Well the good news is that I didn't see Kyra. The bad news is that I won't grow at all. I won't have a memorable experience. I won't have something to look forward to when she returns. Big sigh, I made my choice and I know, beyond doubt, that is the correct one. Just not the fun one.
I am still sad all the time. With this medication I can still work. I need to expand the work to my other house. I need to bring it home to my condo. I am thinking that maybe I am exhausting myself working long hours for the company. Leaving little energy for the weekend, and working at home. I really don't know and I don't want to experiment. Work is really going smoothly now and I don't want to mess that up.
However I am dying spiritually. I had a system, but with no motivation to get it done, I am still dying. So I keep hangin' around the congregation while they all ignore me. I know that I should go to the meetings. So that is what I do. There is no physical impairment keeping from doing what I should. Maybe if I think of paradise, it might make a difference. I guess all my life I just assumed I would be there in spite of the bad twists and turn I have taken. Crazy I know. But there it is. I know consciously that I am not making it. I know the mandate from God, I know he deals severely (as in with deadly force) with those who choose not to do his will. I don't think I have a good chanced of surviving. I always thought that I could turn it around. But I can't seem to do that now. And I look over my life and I never have before. Twenty percent. That's what I think my chances are. I probably won't make it. But is enough of a chance to keep trying. While death brings relief from pain, it also means no more joy. I know that Joy is possible, even now in a spiritual sense but it is so far away and I feel incapable of crossing that chasm. God could help me if he wanted. I am very sure he has in the past. He may be helping me right now, or at least ready to help if only I would grasp it. I don't think I know how. He probably knows that I do know deep down inside, and he is waiting to see if I do the right thing (whatever that is.)
I should really pray more. Maybe I can add that to Meeting attendance and prayer.
2 & 1/2 days into a long weekend and I have wasted about 2 1/2 days. Binge watched "Hell on Wheels" through 2 seasons. I ate too much, and slept too much. Didn't go to work to do the performance reviews. I didn't read my bible. I didn't even go to the meeting on Sunday. I looked for more "providers" of companionship. All bad things. I have decided to stop watching TV until 2020. What a blackguard I have become. No wonder God has abandoned me. I walked, possibly ran away from him and am refusing to do his will. (Oh yea, and I didn't work out either.) I started a load of washing. I am so poor. That is the only positive thing I have done. I can't believe what an idiot I have become. I used to blame it on depression. Now that I am on medication I don't have any excuse anymore. I just so very much hate what I have become. A useless wart fallen off the buttocks of the congregation. I know that others want to help (obviously not very badly, but still a sentiment is there.) I always thought that the assistance would be a little more active. But those guys are real busy with people who deserve assistance. Not dead warts.
I suppose I should quit feeling sorry for myself and make something of myself. I lack the motivation to pick up after making a bowl of oatmeal. The salt pepper and box of raisins are left out until I feel like putting it away. Sometimes a day or two later. The counter top is stained with coffee for days on end before I feel like cleaning it up. So with me in that state, how the hell am I going to go to all the meetings, study for them all and then do personal study, read the bible, memorize the scriptures and presentations I need to to go out in FS. And pray. It feels impossible. And the deacons really don't know what to do, and neither do I. I am lost to Satan's world. I still resist him, but I can clearly see that I am loosing the fight. Yes there are a few victories here and there. I didn't see Grace, and later I didn't see Kyra. But see now, not inviting the company of escorts has become my "victory." How far this weak man has fallen; when not visiting an escort is his singular victory. I really don't like life. Apart from a funny joke, I haven't been truly happy for almost 10 years.
A few days ago I decided that I have a 20% chance of living through Armageddon. I thought that maybe i was feeling pessimistic. Now I think I may be too generous. I wish I knew what else to try. I wish the Deacons did. I wish I had a zest for life. Maybe then I would be motivated by do God's will. I should be motivated by the fact that he is the greatest personage in the universe. I wish the whole world praised his name so that I wouldn't stand out as being so different. Nonetheless, this is what he requires, and he doesn't ask for things that we can't do. So I am the fool, the errant one at fault. The failings are my own.
So not watching TV I began surfing the internet. The one thing I fixated on is finding another Escort. It took hours to comb through the advertisements, visit their webs site, read reviews, etc. I learned a lot of acronyms from this industry on one site that gave a menu's list of offerings. Interestingly, Kyra did not list anything. I think that speaks to her refusal to be compromised and compartmentalized. She breaks the mold, Can't wait until she gets back.
Service to God or service myself; guess which one has won. Now how the hell am I gonna unseat the winner? I want to and I don't at the same time. That's not good enough for God.
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