and like a rocket that has lost its primary guidance mechanism I am continuing to fly around aimlessly.  It is not always apparent but an aircraft flying without control damages itself as the flight limits are exceeded and this has been happening for years.  If I manage to avoid disintegration with that mechanism, then inevitably I will one day either crash into the ground, crash not another flying object or simply run out of fuel.  The final possibility is God comes along and takes me out and, having died at God's hand, I will have no hope.  (See the earlier post depicting the imaginary gates of Hell.)

I can't turn this around.  I am too damaged.

So I was thinking about this a couple of days ago.  I realized that the elders "count" their time when they study with me, so they can't appear to be pushing as study on those who are look warm to the ides else they could be perceived as padding their service time with easy hours.  So maybe that's why they didn't probe even the mildest of resistance to the notion.  Honestly, If I say "I don't see the benefit .  .  ."  I am still a bit surprised they wouldn't offer to mention the benefit unless they were afraid of something.  This reasoning seems to make sense, but it may be just as foolhardy as reasoning that the flat earth rests on the backs of 4 elephants who are standing on a giant sea turtle.  In essence I have little idea on what makes those guys do what they do.

Anyway, I am thinking of asking them for help yet again.  I think that from their own perspective they have offered help on many occasions and I have refused it.  (That's not my observation but I think it is their view.)  It has been over a year since I met them last.  The Cheese isn't coming for a few months so they aren't even thinking about me, whatever.

So if I ask for help I expect nothing more than another meeting where two guys sit, look at me and say:  What's the problem.

I'll tell them the same thing I told them the last time: I don't do FS, I don't study enough, I don't pray enough.  And I expect them to say, "well you need to:  read your Bible, study more, pray more and go out in FS."  Or perhaps they are a bit more insightful and say:  "well, you need to read your bible and stop being depressed, and get a hobby."  

Maybe they will do like the last couple of times and say:  "What do you want us to do?"  If that happens I have to be prepared to suggest a solution rather than saying the first thing that comes t mind: "<expletives and expletive laden coarse phrases deleted>"  Rather I need to come up with some ideas as to how they could help:

1. Study w/me
2. Be nice to me at the meetings.
3. Stop treating me like a red-headed bastard step-child.  (Actually I almost said ADHD step-child.  However such children cannot be ignored.  It is very easy for them to ignore me.  What a crock this is, I'm 55 years old and trying to figure out how to get people to stop ignoring me.)
4. Go out in FS with me.
5. Invite me out sometimes

Item #1 is the only practical solution
I am too proud to say #2.  It also allows me to see what people are really feeling.  Not trying to project something based on knowledge I would rather they not have.
Item #3 is about the same as #2.
Regarding #4, I'm not ready to do FS so I don't think that is likely.  Possible modify this to pactice for FS with me.  maybe it could be combined with #1.
Item #5 is impractical because I'd like to know that someone really wants me there if I get an invitation.  Right now I can't tell if people invite me because they want me there or if they are doing it because my son was complaining that I'm never invited.  So I don't want to exacerbate that situation.

So the only thing they can do is to study with me.  It's not like knowing the fractional additional knowledge will help anything, but the additional study time I'll need to put in and the association during the study itself will help.

I've got no idea if I'm really gonna do this thing.

Paid Companion Seems About Right -- And God Sees It All

I did meet with Linda (paid companion to those new to the blog) last week and had a wonderful time.  We met at a restaurant that turned out to be really nice but not too very costly.  The meal was OK and the interaction was very cordial. (I was aware of that issue I have recently seen discussed regarding spotting an escort with her "john,"  a hot chick with the dufus looking guy.)  I think I did stand out in that way even though I attempted to mitigate the situation by wearing a sport coat.   I decided to come early but that was completely the wrong thing.  The more powerful person should always arrive last.  I did manage a calm greeting, getting up and doing the "nice to see you again" hug.  I tried to look confident and it felt like I pulled it off at the time but thinking back on it, I am sure it looked exactly like what was really happening.

I found Linda to be a truly multifaceted individual.  She is smarter than I first imagined her to be (and yet still every bit as pretty if not more so.  At one point I found myself a bit awe-struck.  She was describing how she bravely made radical changes in her career choices pulling off a significant career shift based on wise advice.  One point for further consideration arose from when I first met Linda.  She seemed really excited to see me.  I was a bit surprised by how enthusiastic she was and have wondered about it a couple of times.  I'm not sure what was going on in her mind; I may never will as she has probably forgotten by now.

The gift for her was some underwear from MeUndies.  She seemed to like it but obviously couldn't totally unwrap it at the restaurant.  More on that later.  I also explained that I had her secretary's gift back at my hotel a couple of blocks away but didn't want to bring it since the box was large.  I suggested we pick it up on her way back.  I wasn't sure how that would go over so I mentioned that as a "possibility" and didn't dwell on it.  I figured she could evaluate how she wanted to handle that as things went on during this session.

So when we got back to my hotel I couldn't determine if she might wait downstairs for me to fetch the gift for her secretary from my room, but she seemed to have no hesitation following me up.  I had the package near the front door to mitigate any concern she might have of "something else going on."

She was happy to accept Terri's boxed gift.  She then began unwrapping her own gift.  Hers was smaller (although more expensive) and I couldn't tell if she was disappointed or not.  She said all the right works, thanks you, it is so <fill in adjective>, it's really nice.

The next day I followed up with a note to her secretary indicating that I had a great time with Linda.  I heard nothing from her for a bit.  After about 4 days I heard from her secretary indicating that she absolutely loved the wine glasses I bought for her.  I sent the standard "your welcome" response and she replied to that indicating how much she loved them.  Wallowing in my own ridiculous illogic (OK, not a real word) I imagined that Linda was jealous of Terri's gift.

