Now I am in a sort-of limbo. The escort is coming to town next week for only a few days. The heart still wants to meet her and I left the door ajar. It wouldn't be too unreasonable to say: "Plans changed and I will be in town after all." I hope the head stays in control since I have an inkling of how powerful the heart can be (and has been in my case.) The thought of staring into a very beautiful woman's face right across the dinner table, or walking arm in arm on a warm spring night is so very appealing. Especially since the only way that will likely happen is that I will have to pay for it.
From a pecuniary standpoint, this is optimal. These escorts are both very expensive and very wrong. So cost is helping me in my decision to do the right thing. Doing the wrong thing is just so flippin' expensive. A natural access barrier is there that keeps me away except at specific times when my heart shoves that barrier aside. Like I said, I hope my head will stay in control.
It's lunchtime and I have gotten some good stuff done this morning. During the brief pauses I contemplate what it would have been like if I met with the escort. I think about what sort of questions I would have asked her and how she might have responded. Of course I imagine the best, my ideal. That's probably not her at all. Hopefully, I'll never know.
So the weekend is over and I am back to work after a too short and too lazy weekend. I wanted to come into work and do all this extra stuff, but no. I did laundry and went to church, went shopping and that's about it. Though long term readers will realize that is better than most weekends, it is still pathetic. That's the sort of list that gets done on Friday evening and is complete by Saturday morning. Nonetheless, it is better than I have done most weekends. So I started upping the dose of my medication since, while it seems to work well for my work habits, it hasn't spilled over to my home life. There I am just as lethargic as ever.
And, oh yes. I am still struggling with the decision to see the escort. While there is really only one answer that makes logical sense, my heart is waging a fierce and pitched battle to change my mind. I really want to have dinner, breakfast, lunch with a beautiful woman. I want to have a nice conversation with someone who is smart, beautiful and open-minded. I don't know if this escort has a kind heart. I can't discern that from the limited information she has on her web site. Not that the website is lacking from a comparative perspective. She has content that is consistent with some of the best sites I have seen. Yet it lacks the sort of information that provides enough insight into her true nature. Not that that should factor in the decision process, it is just weight my heart wants to use to overturn my head's decision.
For now, I decided to see her if her assistant reaches out, but not otherwise. A silly decision point, but it is the best I can do.
For the life of me I can't be sure why I want to take this course. I could certainly get professional help for my depression far less expensively. There are other ways of meeting people, however, no matter how I go about doing so. The process will lead to rejection . I am at a point right now where I rejection is very painful. The thing about buying time with an escort is that you won't get rejected (if you have done your homework.) You are guaranteed a nice visit (again if you chose well.) I think that that is what I want. To have a social visit with a beautiful woman and to be treated like a really great guy. And all being done by a gorgeous and intelligent woman. I feel elevated by doing so. Yes there are some other benefits: 1. Limited experience dating, 2. Talking with a beautiful woman without being as mal-affected by shyness as would otherwise be the case. 3. Possibility of learning some new insights from her. The reasons not to are legion.
The heart or the head -- who will win?
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