Groaning Metal as the Machine Threatens Coming to Life

 It has been a while since I last posted.  A lot has happened since then.  I have finally broken the logjam and can start working again.  I want to attribute this to God, but I don't understand why it took so long for this to happen.  It feels like nothing changed, just one day I could start working again.  My psychologist was relieved to hear that.

Now, again, I have fallen into the same pit that the Israelites did so regularly.  Now that the threat has passed, I went back to missing meetings at the KHall.  I attend remotely only about half of the time.  I recreated my profile on an SD/SB site, and I started perusing escort sites.  I tried to contact a half dozen or so.  Two responded with rates and availability.  I am still not quite ready to pull the trigger.  I found that asking if they offer Greek service tends to end the conversation.  The price remains sky high.  

Someone who is white and really very pretty is around 700 - 800 USD/hr.  Someone slim and pretty enough is about 600.  I found a new site, skipthefakes.com.  The women there are very cheap, relatively speaking.  They are 200 - 400 USD per hour.  One of the women there had reviews on TER.  Terrible reviews.  I don't have much experience at the lower levels in this service market; however, the more general rule seems to apply:  

"You don't get any more than what you pay for."  

And, of course, the corollary:  

"If you aren't careful, you won't even get that."

I have lost so much vacation time.  Now that I can work again, I worked thoroughly through the 2 weeks of vacation that I had around Thanksgiving.  I am also spending a few hours working around the Xmas holidays.  

All in all, it isn't unfair.  I spent so much time trying and failing to work that working over my vacation feels like giving back a little of what I missed in the months prior.  

Again, spirituality is in the toilet.  I stopped reading the Bible and commentary every day.  I will try to get going on that again.  So far, I've got nothing done on moving to Forest Hill.  I have spent countless hours watching TV.  These shows are consuming me:

1. The Diplomat
2. Homeland
3. Landman
4. Yellowstone
5. Orphan Black
6. Nashville (to a lesser extent)
7. Brockmeier (I can't resist anything starring Amanda Peet)

I just started trying to put all my troubles into MS Copilot.  It helps me to organize my thoughts.  It gave me a suggested path to completing the move.  Even coming from a machine, what it said about my overall situation was encouraging.

It's becoming increasingly apparent that my life is in shambles.  Nothing is going as well as it should. 

1. Physically (I'm fat and out of shape & my body is failing)
2. Spiritually (don't get me started)
3. Financially (struggling to stave off disaster)
4. Mentally (just living life is tenuous)
5. Secular Career (I'm deeply ashamed of it. I regularly reflect on all the mistakes I've made.)

I need to see a dentist and can't generate the moxie to schedule an appointment.  I am ashamed of how I have let myself go.  I worry all the time about losing my job.  I don't have enough to retire, and the big mortgage I took on to facilitate my move to Forest Hill weighs heavily on my mind.

Politically, the country seems to be spiraling out of control.  I never imagined a sitting president could be so openly corrupt without accountability.  I'm sure it has always been that way to some extent; now it seems so blatant.  I now have an idea of how outright persecution of JWs is coming to the US.

Anyway, I need to do my bible reading now.

The Perfect Woman for Me

I've often wondered what the "must-have" requirements for a woman would be.  I believe now I have that list:

1. Kindhearted

2. Intelligent

3. Sex positive

4. Able to make an honest assessment of anything, including herself, and is willing to improve.

5. Takes care of herself spiritually, mentally, and physically

My current girlfriend has the first three but not the last two.  Felicity misses #4.  I imagine Sasha N does as well.

On a separate note:  

I am still struggling to get work done.  I pray about it constantly.  But every time I sit down to do work I literally look for distractions.  

I'm having a lot of trouble getting to my church services.  I can attend online but that isn't quite the same as visiting personally.  I feel like I am being played a bit.  I keep praying about it and doing my continual education routine (albeit minimal). But I just can't seem to get traction.

I know it is related to me returning to my old vomit, porn.  It is my old nemesis.  I even hired an escort (for legal services only) recently.  We just went to a restaurant and talked a little.  But talk about a way to choke off the HS.  Man, both of those things are it big time. 

