! Again

Some programming languages use the character "!" to indicate the logical notion of "Not."  So you can do operations like If x !=0; y/x; Else; 0.  That isn't valid syntax in any language but it gets the point across.  So I reached out and cancelled the date with the escort.  The plans were in limbo anyway as her assistant waited for a response from a prior provider.  They do this for their own protection and it is normal and reasonable.  I was "possessed" this morning and I ripped off a short note indicating my plans had changed and I wouldn't be available.  And then the heart chimed in (the heart wants what the heart wants):  "Let me know if hear from the first provider.  I want to be "approved" for when this new potential partner is available in the future."

Sh*t.  I just cannot seem to make up my mind.  Of course, if I keep dithering God will make it up for me.  And I'll wind up a crispy critter (or suffer some other vile termination.)  I know cancelling was the right thing to do, however when it was on, it really gives me something to look forward to.  And when things go well, I keep thinking about the wonderful experience long after.  It is so inspiring to sit across a dinner table and talk with a beautiful woman.  Of course I have to pay, since I am old, fat and ugly now.  Actually I would have had to pay when I was young and skinnier.  It just never happened.  The women I like are out of my league. I did accept something less when I was married.  I fell in love with her over time and I was OK with her looks which were above average, though not stunning.  However that marriage ended and I am back on the prowl, for all the good it will do.  

So I am willing to pay for the privilege.  Of course the Deacons would take a dim view of this.  Actually a "black" view.  (Not in the racial sense.)  I mean that I might be black listed if I did it and told them about it later.  "So just don't tell them" some of you may say.  I say, "This is all about serving God.  He knows anyway so I still have to take the punishment."  

So ultimately I am not willing to pay the price.  The monetary value is a no-brainer.  It is the cost I would have to "pay" to God for such a thing that gives me pause.  This makes twice in a row that I make arrangements for a date and I decide to back out later. Interestingly both times I did the old "Maybe later" thing.  Of course God sees that as well.  I think that I am just so desperate for attention from someone like these providers, that I actually consider such a stupid and dangerous move. 

Right now I am feeling glad I cancelled.  Later I will regret it.  And then I will bounce back and forth until the next opportunity to see a special someone reappears.  In hydraulics, there is something called a dither valve, that keeps an otherwise stationary cylinder moving slightly back and forth.  It is used to allow for smooth and fluid motion as, without this, a hydraulic piston's seal would take a set on a stationary shaft.  The first movement from that set position would be a jerk.  I suppose if I were a dither valve, I'd be a damn good one.

So what now, am I going to sit around and wait for the next opportunity.  Well, I hope not.  i'd like to get my posterior in gear and study the Bible like I mean it.  Of course when have I ever said that before  .  .  .

As I have said before so many times, I just don't know what to do.  So I hear that sometimes it is important to just do something!  Even if it is the wrong thing, the perturbation of the situation yields insights that can help you define the right course.   In my case the  good moves never last and the bad ones continue, as Ms Simon says: "comin' around again."  So I'm just dying.  If I decided to leave God, I think I could figure out how to make a happier existence for the remaining minutes, weeks or decades left before Armageddon.  This limp hearted effort I put into His service leaves me frustrated and sad.  I never feel good about myself.  I never feel happy and I don't look forward to anything except a date with an escort.