I have to say that the heart is putting up more of a fight than I ever imagined. I have been looking at her website frequently over the weekend right into this morning. Since she obscures her face (as is normal,) I can't see her expression. The images themselves are posed, rather than her flowing into them. So I don't get much from them other than she likes to be drinking something (which is obviously something with which she decided to pose.)
Her reviews are consistently good, what little of them I can see. However since they are so brief, there is little insight. Again the logical conclusion is: stay away. I could spend a grand and have nothing but bitter memories. And OBTW, my car needs tires, and an oil change.
And the heart tugs on. Still trying to justify the logically unjustifiable. I have come to the conclusion, I don't want more stuff. I want experiences. The danger is that some experiences will get me kicked out of the congregation. I am thinking that maybe I could use this escort for the next company event. However she is just too cute. And that would be awfully dangerous.
An evening passed. it's now morning, a new day. The heart tugs on. Looking for any rational way of convincing myself. The plan seems to be to make myself think about it so much that I just act out. That is, do what I want to do despite the consequences. I would say that I am very close to doing so. I can't really tell based on my internal feelings, but that's normal before doing something bad. I think that I have myself under control, right up to the moment that I am doing that which I had previously decided not to do. I found last night that Kyra is 35 years old. That sounds like a perfect age for a woman. And the heart dreams on.
The more I think about this, the more I realize that it my heart scheming to over-rule my mind. I think of what it will feel like to make the decision. I consider how I would word the email. I think a bit about how I will feel after, but focus on how warm and good I felt after talking to Grace. One more point for the heart.
It's the end of the day and the heart continues to battle for control of my actions. During the day I created a draft of a note to Sandi, Kyra's assistant, saying guesss what, I'm getting back to DC just in time. Any openings left? I haven't sent it but, it is there poised and ready to click. Score another point for the heart.
I really hate what I have become. I think I want to serve God but my actions just don't show it. So it appears that I do not wish to serve God. Yet I keep hangin' around the congregation. Year after flippin' year. Hoping that some day I will start doing what I should done all along,
So here we are another day has gone by. I went to church last night and, while I don't enjoy the meeting, I do think I was somehow strengthened in my resolve to hold the course of abstinence. Also I saw a new Microsoft Tablet (Surface Pro 3) and that is about the same price. I'd much rather have the tablet than this experience. Score 4 for the mind.
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