The moral of the story is, if you want to be a good Christian, all you have to do is act like one in every phase of your life, all the time, with few mistakes.  That's all.

 It has been a very long time since the last post.  So much has happened.

1. I connected with someone on SecretBenefits, had sex with them and then nearly got kicked out of the congregation again.

2. Tried to break up with them, but found that they want to be a part of the congregation (so they said) and got them connected to a congregation in their area.

3. Found out that I had impregnated her (so she says) and decided to marry her.

4. Found out that she is not pregnant nor has she been recently (based on the ER doctor) when she got drunk and passed out in a shopping center parking lot and woke up the next day in the hospital.

5. Nearly had sex with her again.

6. Found and bought a house.,

7. Went out in FS for the first time in more than a decade, and then did it again 2 weeks later.

8. Flagged on continuing out in FS 'cause I couldn't stand it.

9. Took my "girlfriend" to a Convention, found out that she didn't make lunch as promised (but that was really no surprise.)

10.  Nearly had sex with her again that night. 

11.  Got way behind on a work project.

12.  Got work-latched again.

13.  Stopped taking all my anti-depressant medication. 

Latched Up

 

The term "latched" is one I use to indicate my ability to work is frozen.  It is the mental analog to physical paralyzed; I can get hardly anything done.  The few things I can do are very small bite size snippets of activity.  The physical isolation that comes from working at home makes it worse.  I used to rely on peer pressure to keep me going when these symptoms arise.  

I so hate the person I've grown up to be.  I have achieved no meaningful goals.  Family, professional, spiritual and financial lives are all embarrassingly meager.  I am so deeply ashamed of myself.  I have just come to accept the fact that I am a complete and total failure.  Oh, and I have no friends. 

I know that I am not a complete idiot.  I have done some very foolish things, but I am not that way all the time.  I just figure that there must be some way out of this quagmire.  It has something to do with God.  People I know who put his interests first in their lives are happy, not miserable like me.  They aren't materially rich but they sure are spiritually.  The lead happy lives (overall.)

As my work grinds down to an end, I am coming to another crossroad.  How do I handle retirement.  It feels really bad approaching that decision because so many pivotal decisions in my life have worked out so very poorly.  Again, I approach this milestone not knowing what to do.

For the near term I am turning to drugs.  I asked and was prescribed Prozac.  I can take it along with the current depression medication.  Maybe that will help a little.

I'll keep you posted.

Days Rolling By

 

I sent a meeting request to a provider this morning.  Of course, I know that is a mistake.  I just crave the company and attention.  I haven't been able to appropriately manage the grinding loneliness and rejection I feel.  At least with an escort you consistently get smiles, approval and no judgement.  Also, I get intelligent conversation with a person whose views and sexual interests are compatible with mine.

I need to fear displeasing God more than I do.  If I did, I would be so afraid of sinning against him I would not even look at the contact sites where I find these providers.

I asked for a meeting tomorrow evening.  In all honesty, I hope she responds negatively.  It is 1G for a 2-hour dinner meeting.  But I have no recent references, so maybe she will say no just because of that.  I just don't know what comes over me when I do something like that.  I remember thinking at the time I was about to click send, how much I wanted to connect with someone.  Even just the conversation leading up to the arrangement (or the decision not to meet) is worthwhile to me.

1 day later

Since I haven't heard anything from the escort in 30 hours (and since I don't anticipate any response in the next 6 hours) I feel confident that if she does respond I can use the old "I didn't hear from you so I made other arrangements" excuse.  That's a bit of a relief.  It would be better if I did not hear from her at all, then I would know I hadn't burned a bridge.  Of course, that bridge would be best burned in any case.

2 days later

I've heard nothing from the provider.  I sent her the "I haven't heard from you in 48 hours so the deal is off" letter yesterday.  I'm glad to save the money.  I wish I could say I'm glad because I am respecting God's moral standards.  I don't know if that is really true.  

I went to church to be there in person Saturday.  Surprise!  The meeting was virtual only.  I texted the small group cheese about getting notified when that happens in the future.  He apologized and added me to the distribution list.  Itt's my fault for not doing so earlier.

