So the PR's are done.
They never are quite as bad as I imagine them to be but I continue to be surprised at how much I resist starting that effort until the last minute.
I need to establish goals for each of the people in the team, but no one is standing over me waiting for that to happen so I'm not going to worry about that.
The sense of pressure is hugely reduced. Feeling like I do now I would not have scheduled a meeting with the therapist. But I know I need help so I don't plan to cancel. I do need to schedule time with my shrink. The pills really helped and I'd like to have access to them going forward. I found them to be a bit more effective than head bangin' music (including the seductive strains of the baby lady [Lady Gaga.])
Since I finished I had the immediate desire to go nrop and escort hunting in a "Don't need God anymore so I can play now" knee-jerk reaction. I almost bought a gift certificate to Private Vicki (um, you can figure that one out,) to let my currently utilized escort know that I really do like her even though I missed a day she was in town recently. Then I thought of sending it to another escort I researched and contacted but never connected with. (See early posts for the pathetic story there.) I've decided that I think she is writing a book on the topic but at 2K for a couple of hours, I can't cut any ice there.
I talked to the "brothers" about Nrop finally. They made me say what kind of Nrop (guy/gal (check); gal/gal (check); disney (NO); group (check); all else (NO). But the 2nd and 4th items are considered especially egregious so they are going to form a judicial committee and I'll be tried again, yet again.
I think they will kick me out this time. The last time they said If I do anything physical again they would kick me out. This doesn't count as physical but it's bad enough. We just studied about how loving God is and how he wants his servants to come back and serve him.
Oddly, I am almost looking forward to being df'd. I will feel free to use my escort friends for more badness, the way that dc did (though she didn't have to pay for it.) On the other hand I would also want to be stoic about it and show God that even though I am kicked out, I will continue to try to serve him. I guess I will probably feel unfairly df'd and there will be that "prove them wrong" element. But honestly they have the preponderance of Holy Spirit. If they say I am out, I will be out. Whether or not I do the stupid thing will be up to me, but I can't see myself resisting the temptation. I guess I better start praying for the strength to resist now. I feel this is a test that will surely come.
Another day, Tuesday: despite the material studied that tells me how loving God is, I still hate myself and I believe that God hates what I do so much that I will get swept along in judgment for the things I have done. Yes, God must love me, he says he does and he encourages us to hate our enemies. I think of how being df'd will affect the people around me. There are only a very few who love me and it will hurt them badly.
Whether God will kill me now or not, I don't know, one thing is certain though, I hate myself with a deep and abiding passion.
I am supposed to pray 5 mins a day. I guess I should start that soon.
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