My head is just swimming with thoughts. I had a pleasant dream last night. First I can remember in a very long time. It was about meeting a woman that I was truly interested in and, equally important but exceedingly rare, she was interested in me. She was rather young but very pretty. She didn't seem to mind a casual touch and at some point in the dream she sat (cross-way) on my lap. I can't exactly make out where we were, certainly not at home though.
Of course I don't put stock in dreams. I think they are a reflection of what is going on in our subconscious mind. I do not believe they are portents for the future. But I think that in my heart that I believe I look better than I do.
I am still affected by a civil war battle scene I saw on TV. It was grizzly, similar to how I imagine war would be. The thing missing is that I was sitting in air conditioned comfort. I wasn't being shot at, in hand to hand combat, or lying face down in a crater of a battlefield lined with bloody mud with close packed men fighting for their lives on top of me. I honestly believe that one cannot experience war, without going to war. I imagine that Armageddon will be similar. Maybe this time I will be face down in bloody mud. I am such a wretch.
Where to go from here. I just can't seem to figure out what to do next. How do I get up out of this mud? I have to have God's help. How am I going to get that if I won't pray, study, or go to meetings regularly. I suppose the answer is, I won't. So I am stuck in this blood soaked field, with men fighting for their lives on top of me, waiting for Armageddon to take my life away (if I don't do it first.) I suppose my stream of consciousness (SOC) is getting worse.
Another Busted Weekend
It's Monday morning and IHMS as much as ever. I had dreams that I remember this weekend. They were bad. In one I was back at college. It was evening of 2 days before classes started and I hadn't begun to unpack my stuff. I kept running but could never get to the front door of my dorm.
I'm totally ashamed of this weekend. I ate too much. Watched TV all day Saturday and Sunday. This morning driving in I decided I am going to 1)Fast for a week. 2) Cut off TV cold turkey 3)Go to all the meetings, and 4) Start working out again. I give myself a 5% chance of doing all 4 and a 20% chance of doing one of them. Oh well, gotta have goals, right?
It's Thursday and I am still fasting. Yea so far! I did go to the meeting Tuesday. Yea so far! I have not watched any TV. Yea so far! I have NOT started working out again. Crap! Well, 3 out of 4 is better than 2 out of 3, and we all know that "ain't bad." (Yes, of course: ought to be a song . . . Meatloaf . . .) I did some reading on fasting and found that you can keep going until "true hunger" sets in. They say you'll know it when it hits. I don't think I am close to hitting it. I just hope to make it for 7 days.
So there is this big International Convention coming up on August 1 - 3. And dummy me, I just committed to being out of town from July 28 - July 31. Getting back after 9:00 PM at Regan National. How foolish am I? Very. I just can't believe I just did that. And for someone who has only traveled 3 times in 5 years, it is just so very sad. I started to say: "I don't know why I bother." However I do know, these are all feeble attempts to SAVE MY BACON. Armageddon is coming and, though I frequently contemplate suicide, I want to live. The desire for suicide is a desire to escape the pain I am in. God sees fit to let me undergo that pain. But in actual fact I do want to live. You wouldn't think so by my actions.
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