Waiting for the Next Blow to Land

Apparently I was added to Kyra's email list and I got a note from her saying that she will be in town and is looking forward to seeing her clients.  She lives in Toronto but really likes Washington DC.  The urge to see her, though, has noticeably diminished.  I reread it a couple of times yesterday and then again this morning and the urge just isn't as strong.  I think looking at the surface tablet that costs a little more than a date with Kyra helped me put a value on that money.  And while I really would like to go on a date with Kyra, there are so many other things that I could do with that money, it makes it more apparent that doing so would be unwise.

Now I look at her emails and say:  "I'd rather have the Surface."  It also occurs to me that I really want to take a nice vacation.  Kyra's fee would be almost half the cost of a really nice vacation.  And, of course, if I see Kyra once, I will see her again.

Now, I have seen this drop in drive before.  It was a trick my mind was playing on me to get me to drop my guard.  The urge (not the same one as now) came back again a day or two later and overwhelmed the mind.  So I really need to get my act together and stay alert for the next wave of desire.

Deep down inside, I just really hate what I have become.  Essentially no marketable skills, and no standing in my religion.  I have no friends and no relatives with whom I am comfortable speaking about these things.  My finances are a mess, my life is out of control, I look at the mountain of work needed to move forward in any area of my life.  It would be debilitating were it not for the drugs I am taking.

So it's Friday, Kyra is in town.  If I want to meet her, now is the time to send the email.  But, I must conclude that it is just too expensive.  I can't afford it.  And honestly, I'd rather have a Tablet PC like the new Microsoft Surface Pro 3.  Of course that is more than the cost I was planning to spend on Kyra.  but, it is a poor investment.

On a positive note, I have started doing my bible reading.  I did so every day this work week.  I don't see myself keeping it up.  I never continue with a good spiritual routine.  And, of course, I can't seem to develop the motivation to do so unless I am in deep trouble and want God's help.