Abandoned Hope

I recall a traffic accident about to happen.  I remember it in particular detail since it was really a slow moving potential crash.  It would have just been a fender bender - but who wants to have to deal with that, right?

I was sitting in a parking lot and someone started to back up.  The first flash was "Oh, surely they will see me in just a few of milliseconds."  They kept coming now very close.  At that time it was:  "Great guns, I don't even have time to back-up.  I had better blow the horn, this is going to disturb the church service but no matter, it's got to happen."  So I blew the horn.  One long blast.  As it sounded I watched the rear bumper disappear from view, even though I was sitting in a van much farther forward than a standard car such that once you can't see the rear bumper, it is very close.

They kept coming backward at a steady pace.  The horn was sounding, there was no way I could get my vehicle in reverse fast enough, all I could do was wait and hope.  Then the hope was gone.  "It's going to happen" I thought.  While I can't claim miraculous intervention, but it seemed that way, because the driver stopped millimeters short.  The messy accident was averted.

I feel like that micro-moment captures my current feeling.  The point where I had been waiting and hoping and the transition from hope to sure failure.

I used to say all the time:  "God hates me,"  because I simply don't follow his commands and I do things that break his principles and laws.  But Armageddon hasn't come yet, so I am trying to stop saying that.  I don't think it is true anymore.  Now I say to myself:  "God loves me; but I hate God"

“No one can slave for two masters; for either he will hate the one and love the other,+ or he will stick to the one and despise the other. You cannot slave for God and for Riches. Matthew 6:24 RNWT.

It sounds like such a strong statement, but there it is in the bible.  I despise God as, clearly something else (not necessarily riches, but something) is the master whom I worship.  Now, just how am I gonna fix this?

Study Meetings Prayer Service.  How I motivate myself to study?  Get to know God.  How do I get to know God?  Study.  How do I break out of this cycle?  Dear reader, I'll let you know if I ever do.

While I don't believe in a literal hell, I feel I am passing the pictured threshold. moving beyond the sign that reads:  "ABANDON ALL HOPE, YE WHO ENTER HERE"