When I got Linda's response I became somewhat comfortable that she really did like her own gift.  She mentioned again how <nice or whatever> the items were and how she would use them.  She also mentioned that she  looked up the manufacturer for additional similar items.  I've concluded that she did like and appreciate the gift.

So back to the moments on the date with Linda, during all the back and forth with Terri's gift and Linda's gift there were a couple of hugs exchanged.  The first one could have been a kiss but I was already aiming for a sibling appropriate hugging motion when I realized she was aiming differently.  I couldn't redirect myself in time without it being awkward.  

She was wearing a short jacket so the hug wasn't as "nice" as the firs hug from her when she was in a sleeveless dress.  The brief sensation during the release motion when my hand slid along her upper arm was probably the first adult human display of affection I had experienced in many many months.  Actually the last prior time would have been with my ex when I was seeing her and feelings started to develop again.  But given the state of affairs now, I look back on any displays of affection with the ex in disgust.  On this date, even though we hugged a few times, her coat blunted the tactile sensation.

So as we were standing there chatting for a few seconds I realized that I could not see her eyes.  She mentioned her eyes were blue, but at first mention, in the restaurant, her face was not well illuminated.  So with her in the hotel, I walked her over to a hanging fixture and looked directly into them.  They are, in fact grey blue.  There is definitely blue there but at first blush I would call them grey or hazel.  She mentioned that when she is nervous, they turn more blue and told me the story about how her mother used to say mean things to her just before a photographic session to get them to turn more blue.

Things ended with a final good night (sibling appropriate) hug and the date was over.  I know she was getting a bit tired.  She let it slip when she asked for the check at the restaurant.  I was a bit disappointed that she was even aware of the passage of time.  Not entirely surprising though.  I really should have set up things for Monday evening.  I am sure Sunday was a long day for her since she had flown in earlier that day.

Looking back it was like meeting a happily married best friend from College who happened to be in town for a couple of days.  I actually had the almost identical experience with an unmarried best friend from college about 5 years earlier.  That one didn't cost me a grand like this one did.  (No, that relationship never went anywhere but into the toilet; I can't remember if I related that earlier in this blog.)

So now I relate that to more recent bible study which clearly illustrated the dangers of poor choice of association.  I also think of the notion of using Match or other dating services.  Actually I think that would be more dangerous.  things will never go anywhere with Linda (or Lilly.)  It is just way, way too expensive to maintain a long term relationship with either of them.  I am discovering that I really don't want the "benefits" (as in friends with benefits.  Though, maybe I think I am standing - inside Jw comment.)

I am starting to think about fs again.  Not that I think I am close, but I am not sure I want to put any more obstacles in that path than I already have.  Actually it might be like adding a wooden brace to a door that is already welded shut.  Honestly that's probably a fair assessment (if I continue to avoid the "benefits.")  The cost element is something that I simply cannot overcome for any length of time.  I am already well beyond what I could have imagined during any sane moment.

Oddly enough, the lack of money is probably a key factor in my safety all these years.  I just can't afford to steer off into oblivion spiritually speaking.  I think that's why, when I am really poor and in financial trouble, I start to behave more spiritually.

What a jerk I have become.  And God just sees it all .  .  .

My Best Friend

Being fat and seeking slim is such a contradiction.  So is trying to be a Jw and seeking paid female companionship, and here I am doing both.

I like the job I have and I hate it at the same time.  I really need to make a change.  I need to get out of my comfort zone and deal with these issues as quickly and effectively as possible.  Not doing so will likely result in my death.  Not that many would notice, probably on ay a very few.  And all because of what, a pretty face (and gorgeous body?)

Of course it is not worth it, but as I am so starved for attention from an intelligent adult, I feel almost forced to give in.

Whatever drivel from above is at least a month old.  The issues are still raw and throbbing but more like a dull pain that has been around for a long time.

I have another appointment with my new best friend:  Linda Hunt (not her real name, duh.)  It is so expensive I am thinking about just cancelling and using the money to buy something I really need like a record player.  Honestly the only way I could see that I would meet with her again if she is OK with letting me take some photos of her.  That would be really fun.

Hang on, did I loose you?  OK let me catch you up, my best friend and confidant is a paid companion.  Yes the same as the escorts you can see implying lascivious services for hire, though they specifically only offer time and companionship and what happens during that time is at the discretion of  the client and provider.  That is the only way I seem to be able to have friends.  Actually it works OK.  The amount of time I spend with this person is hard limited because of the extreme cost involved.  I just don't want the services that would get me in trouble spiritually as much as I want the intellectual interaction (when the consequences of any such interaction is included in the analysis.)

However it is wholly unsatisfying because the cost limits the availability so harshly that I am still left in severe want.  This isn't really very unusual, just part of the dull throbbing in my life.  Occasionally the pain takes on an acute characteristic, which leads to making stupid decisions.

Abandoned Hope

I recall a traffic accident about to happen.  I remember it in particular detail since it was really a slow moving potential crash.  It would have just been a fender bender - but who wants to have to deal with that, right?

I was sitting in a parking lot and someone started to back up.  The first flash was "Oh, surely they will see me in just a few of milliseconds."  They kept coming now very close.  At that time it was:  "Great guns, I don't even have time to back-up.  I had better blow the horn, this is going to disturb the church service but no matter, it's got to happen."  So I blew the horn.  One long blast.  As it sounded I watched the rear bumper disappear from view, even though I was sitting in a van much farther forward than a standard car such that once you can't see the rear bumper, it is very close.

