Lilly (first and only other paid companion apart from Linda) indicated that she feels that guys have a "reason for seeing an escort" and then a "real reason for seeing an escort." I think I have figured out my "real reason for seeing an escort." It is because it is one woman I can go out with that won't laugh at me, act rude and treat me nicely. Of course it is because they are being paid to do that (the costly ones anyway.) I need that so badly I am willing to plunk down many hundreds of dollars in a single evening to have that experience. I suppose it is a date with a beautiful woman with very low probability of rejection. That's it. (I am starting to really believe that I don't want the "benefits", though as I type this I am getting really concerned that I "think I am standing.")
Fortunately the cost is the hard limit that I am not going to overcome. I will realize the expense before long and I will stop. There is little question in my mind. The one firm limit in my life is how much money to which I have access. Like everyone else, more isn't enough and the more I have the more I want.
I really need to think about other things. Studying the Bible, Exercising, Learning professionally and Eating responsibly. Those are the things that can improve my life. The trouble is I am taking such little interest in those things. It might be a part of the symptoms of depression. I suppose it is, given the fact that the other symptoms are there in such large measure.
I am a badly broken man and like a rocket that has lost its primary guidance mechanism I am continuing to fly around aimlessly. It is not always apparent but an aircraft flying without control damages itself as the flight limits are exceeded and this has been happening for years. If I manage to avoid disintegration with that mechanism, then inevitably I will one day either crash into the ground, crash not another flying object or simply run out of fuel. The final possibility is God comes along and takes me out and, having died at God's hand, I will have no hope. (See the earlier post depicting the imaginary gates of Hell.)
I can't turn this around. I am too damaged.
So I was thinking about this a couple of days ago. I realized that the elders "count" their time when they study with me, so they can't appear to be pushing as study on those who are look warm to the ides else they could be perceived as padding their service time with easy hours. So maybe that's why they didn't probe even the mildest of resistance to the notion. Honestly, If I say "I don't see the benefit . . ." I am still a bit surprised they wouldn't offer to mention the benefit unless they were afraid of something. This reasoning seems to make sense, but it may be just as foolhardy as reasoning that the flat earth rests on the backs of 4 elephants who are standing on a giant sea turtle. In essence I have little idea on what makes those guys do what they do.
Anyway, I am thinking of asking them for help yet again. I think that from their own perspective they have offered help on many occasions and I have refused it. (That's not my observation but I think it is their view.) It has been over a year since I met them last. The Cheese isn't coming for a few months so they aren't even thinking about me, whatever.
So if I ask for help I expect nothing more than another meeting where two guys sit, look at me and say: What's the problem.
I'll tell them the same thing I told them the last time: I don't do FS, I don't study enough, I don't pray enough. And I expect them to say, "well you need to: read your Bible, study more, pray more and go out in FS." Or perhaps they are a bit more insightful and say: "well, you need to read your bible and stop being depressed, and get a hobby."
Maybe they will do like the last couple of times and say: "What do you want us to do?" If that happens I have to be prepared to suggest a solution rather than saying the first thing that comes t mind: "<expletives and expletive laden coarse phrases deleted>" Rather I need to come up with some ideas as to how they could help:
1. Study w/me
2. Be nice to me at the meetings.
3. Stop treating me like a red-headed bastard step-child. (Actually I almost said ADHD step-child. However such children cannot be ignored. It is very easy for them to ignore me. What a crock this is, I'm 55 years old and trying to figure out how to get people to stop ignoring me.)
4. Go out in FS with me.
5. Invite me out sometimes
Item #1 is the only practical solution
I am too proud to say #2. It also allows me to see what people are really feeling. Not trying to project something based on knowledge I would rather they not have.
Item #3 is about the same as #2.
Regarding #4, I'm not ready to do FS so I don't think that is likely. Possible modify this to pactice for FS with me. maybe it could be combined with #1.
Item #5 is impractical because I'd like to know that someone really wants me there if I get an invitation. Right now I can't tell if people invite me because they want me there or if they are doing it because my son was complaining that I'm never invited. So I don't want to exacerbate that situation.
So the only thing they can do is to study with me. It's not like knowing the fractional additional knowledge will help anything, but the additional study time I'll need to put in and the association during the study itself will help.
I've got no idea if I'm really gonna do this thing.
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