So, No one is reading my blog. That's fine, I am writing this for myself first and foremost. Honestly I wish I hadn't made it public. Oh Well. So 15 days have passed since the last blog post. 2 more broken weekends with too much to eat and not enough sleep. Oh, and I broke my vow against tb until 2020. I guess that had to happen.
I keep thinking about how to get out of this mess.that I am in. I keep thinking that the Elders should be able to help, but they don't know how to motivate me to study. OTFW. Not to say I am finished with the topic, I will keep right on thinking about it and waiting for the opportunity to discuss the issue with someone who will listen and who is willing to help and knows how to help me. I shouldn't have to wait though. God has given me everything I need to manage. I have the meetings, endless publications, a new easy to read bible. I just despirately dislike the company of his servants. I guess that goes to show that I am not his servant (as If I didn't know that already.
8:00 am need to work . . .
Lunch time on the same day now. I haven't had a chance to think this over anymore. But what is there to think about? I don't do what God wants me to do. I know what he wants and refuse to do it. I hate myself for it. The trouble is that God also hates the bad things I do. He also hates the fact that I know better and refuse to budge.
As I think about it I never feel like I am worth anything if I am not working but purely having fun, I reel really small. Maybe that's why I work so much. I remember at college, the 2 times I felt like I was successful in chatting up a girl was when I was pouring drinks at a party, and when I was working in the library. In both cases I was like a completely different person. Interested, lively, a little bit of intelligence showing through. And the girls had a good time. One even reached out a bit, but I didn't recognize what it was and so I lost the opportunity. Now I know that it is a good thing that I did. At the time I just didn't know what was going on.
What this all boils down to is can I turn myself around and start reading the bible and being a good person in God's judgment? I say it is possible, yes. It just isn't probable based on my lifetime of choices. Now that I have the benefit of experience, one would think that I could leverage that to make better decisions. Hmm, that actually sounds logical. Maybe there is more hope than I thought. Glad I thought of that! Or was that God intervening? I'll probably never know. Especially if I am ultimately unsuccessful.
So, now, how can I use this information to be able to chat up women better in the future. I have no fracking idea. It is just good to know in case the situation presents itself.
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