They kept coming backward at a steady pace.  The horn was sounding, there was no way I could get my vehicle in reverse fast enough, all I could do was wait and hope.  Then the hope was gone.  "It's going to happen" I thought.  While I can't claim miraculous intervention, but it seemed that way, because the driver stopped millimeters short.  The messy accident was averted.

I feel like that micro-moment captures my current feeling.  The point where I had been waiting and hoping and the transition from hope to sure failure.

I used to say all the time:  "God hates me,"  because I simply don't follow his commands and I do things that break his principles and laws.  But Armageddon hasn't come yet, so I am trying to stop saying that.  I don't think it is true anymore.  Now I say to myself:  "God loves me; but I hate God"

“No one can slave for two masters; for either he will hate the one and love the other,+ or he will stick to the one and despise the other. You cannot slave for God and for Riches. Matthew 6:24 RNWT.

It sounds like such a strong statement, but there it is in the bible.  I despise God as, clearly something else (not necessarily riches, but something) is the master whom I worship.  Now, just how am I gonna fix this?

Study Meetings Prayer Service.  How I motivate myself to study?  Get to know God.  How do I get to know God?  Study.  How do I break out of this cycle?  Dear reader, I'll let you know if I ever do.

While I don't believe in a literal hell, I feel I am passing the pictured threshold. moving beyond the sign that reads:  "ABANDON ALL HOPE, YE WHO ENTER HERE"

Step One: Who Knows How Many Will Follow

So on the last post I decided that I need to do some things:

1. Read More
2. Pray More (as much as is necessary to stop feeling anxious.)
3. Look up what is already written about my problems and try to apply that,
4. Stop feeling sorry for myself, wash my face and
5. Help others

I had my first Family Worship night with my son.  It was good.  He was positive about it and it helped me to understand his reasoning on things.

I haven't put into practice these things.  I am praying more, for the next encounter with a "professional" woman be somehow cancelled.  This is the second time I set up a date with her so I am determined to keep it unless she cancels.  If I do end up going, I will try my best to enjoy the time together, however because of the nature of the encounter, there is very little chance of it leading to anything immoral.

I suppose I do spend a lot of time feeling sorry for myself.  How stupid is that!

It still seems largely hopeless, but I don't feel quite as bad as I have before.   I think that the convention did raise my spirits a bit.  Of course, they beat me up pretty oggd

Continuing Breakage

What will I do to keep from breaking this next weekend as well.

1. A schedule of things to do and tasks to complete
2. A schedule that includes Prayer, Study and Helping others, and working out.
3. Start working out regularly before the weekend starts.

Somehow I have to stop the Nrop.  I can skip the speed dating. I know Kyra will be a bust.  I thought about spending the night in the area to minimize the disruption to the schedule, but that's just another 300 clams I don't want to have to spend.

This is all really bad.

In the end, it was still a broken weekend.

Convention Effect

I could just fall over and sleep for several hours.

The convention (as usual) gave me plenty of time to reflect on the way I have really made a mess of my life.  I am really so very sad now.  You can see the progress other people make that eclipse my very best efforts during those brief moments in my life when I managed to serve God more so than not.

I just wish I could hide my face from this world, curl up into a ball and die.  Unfortunately I have responsibilities and I know I cannot fulfill those responsibilities dead.  Also my life is not mine, but God's even though I haven't given him anything noteworthy in a very long time.

Convention's Aftermath

So I went to the International Convention this weekend.  And looked at nrop on Monday night.  What a stupid piece of refuse I am.  Soak in HS, then splash around in Satan's pig pen.  You're never going to come clean dude.  I can wash off and change clothes, but then the dirt just soaks my clothes from the inside out.

According to the convention I need to:

1. Read More
2. Pray More (as much as is necessary to stop feeling anxious.)
3. Look up what is already written about my problems and try to apply that,
4. Stop feeling sorry for myself, wash my face and help others

Then I have this date with Kyra.  I'm not as worried about that, These things never work out.  It was rare that it did the one time with.  It won't be long before I see that look that tells me she is feeling sorry for me to be followed soon by impatience as the second hand crawls around the dial in silence.

There is the Speed Dating thing this weekend, Actually, that's probably the real trap.  I'll stay away from that.  First smart move I've made since "coming back" from the Convention.  I figure that even if it doesn't go awful with Kyra, it won't go so well that I would be willing to plunk down another grand to see her again for another 2 hour dinner date.  (not including dinner, drinks, gift plus tip.)

I can't believe I'm doing this, but I can't seem to get out of it.  I clearly need a generous application of number 1.  I am trapped so tightly I just can't move one way or the other.  This trap I am in is so diabolical that there must have been an intelligent but  Machiavellian entity that devised it.  I need God's help but I won't ask for it.  My prayers are not being heard -- I believe.

Bad Weekends Running Together

So I busted the July 4 weekend.  How?  Well I broke my fast (I'm sort of OK about that) I ate too much on the first day I broke the fast, I ate too much on the second day, I watched too much TV (yes, I broke my rule against TV).   I did go to the meeting and I went out to dinner with the Ex.  (Calling her Ex now instead of bitch.)  That was ok but she preached to me the whole time.  Oh well.  That's who she is now.  All that having been said it is the only productive thing I did over the weekend, except I did go to the meeting.  I saw someone there who moved to another congregation.  It was a couple and I met the man outside and the woman was inside near the entrance.  She saw me and I went over to shake her hand and ended up giving her a hug.  Wild.  I never give anyone a hug unless they insist.  I surprised myself doing so.  I think she was shocked.  It may have been b/c she (and her husband) were only the third person to invite me over to their house in a serious way.  (That is they invited me directly, as I recall, without demanding that I join their Bible Study, and for a purely social visit.)  No one does that who is currently in my congregation anymore.

