This notion of getting df'd has got my head spinning. I wonder if I should fight it and dig up emails that say "you knew this all along" and ask why all of a sudden are you kicking me out now? Or I should I just go along with whatever they say. That's what they want anyway, who wouldn't. It is just that they are so accustomed to people just going along with the program that trying to fight is like condemning yourself to a df verdict. It is almost like there is no fighting it. And why do I want to fight it anyway. If God wants me df'd then df'd I'll be.
What I find troubling is that I am looking forward to it. I am already thinking of what escorts I want to tag if this happens. If I do get df'd that will be my biggest issue: how to keep moving toward the straight and narrow. So from a basic point, why does dfing exist?
1. discipline - spaning doesn't work well for adults
a. Of course discipline is a form of teaching.
2. keep the congregation clean - am I making the congregation dirty? I suppose so just by being there. I am certainly not spreading my contaminating influence, well not knowingly.
I GUESS I NEED TO LOOK THAT UP.
I suppose I meet the criteria for a committee, doing rope for years of the egregious kind. The only thing I can really say is that I haven't tried to hide it from them. I have put it in emails twice (I think) and brought up in meetings at the very least twice before this latest time.
The behavior is addictive and someone saying, here read this, doesn't help as much as I needed. But that's all that seemed to be available.
The point about my not hiding it from them and bringing it up multiple times might cut some ice with them. I still am guilty though. The question is: what is the best way for them to deal with me now.
Of course as mentioned before, they (local "elders") did say about 7 years or so ago, that if I did anything else they were going to kick me out. Well now I have done something more. It's not the first time I told them about it, but they sure seem more interested now than before.
Another day,
I went to the meeting and no one said anything to me, but I noticed this AM I had a text from the elder dude saying lets talk at the meeting. He wasn't all that anxious to tell me what he wanted. (He never is, always wants to talk in person no matter how much it delays things.) Fahk! Whatever the hell! What does it matter, just a few more days thinking that they will kick me out. Actually this slack jaw lackadaisical attitude might be a good sign. If they really wanted to kick me out I might have expected them to be a bit more aggressive with their desire to meet and talk more about it.
It' s an interesting concept, thinking that I will be df'd. And there is precious little I can do to influence the decision one way or another. It is just crazy how much I was looking forward to it. It wasn't the sickening dread I should have. It is like I want to let go. I am just too tired of holding on to something that it seems no one is interested in my having.
Wild, I just studied the chapter talking about how much God loves his people and I heard the argument that he cares about us individually. I know it must be true, it is just hard to accept given the way I have been kicked around and ignored by both the world and the congregation. What can I expect given how much I have disregarded God's instructions.
Again I am reminded of just what a mess I have made of my life. How very worthless I am and how little it all means. If I died, it would be all over for me, but in the grand scheme of things, the world would carry on and eventually, probably sooner than I imagine, I will be lost to the collective consciousness of the world here on earth. It will be like I never existed at all. *Sigh* All those damn deadlines and performance reviews and tests I took and promotions I got, or didn't get. Nothing matters. It's all vanity right Sol? So, let us eat, and drink . . .
But wait, what about serving God? The stuff you do really means something. Oh, but then I have to stop rope, and stop seeing my friends, and read the mags, and study the wt, and read the bbl and do personal study and go to meetings, and change my life pattern to stay awake and memorize scriptures, and confess my sins, and pray and do FS and do taxes and sell stuff and on and on and fahkin' on. The baretta solution (or He solution for previous readers) is looking not too bad. Not to say that it isn't worth it. I am sure that if I do make it, I will be very much afraid of how close I came to that. But right now, in the situation looking at a mountain of work on one side and the ease of capitulation on the other, it sure is tempting. It will be even more if I get the boot.
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