I did meet with Linda (paid companion to those new to the blog) last week and had a wonderful time. We met at a restaurant that turned out to be really nice but not too very costly. The meal was OK and the interaction was very cordial. (I was aware of that issue I have recently seen discussed regarding spotting an escort with her "john," a hot chick with the dufus looking guy.) I think I did stand out in that way even though I attempted to mitigate the situation by wearing a sport coat. I decided to come early but that was completely the wrong thing. The more powerful person should always arrive last. I did manage a calm greeting, getting up and doing the "nice to see you again" hug. I tried to look confident and it felt like I pulled it off at the time but thinking back on it, I am sure it looked exactly like what was really happening.
I found Linda to be a truly multifaceted individual. She is smarter than I first imagined her to be (and yet still every bit as pretty if not more so. At one point I found myself a bit awe-struck. She was describing how she bravely made radical changes in her career choices pulling off a significant career shift based on wise advice. One point for further consideration arose from when I first met Linda. She seemed really excited to see me. I was a bit surprised by how enthusiastic she was and have wondered about it a couple of times. I'm not sure what was going on in her mind; I may never will as she has probably forgotten by now.
The gift for her was some underwear from MeUndies. She seemed to like it but obviously couldn't totally unwrap it at the restaurant. More on that later. I also explained that I had her secretary's gift back at my hotel a couple of blocks away but didn't want to bring it since the box was large. I suggested we pick it up on her way back. I wasn't sure how that would go over so I mentioned that as a "possibility" and didn't dwell on it. I figured she could evaluate how she wanted to handle that as things went on during this session.
So when we got back to my hotel I couldn't determine if she might wait downstairs for me to fetch the gift for her secretary from my room, but she seemed to have no hesitation following me up. I had the package near the front door to mitigate any concern she might have of "something else going on."
She was happy to accept Terri's boxed gift. She then began unwrapping her own gift. Hers was smaller (although more expensive) and I couldn't tell if she was disappointed or not. She said all the right works, thanks you, it is so <fill in adjective>, it's really nice.
The next day I followed up with a note to her secretary indicating that I had a great time with Linda. I heard nothing from her for a bit. After about 4 days I heard from her secretary indicating that she absolutely loved the wine glasses I bought for her. I sent the standard "your welcome" response and she replied to that indicating how much she loved them. Wallowing in my own ridiculous illogic (OK, not a real word) I imagined that Linda was jealous of Terri's gift.
When I got Linda's response I became somewhat comfortable that she really did like her own gift. She mentioned again how <nice or whatever> the items were and how she would use them. She also mentioned that she looked up the manufacturer for additional similar items. I've concluded that she did like and appreciate the gift.
So back to the moments on the date with Linda, during all the back and forth with Terri's gift and Linda's gift there were a couple of hugs exchanged. The first one could have been a kiss but I was already aiming for a sibling appropriate hugging motion when I realized she was aiming differently. I couldn't redirect myself in time without it being awkward.
She was wearing a short jacket so the hug wasn't as "nice" as the firs hug from her when she was in a sleeveless dress. The brief sensation during the release motion when my hand slid along her upper arm was probably the first adult human display of affection I had experienced in many many months. Actually the last prior time would have been with my ex when I was seeing her and feelings started to develop again. But given the state of affairs now, I look back on any displays of affection with the ex in disgust. On this date, even though we hugged a few times, her coat blunted the tactile sensation.
So as we were standing there chatting for a few seconds I realized that I could not see her eyes. She mentioned her eyes were blue, but at first mention, in the restaurant, her face was not well illuminated. So with her in the hotel, I walked her over to a hanging fixture and looked directly into them. They are, in fact grey blue. There is definitely blue there but at first blush I would call them grey or hazel. She mentioned that when she is nervous, they turn more blue and told me the story about how her mother used to say mean things to her just before a photographic session to get them to turn more blue.
Things ended with a final good night (sibling appropriate) hug and the date was over. I know she was getting a bit tired. She let it slip when she asked for the check at the restaurant. I was a bit disappointed that she was even aware of the passage of time. Not entirely surprising though. I really should have set up things for Monday evening. I am sure Sunday was a long day for her since she had flown in earlier that day.
Looking back it was like meeting a happily married best friend from College who happened to be in town for a couple of days. I actually had the almost identical experience with an unmarried best friend from college about 5 years earlier. That one didn't cost me a grand like this one did. (No, that relationship never went anywhere but into the toilet; I can't remember if I related that earlier in this blog.)
So now I relate that to more recent bible study which clearly illustrated the dangers of poor choice of association. I also think of the notion of using Match or other dating services. Actually I think that would be more dangerous. things will never go anywhere with Linda (or Lilly.) It is just way, way too expensive to maintain a long term relationship with either of them. I am discovering that I really don't want the "benefits" (as in friends with benefits. Though, maybe I think I am standing - inside Jw comment.)
I am starting to think about fs again. Not that I think I am close, but I am not sure I want to put any more obstacles in that path than I already have. Actually it might be like adding a wooden brace to a door that is already welded shut. Honestly that's probably a fair assessment (if I continue to avoid the "benefits.") The cost element is something that I simply cannot overcome for any length of time. I am already well beyond what I could have imagined during any sane moment.
Oddly enough, the lack of money is probably a key factor in my safety all these years. I just can't afford to steer off into oblivion spiritually speaking. I think that's why, when I am really poor and in financial trouble, I start to behave more spiritually.
What a jerk I have become. And God just sees it all . . .
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