Not to me, that is. They of course get together among themselves it is just that I am not included.  I am quite certain that it is somehow my fault.  I think I might have made a kid feel bad at church yesterday.  there were 3 or four people greeting guests at the door.  He was one.  I had already shaken hands with one and knew I was going to shake hands with another, He was standing right there and I did the old look past you and pretend you aren't there.  People do that to me all the time.  I am trying not to care about it but I know it hurts on some level.  I will have to greet him specially in some way, maybe ask his name or something.  I should not have done what I did.

I went to a convention this weekend,  This one was really well done.  I can't explain just how, but it wasn't just more of the same, talk after talk about the bible.  There was something more compelling about it but I cannot say just what it is.  It has been a little while since I had been to a  convention entirely alone.  It was really OK though.  I wasn't feeling unduly oppressed or sorry for myself.  They distributed a video.  It shows a family in a moderate stage of spiritual melt-down.  It was not nearly as bad as what I was dealing with.  My family completely disintegrated.  The people are still there miraculously, but we are not a family anymore.  I am just glad that no one is df anymore.  (That's the miracle.)

I had a super unpleasant dream Saturday night.  Creatures like the ones on Cowboys and Aliens invaded.

Driving back from Raleigh, the convention tunes are reverberating in my head.  It is a good thing.  But I have also checked out Kyra's site.  A reminder that the demons in my mind are very much aware that I am trying to force them out.  They aren't ready to go anywhere.

Another SOC

My head is just swimming with thoughts.  I had a pleasant dream last night.  First I can remember in a very long time.  It was about meeting a woman that I was truly interested in and, equally important but exceedingly rare, she was interested in me.  She was rather young but very pretty.  She didn't seem to mind a casual touch and at some point in the dream she sat (cross-way) on my lap.  I can't exactly make out where we were, certainly not at home though.

Of course I don't put stock in dreams.  I think they are a reflection of what is going on in our subconscious mind.  I do not believe they are portents for the future.  But I think that in my heart that I believe I look better than I do.

I am still affected by a civil war battle scene I saw on TV.  It was grizzly, similar to how I imagine war would be.  The thing missing is that I was sitting in air conditioned comfort.  I wasn't being shot at, in hand to hand combat, or lying face down in a crater of a battlefield lined with bloody mud with close packed men fighting for their lives on top of me.  I honestly believe that one cannot experience war, without going to war.  I imagine that Armageddon will be similar.  Maybe this time I will be face down in bloody mud.  I am such a wretch.

Where to go from here.  I just can't seem to figure out what to do next.  How do I get up out of this mud?  I have to have God's help.  How am I going to get that if I won't pray, study, or go to meetings regularly.  I suppose the answer is, I won't.  So I am stuck in this blood soaked field, with men fighting for their lives on top of me, waiting for Armageddon to take my life away (if I don't do it first.)  I suppose my stream of consciousness (SOC) is getting worse.

Another Busted Weekend

It's Monday morning and IHMS as much as ever.  I had dreams that I remember this weekend.  They were bad.  In one I was back at college.  It was evening of 2 days before classes started and I hadn't begun to unpack my stuff.  I kept running but could never get to the front door of my dorm.

I'm totally ashamed of this weekend.  I ate too much.  Watched TV all day Saturday and Sunday.  This morning driving in I decided I am going to 1)Fast for a week.  2) Cut off TV cold turkey 3)Go to all the meetings, and 4) Start working out again.  I give myself a 5% chance of doing all 4 and a 20% chance of doing one of them.  Oh well, gotta have goals, right?

It's Thursday and I am still fasting.  Yea so far!  I did go to the meeting Tuesday. Yea so far!  I have not watched any TV. Yea so far!  I have NOT started working out again.  Crap!  Well, 3 out of 4 is better than 2 out of  3, and we all know that "ain't bad."  (Yes, of course:  ought to be a song . . . Meatloaf  . . .)  I did some reading on fasting and found that you can keep going until "true hunger" sets in.  They say you'll know it when it hits.  I don't think I am close to hitting it.  I just hope to make it for 7 days.

So there is this big International Convention coming up on August 1 - 3.  And dummy me, I just committed to being out of town from July 28 - July 31.  Getting back after 9:00 PM at Regan National.  How foolish am I?  Very.  I just can't believe I just did that.  And for someone who has only traveled 3 times in 5 years, it is just so very sad.  I started to say:  "I don't know why I bother."  However I do know,  these are all feeble attempts to SAVE MY BACON.  Armageddon is coming and, though I frequently contemplate suicide, I want to live.  The desire for suicide is a desire to escape the pain I am in.  God sees fit to let me undergo that pain.  But in actual fact I do want to live.  You wouldn't think so by my actions.  

I'm Going Under (There ought to . . . you know, Amy already . . )

So, No one is reading my blog.  That's fine, I am writing this for myself first and foremost.  Honestly I wish I hadn't made it public.  Oh Well.  So 15 days have passed since the last blog post.   2 more broken weekends with too much to eat and not enough sleep.  Oh, and I broke my vow against tb until 2020.  I guess that had to happen.

I keep thinking about how to get out of this mess.that I am in.  I keep thinking that the Elders should be able to help, but they don't know how to motivate me to study.  OTFW.   Not to say I am finished with the topic,  I will keep right on thinking about it and waiting for the opportunity to discuss the issue with someone who will listen and who is willing to help and knows how to help me.  I shouldn't have to wait though.  God has given me everything I need to manage.  I have the meetings, endless publications, a new easy to read bible.  I just despirately dislike the company of his servants.  I guess that goes to show that I am not his servant (as If I didn't know that already.

