Still On The "Air"

But no, its not to be.  And the droning goes on about how much IHMS.  I continue to disappoint myself at every turn.  I want to turn to God for help and have decided to really focus on praying each day.  It is hard to overcome the skepticism as I have been trying so long without success.  It does help to know that I am the one at fault.  So I need to find the "thing" or "things" that I am doing (or not doing) that are keeping me stuck in this loop.  I have been off nrop for a month or so, though with one relapse.  The bitch now feels qualified to bring it up in conversation.  She just got removed from the "shunning" list and feels ready to cast her pearls of wisdom in my general direction.

I find that with the drugs in my system I am able to work much harder than before.  I guess it blocks out all the other messages my brain is sending.  Things like: You aren't doing the right thing with your life, You are working yourself to an early grave, You need to find another career that doesn't involve corporate failure.  I truly HMS

Anyway, what do I choose to work hard on?  Secular work of course.  No spiritual progress in sight and none on the radar.  I truly feel that there is little hope for me, but not no hope.  Some part of me still wants to believe that I can make the needed changes to serve God well.  I suppose I am waiting for the trigger.  I can only imagine what that might be.  Whatever it is it is sure to be unpleasant.

It really seems my favorite (and only) escort is leaving the country.  It makes me sad that I did not see her back in April, even though I know that that was the correct decision.  And so goes the dichotomy in my head.  Wanting to do wrong, but knowing it is not right.  The only other escort that comes close to her is Avery.  but at a grand an hour, that's just not going to happen.

New Workweek:  So I looked online over the weekend and found Kyra Graves who hails from Toronto but is touring the US.  I reached out to her with an email, and haven't heard back yet.  (Of course it has only been 24 hours.  I also noticed that Avery has a Remote Package that I might choose.  It is a grand for the freedom to email her and expect a response.  I need more info though.  one may be limited to one email per week, which would make it not worthwhile.  We'll see how Kyra works out first.