Its December and the spring blues have already started to settle around me. The walls are closing in, there's too much pressure to take; TOTBAS (there ought to be a song) blah blah blah.
Really though, my one release, dating escorts, is just too expensive to be a worthwhile relief. I do enjoy the time, It is something I really look forward to and I always feel good afterward. It is a real joy when I can do that. But at 1300 USD a pop, I just can't keep it up. I have looked for other less expensive alternatives, but the good ones are always at least 900 base price. And I just can't pay that routinely.
I don't understand my reaction to medication. It works, I feel better, I can start to get stuff done. But I can't seem to keep on taking the pills. It really has to do with the relationship with the doctor. I hate talking to them. I always feel uncomfortable. They give suggestions that I just don't fit with the church and then I try them and it doesn't work out and then I feel guilty and miss an appointment and everything falls apart. The last two sets of prescriptions I did not fill. I don't know why I just didn't get them filled. I don't get that. I mean the pills worked, why didn't I keep going?
Now I really need something. I can feel the walls closing in and it won't be long before I am spending half my time trying to work and the other half working at half speed. I'll be spending 14 hours per day in the office giving only 75% of what I should. I can't get away from it. It is coming and I cannot stop it.
So I started studying, as mentioned earlier, but I just don't see how that is going to help. No one says it should. I need them pills.
I need association and it isn't happening in the congregation. I am sure that is my fault since I am very suspicious of anyone inviting me out since I was there for 5 years by myself and I had one solitary invite that was extended early in that period of time but was not repeated nor imitated. Now that my gregarious son is around I get more invitations 2 of which I have accepted, but, of course, I don't enjoy it and I feel out of place, and people feel out of place around me. I just hate myself. I don't want this anymore. I feel so awful all the time. It is getting worse with the shortened days.
I am thinking again about the final solution. I have my method worked out though I wish I could make it seem like an accident. Of course God will know it wasn't. Is enduring this pain worth an eternity of happiness in God's world? Yes, of course it is. I just hurt so much that in a fit of pain, I feel like I might cave in and do myself in.
But I do think of the kid and how it would hurt him. He is a bit of a soft touch even though he doesn't really show it much at all. Pain, Pain all around. Pain, ongoing and throbbing. Not always sharp and intense, though occasionally so. But always there. Like tinnitus. Sometimes more irritating, sometimes less, sometimes very intense, sometimes forgettable. But whenever I stop to notice, there it is. And I hate it so very much. The best I seem to be able to do is to ignore it.
God I hate this so much. I wish I could get away from it but I cannot.
OK, I am eating cheesecake now. I feel much better. Oh my word, even the sign is edible. It is our phone vendor hawking their product. Lousy product & service offering, but good cheesecake.
Well, the next day is here and, predictably, I am feeling like sh*t again. I just don't have the stamina to keep putting up with this day after day. I just hate all this.
And now it's Monday. Friday I got maybe 2 hours of work done. The weekend was a complete bust, Just TV, no study, no meetings. Not anything of value except perhaps sleep and rest, both of which I got too much of. Crap, this is in full swing. I really hate this. I cannot get over it. Today i maybe got 2 hours of work done. Best I could do.
I guess there was one good thing about this weekend, I didn't look at nrop. I didn't knife out either but those two things go together like white on rice. Yes there is brown rice but . . . Of course the question is, which is the white/brown and which is the rice. I don't care to think that deeply on the topic.
Anyway my head is starting to hurt and I am loosing (have lost) focus on work probably for the rest of today. Nonetheless, I might be able to get in a little more effort so I am sticking it out a bit longer.
I really wish I could see some solution but I really don't. I don't see how I will ever make friends in this congregation. How I will deal with the taxes. How I will sell my stuff, how I will know enough to go out in FS again. How I will be able to keep up a regimen that allows me to be able to join the TMS again. How I will be able to resist Linda or Lilly if they come in town again. I really don't think I could resist. Certainly if any more reasonably priced alternative were available of similar attributes, I would would fail to resist the temptation.
I just don't know how to deal with this. I am devastated by this recurrent failure. It is like I need to reset, but once I stop, I can't get started again.
Headache is getting worse now. I ain't getting up for more coffee. I decided to quit drinking coffee in the afternoon. I do drink one soda though. I'm still sipping on that.
Loneliness is my only companion these days. I am so fail at getting past that. I have been so awful at dealing with this.
Headache getting really bad now. I may have to cut short the day.
Epic fail.
It is Wednesday. I am trying and mostly failing to write Performance reviews Not more than a dozen or so to do but I hate doing them so much I just can't seem to get traction. I've been praying over this all day. I'll be at work until about 8:00 PM. I don't understand why I find this so difficult. It was never so difficult in the years before I had an insane number of people reporting to me. I can't make this happen. I sit around wringing my hands and dreading the next moment. I swear that next year will be different (same as I did last year, and the year before that.)
Another evidence that I so very hate my life. Yet and still, this job does not interfere with study meetings prayer or service except on very rare occasions which I could really work around if I just wanted to. What a crap cake I have made of my existence. I pray about my problems until they are gone and then go back to the same old crap again. For cryin' out loud! Why don't I fix this? What do I have to do?
Oh yea, and my psychologist hasn't called back. Of course I abandoned that relationship many months ago, so I can blame anyone. It's just yet another *sigh* Maybe I can reach out to a psychiatrist. S/he will want about $500 to go forward - minimum! Probably more like $600.
I guess it has been worse in recent years. This just sure as hell isn't fun not that things are not as bad as they once were. I'm in total collapse now.
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