8:00 am need to work  .  .  .

Lunch time on the same day now.  I haven't had a chance to think this over anymore.  But what is there to think about?  I don't do what God wants me to do.  I know what he wants and refuse to do it.  I hate myself for it.  The trouble is that God also hates the bad things I do.  He also hates the fact that I know better and refuse to budge.

As I think about it I never feel like I am worth anything if I am not working but purely having fun, I reel really small.  Maybe that's why I work so much.  I remember at college, the 2 times I felt like I was successful in chatting up a girl was when I was pouring drinks at a party, and when I was working in the library.  In both cases I was like a completely different person.  Interested, lively, a little bit of intelligence showing through.  And the girls had a good time.  One even reached out a bit, but I didn't recognize what it was and so I lost the opportunity.  Now I know that it is a good thing that I did.  At the time I just didn't know what was going on.

What this all boils down to is can I turn myself around and start reading the bible and being a good person in God's judgment?  I say it is possible, yes.  It just isn't probable based on my lifetime of choices.  Now that I have the benefit of experience, one would think that I could leverage that to make better decisions.  Hmm, that actually sounds logical.  Maybe there is more hope than I thought.  Glad I thought of that!  Or was that God intervening?  I'll probably never know.  Especially if I am ultimately unsuccessful.

So, now, how can I use this information to be able to chat up women better in the future.  I have no fracking idea.  It is just good to know in case the situation presents itself.

More Misery

And here (the frack,) we go again.  Thursday morning and I already feel like sh*t.  Way, way the hell too much to do.  I need to work for 24 hours straight to begin to pull my head out of the backlog I am in.  Then I would need to get about 12 hours of sleep and do it again to get my head above water.

Friday morning and I didn't work out again.  My belly is big and tight.  I ate to much (as usual.)  I do have good food for lunch, strawberries, oatmeal and nuts.  (Not like "this is nuts,"  more like "cashews are my favorite nut."  I am really tired, as usual.  I listened to the bitch drone on about the upcoming convention.  One would think she is putting everything together herself the way she talks about it.  Actually, never-mind.  If that's how she sees herself, it is better than where she was just a few short years ago.

I am less and less inclined to spend time with her.

And on Monday I saw yet another broken weekend in my rear view mirror.  Now its Tuesday.  Meeting night.  Oh d*mn the war (of Armageddon) is coming (there ought to be a .  .  .  Within Temptation already .  .  .)  I'll be a casualty if I'm not dead before it starts.  I want to say I can't live like this, but that is all I have ever done isn't it.  I've stumbled from crisis to crisis, flame-out to flame-out.  I have never had a stable and consistent situation.  I was either in school and struggling to learn fast enough, or working a new job and struggeling to get along, or bought a new house, or just got married, or just had a kid (along with a new job and new region) or just moved (again and again and again) or just lost my job, or just started a new career, or just got involved with a start-up company, or just got a new job, again, and again, and again, or dealt with a health crisis or just got divorced, or just kicked my kid out, or just got fired, or just almost got fired, or on and on and fracking (for you Battlestar Galactica fans) on.  Always in flux, never steady state.  Now there is a new boss coming and a different management style.  I am sure that will be yet another challenge.  It is just getting so very tedious to keep moving forward.  I really, really hate this.

So my son, who is now getting way back into the religion, came by to see me last night.  I had just missed my 5th meeting in a row and he wanted to try to help me get my act together.  I agreed to have lunch with him today, b/c I could only talk a few seconds  last night.  It really comes down to the fact that going to the meetings is painful and I can bear that pain only so long.  He counters that I ought to pray more and ask for help to want to do the right thing.  He prays for "a new heart," and it makes him quite happy,.  So bottom line is that he thinks I should lean on God more.

What Ending for the Wicked (Like Me)

A fresh page.  I suppose it could be intimidating if I were writing for real.  I see the TV images of real writers focused on a blank page.  It used to be a literal blank sheet of paper in a typewriter.  Now it is a blank page on a computer screen most often (as it is here.)  I am listening to one of my favorite musical artists, Epica.  The lead singer is so very versatile (and gorgeous.)  Her classically trained voice stirs my soul such that I can lose myself in the music.  I could close my eyes and just listen to song after song.

I am listening to it now because this genre helps me to work when my energy is at a low ebb.  Somehow listening increases my drive and determination (at least for a little while.)  I am afraid of relying on it too much, but I love the feeling with which I am imbued as I absorb the sound, mood and emotions of this artist's performance.

So that isn't what I logged on to talk about.  It does help me start to fill the page, though.  I'm not so intimidated anymore.  On the other hand this is probably just as, if not more, interesting than what is really eating at me.  I'm just in despair again.  Not doing anything and thoroughly acknowledging that I will die as a result of my inaction.  Mental confusion over why I have wound up like this, and despair at being unable (seemingly but not actually) to do anything about it.  I know that God wouldn't leave me here if I really wanted to change, so I know that I don't really want to serve God.  Not because I can feel that deliberate rebellion in my heart, rather because if I did want to serve God, I would be a different person.  My brother, dad and mom will be so disappointed when I am not there in paradise.  My despair will reach its zenith as I watch death approaching, at God's hand.  Likely a painful and violent death, that I will have time to consider as it approaches for days possibly even weeks.  I guess I would want a few minutes to process it.  I doubt it will be so quick though.  I imagine I will realize the loss of all hope days or weeks before it comes.

