Yuck! That's how I am feeling today. I started my morning with a prayer today, as I did yesterday. We'll see how long I can keep that up. I did do my bible reading as I have for the last 7 workdays. Again, we'll see how long I can keep that up as well. It seems like anything good that I do, I will eventually stop doing and fail.
The key is wanting to do what is right. God knows that I will focus on things that I want badly. I'll spend hours as though they were minutes. I am hoping that reading the bible will make me want to serve God well.
However I am quite sure that doing so will take a ling time. And I am 80% confident that I will quit before I get to that stage.
I can still work a lot stronger and harder because of the medication. The addiction to TV has made it harder for me to translate the additional energy I now seem to have, into my private life. In other words, my condo is still a wreck.
Its Monday and I am ashamed of the weekend. A couple of dives in to nrop but, oddly, the typical Mb session did not follow. Thanks to the anti-depressants. Still it is really bad to watch that stuff. I wish I had not done so. So the ramp into that this time was reviewing escorts. So many of them are highly rated it makes me wonder who's writing them. Anyway, It is hard to find someone like Avery or Grace who truly want to make a connection rather than heard'em in and f*ck 'em. Even escorts with really great reviews, seem to have adopted that style. They may smile and be sweet and kind, which earns them praise. But when you get down to it, that is what it becomes. So I look for the ones that so some level of independence and unique thought. I think Kyra may be like that. The trouble with all these people, Avery, Grace & Kyra, is that they are so expensive. 500 to 1000 USD per hour (not including the $500 I have spent on tickets for our entertainment.) It compares with a lot of nice, high end gear I could otherwise have. And oh, by the way, it is wrong by God's standards. So in sum, it is just a bad deal all the way around. It yields some pleasant memories, as in the case of Grace. But when you consider the cost (1,200 USD) it is hard to imagine that it is worth it.
I see that there is a Speed Dating event planned for this weekend. Now there's a more reasonable way to talk to a number of people. Of course that is wrong too, but I don't know how else to integrate people into my life. I am so alone.
I know that the option to serve God is there. I figure I will eventually figure out what I really should have been doing. Whatever it is I know it is hitting me in the face and over the head. Apparently, I just don't want to see it.
Monday afternoon now. The day was filled with answering emails and reading new ones. I did work extensively on a continuous progress report which is shaping up nicely. I spoke with a couple of other managers on their situations. It was a good day to get some real work done but I ended up with a lot of email distraction and wasn't as productive as I had hoped to be.
I hope to get a couple more hours of productivity out of myself, or at least get some reading done. Have I said it yet in this post? I'm not sure but I feel it welling up inside me right now: I hate myself. There, now that's off my chest. Trouble is: there's lots more where that came from.
Tuesday AM, Did I get those additional couple of hours spoken of earlier. Not just no; Hell No! I can't get my posterior in gear to do anything home related.
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