I am starting to loose my working edge. I am wasting more time and taking more la la land breaks. I am worried, not excessively so but I can feel dullness setting in. This could be really bad. I need to get a hold on myself and turn this around. (Now just how the hell am I going to do that?)
I just have to keep working late and coming in early. I really, really need to come in this weekend to get the reviews done for my people. Oh yes, and mine as well. I am tired, sleepy, and can't wait for this week to be over. It hasn't been "that" bad. but I feel stretched and uncomfortable in my own skin. I think it may be a result of having the inflated anticipation for talking to Grace, and then to Kyra, and then Tara. It's not going to happen though. It is just too expensive given my current volatile state. I need the cash for the IRS. I just can't believe how stupidly I continue to act in this regard.
I just can't see myself lasting through this. And I can't see myself being "ready" for Armageddon for another 5 years or so. It's all ugly. There seems to be no way out. (There ought to be a movie . . . dang, its been done.) I have read over and over, and have experienced it in my own life, that with God all things are possible. I guess that only applies to those who truly want to do his will. And I have demonstrated that I am not that sort of person. I haven't given up entirely. I thought I would a year or so ago, but I just couldn't toss it all over and live a life of moral abandon. I so dearly hate what I have done with my life, but I must suffer through the consequences. The ones manifest now and those yet to appear. Of course the consequence may include Death at God's hand, from which there is no escape. And I just can't seem to fix this.
So I am discovering that I am fixated on going out with an escort. No matter how impractical and expensive it is, I keep looking at profiles (both the ones previously identified and new ones,) thinking about how the date might go, what questions I might ask and such. Ultimately though I would have to select a card and put 1K - 2K USD in an envelope knowing I won't see it again. I know I will think about buying a surface (or possibly other ways to use those funds,) and I will back off. I suppose Grace is the only one I could really see making me actually moving forward. However I am well aware of my mind to play this sort of trick on me. Thinking I am standing when my legs are rotting from within leading to a seemingly sudden shift away from any previous resolution. I know how stupid it is but right now, I would say that I have a 50/50 chance of doing it anyway.
It's Monday morning and I am looking back on another busted weekend. Nrop, TV addiction, missed meeting and, of course, no work done. I didn't even pick up the laundry or mail, much less the needed medication. I even drafted a letter to the most expensive paid companion I have yet to come across. I didn't send it but I was close. I suppose I just want some level of association really badly. It reminds me of my decision not to invest in a PC when that was on the leading edge of a revolution. It is obviously not even close in comparison. But my mind has put this meeting on that level. It is like I really want to believe this is a pivotal meeting. One of critical importance. Of course it is just a trap. A money, and mind trap. I think I will have a "sort of" good time. I will either have a great time or will have an almost good time that I will think can be improved with just a little extra effort, a little more money, a little more pre-work, a little more cologne or whatever. Oh, and I wont have the MS Surface(R) that I could otherwise have.
Not it's Tuesday and I am becoming convinced that the positive momentum of the last few weeks has completely reversed. I am now rapidly descending in terms of my ability to work hard and accomplish work, spiritual or home based objectives. I shouldn't be overly concerned. It is just as serious as any other situation encountered thousands of times earlier wherein my life and my commitment to God is tested. I practically always fail. As I am sure I will again in this instance. God wants me to succeed. I behave as though I want to fail. The situation is such that I want the candy Satan holds out, but along with it he requires me to release my commitment to God, which I have relinquished (though grudgingly at times) more often than not.
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