I keep thinking that when I do come to that realization that I will cease the wickedness that drove me to that precipice.  This will, of course, be driven partially or even largely because I want God to reconsider.  I do hope that some altruistic notion remains such that even though I know my life is lost, I would want my final moments to be good ones, not filled with a hurry to drink the pleasures a last dollop of wickedness may afford.  I don't believe that would even be an option.  I imagine, believe, I will die largely alone, in pain and with the crushing burden of knowing that there is no longer any hope, that the final end will hurt, a lot and with all worldly pleasure totally gone and meaningless.  I imagine the last moments of my life will be in agonizing pain and mental torment.  The fact that others, the ex, the kid, the sibling, will survive, if indeed they do, will be of small comfort as I believe that the then current suffering will such a recollection impossible.  How can you consider anything as you are dying from radiation poisoning, ebola virus, or being hunted by wild animals, human or otherwise.

This is what I think about in calm moments.  No joy.  I tried buying presents for myself.  It just doesn't work at all anymore.  Maybe this is what is driving me to spend thousands for a positive and pleasant evening.  If it weren't for the IRS, and my attendant stupidity, I would do it in a heartbeat.  (And then I wonder why God won't shine his light on me, not to say that he hasn't.)

More Sh*t

I am starting to loose my working edge.  I am wasting more time and taking more la la land breaks.  I am worried, not excessively so but I can feel dullness setting in.  This could be really bad.  I need to get a hold on myself and turn this around.  (Now just how the hell am I going to do that?)

I just have to keep working late and coming in early.  I really, really need to come in this weekend to get the reviews done for my people.  Oh yes, and mine as well.  I am tired, sleepy, and can't wait for this week to be over.  It hasn't been "that" bad.  but I feel stretched and uncomfortable in my own skin.  I think it may be a result of having the inflated anticipation for talking to Grace, and then to Kyra, and then Tara.  It's not going to happen though.  It is just too expensive given my current volatile state.  I need the cash for the IRS.  I just can't believe how stupidly I continue to act in this regard.

I just can't see myself lasting through this.  And I can't see myself being "ready" for Armageddon for another 5 years or so.  It's all ugly.  There seems to be no way out.  (There ought to be a movie .  .  .  dang, its been done.)  I have read over and over, and have experienced it in my own life, that with God all things are possible.  I guess that only applies to those who truly want to do his will.  And I have demonstrated that I am not that sort of person.  I haven't given up entirely.  I thought I would a year or so ago, but I just couldn't toss it all over and live a life of moral abandon.  I so dearly hate what I have done with my life, but I must suffer through the consequences.  The ones manifest now and those yet to appear.  Of course the consequence may include Death at God's hand, from which there is no escape.  And I just can't seem to fix this.

So I am discovering that I am fixated on going out with an escort.  No matter how impractical and expensive it is, I keep looking at profiles (both the ones previously identified and new ones,)  thinking about how the date might go, what questions I might ask and such.  Ultimately though I would have to select a card and put 1K - 2K USD in an envelope knowing I won't see it again.  I know I will think about buying a surface (or possibly other ways to use those funds,) and I will back off.  I suppose Grace is the only one I could really see making me actually moving forward.  However I am well aware of my mind to play this sort of trick on me.  Thinking I am standing when my legs are rotting from within leading to a seemingly sudden shift away from any previous resolution.  I know how stupid it is but right now, I would say that I have a 50/50 chance of doing it anyway.

It's Monday morning and I am looking back on another busted weekend.  Nrop, TV addiction, missed meeting and, of course, no work done.  I didn't even pick up the laundry or mail, much less the needed medication.  I even drafted a letter to the most expensive paid companion I have yet to come across.  I didn't send it but I was close.  I suppose I just want some level of association really badly.  It reminds me of my decision not to invest in a PC when that was on the leading edge of a revolution.  It is obviously not even close in comparison.  But my mind has put this meeting on that level.  It is like I really want to believe this is a pivotal meeting.  One of critical importance.  Of course it is just a trap.  A money, and mind trap.  I think I will have a "sort of" good time.  I will either have  a great time or will have an almost good time that I will think can be improved with just a little extra effort, a little more money, a little more pre-work, a little more cologne or whatever.  Oh, and I wont have the MS Surface(R) that I could otherwise have.

Not it's Tuesday and I am becoming convinced that the positive momentum of the last few weeks has completely reversed.  I am now rapidly descending in terms of my ability to work hard and accomplish work, spiritual or home based objectives.  I shouldn't be overly concerned.  It is just as serious as any other situation encountered thousands of times earlier wherein my life and my commitment to God is tested.  I practically always fail.  As I am sure I will again in this instance.  God wants me to succeed.  I behave as though I want to fail.  The situation is such that I want the candy Satan holds out, but along with it he requires me to release my commitment to God, which I have relinquished (though grudgingly at times) more often than not.

Shine a Little Light on My Life

So, what next.  The realization that I have totally screwed up my life has been thoroughly absorbed by my psyche.  I know now that I have made grave mistakes that may cost me my life at Armageddon if not before.  I know that the things I have looked forward to since childhood may (and probably are) no longer my fate at all.  Bitter disappointment at my failure on all fronts of my chosen quests is now past shock, denial, anger (and all those other reactions) and is now at acceptance.  So I thought I wasn't moving forward  b/c of depression, but I have drugs for that now.  I thought it was b/c TV addiction but last two weekends have been a bust, despite the lack of TV.  I know that God has been telling me all along what I need to be doing but the only thing that resonates with me now is that I have to quit nrop, TV, and bad music.  I have taken aim at 2 out of 3.  I suppose escorts is on the list as well, but all I want from escorts is to talk.  They represent a huge danger since it would be so easy to go farther down the wrong road.  But I really just want to talk to another intelligent woman.  Fortunately, that issue is easily resolved since they are so very expensive I will likely never afford their service again.  (It's not like I could afford it the first two times.  Just two more bad decisions.)  Then, I suppose there is speed dating.  This could be an issue however the cowardly thing to do is also the right thing to do.  Being a coward at heart (yes, I have accepted this as well,) this trick (avoiding speed dating) isn't really that hard to pull off.

Maybe there is a delayed reaction.  I still have to achieve the goal of avoiding nrop (possible with the medication.)  I must continue the ban on TV (seems quite doable.)  The music, well not so much.  Speed Dating is automatic; escorts is automatic as well, and any stupid breakthrough is just one instance of avoidable bad association.  Given the fact that work is a constant exposure to the same I am not overly concerned.  So if I pull all these things together, maybe then God will shine a little light on my life.  Hmmm, there ought to be a song.  Aw dang, ELO already did that one.

Just Another Depression Fueled Rant

Yuck!  That's how I am feeling today.  I started my morning with a prayer today, as I did yesterday.  We'll see how long I can keep that up.  I did do my bible reading as I have for the last 7 workdays.  Again, we'll see how long I can keep that up as well.  It seems like anything good that I do, I will eventually stop doing and fail.

The key is wanting to do what is right.  God knows that I will focus on things that I want badly.  I'll spend hours as though they were minutes.  I am hoping that reading the bible will make me want to serve God well.
However I am quite sure that doing so will take a ling time.  And I am 80% confident that I will quit before I get to that stage.

I can still work a lot stronger and harder because of the medication.  The addiction to TV has made it harder for me to translate the additional energy I now seem to have, into my private life.  In other words, my condo is still a wreck.

Its Monday and I am ashamed of the weekend.  A couple of dives in to nrop but, oddly, the typical Mb session did not follow.  Thanks to the anti-depressants.  Still it is really bad to watch that stuff.  I wish I had not done so.  So the ramp into that this time was reviewing escorts.  So many of them are highly rated it makes me wonder who's writing them.  Anyway, It is hard to find someone like Avery or Grace who truly want to make a connection rather than heard'em in and f*ck 'em.  Even escorts with really great reviews, seem to have adopted that style.  They may smile and be sweet and kind, which earns them praise.  But when you get down to it, that is what it becomes.  So I look for the ones that so some level of independence and unique thought.  I think Kyra may be like that.  The trouble with all these people, Avery, Grace & Kyra, is that they are so expensive.  500 to 1000 USD per hour (not including the $500 I have spent on tickets for our entertainment.)  It compares with a lot of nice, high end gear I could otherwise have.  And oh, by the way, it is wrong by God's standards.  So in sum, it is just a bad deal all the way around.  It yields some pleasant memories, as in the case of Grace.  But when you consider the cost (1,200 USD) it is hard to imagine that it is worth it.

I see that there is a Speed Dating event planned for this weekend.  Now there's a more reasonable way to talk to a number of people.  Of course that is wrong too, but I don't know how else to integrate people into my life.  I am so alone.

I know that the option to serve God is there.  I figure I will eventually figure out what I really should have been doing.  Whatever it is I know it is hitting me in the face and over the head.  Apparently, I just don't want to see it.

Monday afternoon now.  The day was filled with answering emails and reading new ones.  I did work extensively on a continuous progress report which is shaping up nicely.  I spoke with a couple of other managers on their situations.  It was a good day to get some real work done but I ended up with a lot of email distraction and wasn't as productive as I had hoped to be.

I hope to get a couple more hours of productivity out of myself, or at least get some reading done.  Have I said it yet in this post?  I'm not sure but I feel it welling up inside me right now:  I hate myself.  There, now that's off my chest.  Trouble is:  there's lots more where that came from.

Tuesday AM, Did I get those additional couple of hours spoken of earlier.  Not just no;  Hell No!  I can't get my posterior in gear to do anything home related. 

Some Good - w/ a Lot of Bad Mixed In

I went to the meeting last night.  I saw my son.  He was very late (as has become his norm.)  Still it was good to see him there.  One weird thing happened.  I left quickly as I usually do.  I was a good 20 feet outside the front door when someone calls my name.  It was one of my son's adult friends who just wanted to say "hi."  So she said "hi" and I returned the greeting after which he went back inside.  I walked the rest of the way to my car wondering what that was all about.

I think it is now that my very popular son is back in the congregation he unwittingly pricks their conscience and they feel like "O let me say to 'Hi' to his father so I will feel better."  Cynical, I know, but when you are isolated as long as I have been, lots of strange things make sense.

If I ever gave up entirely, I know what my new hobby would be.  An interesting use of the word.  When I was reading escort reviews on Monday (holiday) I noticed a few guys referring to their practice of frequenting escorts a "hobby."  I suppose the term fits.  However, I don't like the fact that it makes it sound like this practice (of visiting escorts) is legitimate.  I know it isn't, It's just wrong.

Still I need a diversion.  Something that doesn't take up too much time but is enjoyable.  I think it would somehow soothe my brain.  I should just read more.  That requires more mental effort but that's a good thing.  I thought about going to Starbucks to do so, but didn't thinking "I can read here just as well."  Actually I can't there is simply too much distraction at home.  Well it is something to shoot for.  Just pick up a book instead of turning on TV.

I worked a long time yesterday and came home around 9:30.  I got very little sleep due some gastrointestinal distress.  Now here I am at 7:30 trying to determine how I can possibly make it through the day.  I just want to lay down and go to sleep.  Escorts are still on my mind.  I have identified 3 that would be a good fit for me, and one additional escort I admire.  I have returned to her page many times.  Contrary to the less bubbly an doutgoing other 3, Tara seems to be just a good solid person you can have fun with.  It nearly goes without saying that she is totally drop-dead gorgeous (DDG.)

She is visiting DC in late June/Early August.  Of course the other is in town but seems to specialize in "In-Call" service.  But each time I have to ask myself, do I really want to spend 350 - 500 USD per hour on a date?  That is so steep, and I know I'd rather have a surface.  Maybe I can use this trade-off to my advantage.  Focus on the cost, and stop dwellinv on the pleasurable possibilities.  It is strengthened by the Surface3 promotional launch.  Now I can imagine something standing in place of the money I would spend on these women.

I have made it through about a week of relatively consistent Bible reading.  I just got into Exodus today.  I am using a very good and modern translation.  It is much easier to understand.   My sister got it first and when I saw it I asked for it.  This is the large print version of a Bible.  It is just what I need to start my days at work.


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Escorts Front & Center

Well the good news is that I didn't see Kyra.  The bad news is that I won't grow at all.  I won't have a memorable experience.  I won't have something to look forward to when she returns.   Big sigh, I made my choice and I know, beyond doubt, that is the correct one.  Just not the fun one.

I am still sad all the time.  With this medication I can still work.  I need to expand the work to my other house.  I need to bring it home to my condo.  I am thinking that maybe I am exhausting myself working long hours for the company.  Leaving little energy for the weekend, and working at home.  I really don't know and I don't want to experiment.  Work is really going smoothly now and I don't want to mess that up.

However I am dying spiritually.  I had a system, but with no motivation to get it done, I am still dying.  So I keep hangin' around the congregation while they all ignore me.  I know that I should go to the meetings.  So that is what I do.  There is no physical impairment keeping from doing what I should.  Maybe if I think of paradise, it might make a difference.  I guess all my life I just assumed I would be there in spite of the bad twists and turn I have taken.  Crazy I know.  But there it is.  I know consciously that I am not making it.  I know the mandate from God, I know he deals severely (as in with deadly force) with those who choose not to do his will.  I don't think I have a good chanced of surviving.  I always thought that I could turn it around.  But I can't seem to do that now.  And I look over my life and I never have before.  Twenty percent.  That's what I think my chances are.  I probably won't make it.  But is enough of a chance to keep trying.  While death brings relief from pain, it also means no more joy.  I know that Joy is possible, even now in a spiritual sense but it is so far away and I feel incapable of crossing that chasm.  God could help me if he wanted.  I am very sure he has in the past.  He may be helping me right now, or at least ready to help if only I would grasp it.  I don't think I know how.  He probably knows that I do know deep down inside, and he is waiting to see if I do the right thing (whatever that is.)

I should really pray more.  Maybe I can add that to Meeting attendance and prayer.

2 & 1/2 days into a long weekend and I have wasted about 2 1/2 days.  Binge watched "Hell on Wheels" through 2 seasons.  I ate too much, and slept too much.  Didn't go to work to do the performance reviews.  I didn't read my bible.  I didn't even go to the meeting on Sunday.  I looked for more "providers" of companionship.  All bad things.  I have decided to stop watching TV until 2020.  What a blackguard I have become.  No wonder God has abandoned me.  I walked, possibly ran away from him and am refusing to do his will.  (Oh yea, and I didn't work out either.)  I started a load of washing.  I am so poor.  That is the only positive thing I have done.  I can't believe what an idiot I have become.  I used to blame it on depression.  Now that I am on medication I don't have any excuse anymore.  I just so very much hate what I have become.  A useless wart fallen off the buttocks of the congregation.  I know that others want to help (obviously not very badly, but still a sentiment is there.)  I always thought that the assistance would be a little more active.  But those guys are real busy with people who deserve assistance.  Not dead warts.

I suppose I should quit feeling sorry for myself and make something of myself.  I lack the motivation to pick up after making a bowl of oatmeal.  The salt pepper and box of raisins are left out until I feel like putting it away.  Sometimes a day or two later.  The counter top is stained with coffee for days on end before I feel like cleaning it up.  So with me in that state, how the hell am I going to go to all the meetings, study for them all and then do personal study, read the bible, memorize the scriptures and presentations I need to to go out in FS.  And pray.  It feels impossible.  And the deacons really don't know what to do, and neither do I.  I am lost to Satan's world.  I still resist him, but I can clearly see that I am loosing the fight.  Yes there are a few victories here and there.  I didn't see Grace, and later I didn't see Kyra.  But see now, not inviting the company of escorts has become my "victory."  How far this weak man has fallen; when not visiting an escort is his singular victory.  I really don't like life.  Apart from a funny joke, I haven't been truly happy for almost 10 years.

A few days ago I decided that I have a 20% chance of living through Armageddon.  I thought that maybe i was feeling pessimistic.  Now I think I may be too generous.  I wish I knew what else to try.  I wish the Deacons did.  I wish I had a zest for life.  Maybe then I would be motivated by do God's will.  I should be motivated by the fact that he is the greatest personage in the universe.  I wish the whole world praised his name so that I wouldn't stand out as being so different.  Nonetheless, this is what he requires, and he doesn't ask for things that we can't do.  So I am the fool, the errant one at fault.  The failings are my own.

So not watching TV I began surfing the internet.  The one thing I fixated on is finding another Escort.  It took hours to comb through the advertisements, visit their webs site, read reviews, etc. I learned a lot of acronyms from this industry on one site that gave a menu's list of offerings.  Interestingly, Kyra did not list anything.  I think that speaks to her refusal to be compromised and compartmentalized.  She breaks the mold, Can't wait until she gets back.

Service to God or service myself; guess which one has won.  Now how the hell am I gonna unseat the winner?  I want to and I don't at the same time.  That's not good enough for God.