I talked with my Ex about our mentally ill son.  She is still blaming me for causing the problem.  I pointed out that her deciding to leave the marriage is how the whole problem started in the first place.  Of course she didn't acknowledge that.  I just can't believe she didn't figure that out for herself.  She just fixated on something I supposedly did wrong and she keeps telling me about how that affected our son.  It reminds me where my son gets the habit of looking for someone else to blame.  Apparently, the kid is way into Marijuana.  I know his wife uses regularly.  The Ex seems to think that my kid is using regularly as well. While for many people some occasional THC is not a big deal, the Ex seems to think this is significantly contributing to my kid's mental problems.

It seems as though talking about problems with my Kid really drains me mentally.  I was useless for the rest of the day after that conversation.  Of course, I have been pretty much useless on the weekends lately, so the symptom may not be related to the conversation.

I haven't completely given up hope for the Kid.  I must acknowledge that the probability of him surviving Ag seems diminished.  This is especially true now that I see him making very public statements against the cheese in the local church.  I wouldn't be surprised if he doesn't make it.  Of course, I may never know as I wouldn't be surprised if I don't make it either.

I spoke long and hard with the elder I'm studying with about some of the challenges I am dealing with.  For the first time he acknowledged that I really spend the majority of my life solitarily. I'm glad someone finally realizes that.  He said he wants me to go with him to host a visiting speaker sometime in April.  We'll see if that pans out.  It is a long time away anyway.

Escorting We Will Go (Reprise)

 

When you see a cluster of blogs along the timeline you can be pretty sure that things are not going well for me.  This is another such case.  I have been feeling so ashamed and embarrassed lately.  My skills seem hopelessly out of date, and no one respects my input at work.  This makes me feel badly all the time.

I am back looking at escorts for some company now.  I know it is really very dangerous.  However they are nice to me and make me feel like more than I am.  It actually pumps up my self-worth after an engagement.

The downside is that it shows I don't respect God's willingness to take care of me in that respect.  History has shown that, escorts or not, I am severely lacking in the social interaction category.  Something is off about me.  

In any case, my situation just hurts.  It is very unpleasant. I pretty much don't like to be awake outside of working hours.    

My old nemesis porn is back with a vengeance also.  When I think of all the HS I blocked because of that habit, it starts to settle in why my life has been such a shambles.

At Least It's Almost Over

 

How do I change the trajectory of my life?  How do I make serving God more important than anything else?  The answer is some combination of study, meetings, prayer, service and association.  The big 5 incorporate all the key aspects.  Of course it all falls under love of God and love of neighbor.  However, the big 5 is what love looks like in action.

2 - 3 days later

It is becoming obvious that my depression symptoms are coming back stronger now.  Over the weekend my son posted on the church bulletin board about how badly the congregation has mistreated him.  What really appears to be happening is that he is not happy and he is looking for someone to blame.  Strike that, he finds someone to blame anywhere he looks.  Those trying to help get blamed.  So she posted her treatise blaming the church on a public review board.

That turned into a whole thing.  I read it as a cry for help, but when I reached out, she and her husband declined any offer for assistance.

This has brought home what a failure I have become.  No major area of my life has succeeded.  I feel badly all the time.  With the paralysis brought on by the depression, it seems like there is nothing I can do to fix this.

Super-Funk

 

Super-funk is how I'd describe myself today.  It isn't much different than most days.  I'm just coining a new word for it.  I'm still feeling bad all the time. There is no let-up there.  

Spiritually I'm circling the drain faster.  I'm watching porn again and missing most meetings.  Yesterday I watched just the last part of the Bbl study with the Wt.  So poor.  I'm gonna miss my study today.  

I am so enamored with women these days.  They look so pretty.  I long for their touch, kiss and more.  But only the pretty ones.  Those to whom I have no access without pecuniary resources.  

I sleep too much.  I am lazy almost all the time.  For some reason I don't think about self-harm as much as other times during which I have felt this despondent. Maybe I am finally internalizing what a bad idea that is.  In any case the prospect of surviving Armageddon seems more remote each week that goes by.

My son seems more and more like a lost cause.  He seems to be a victim of his own good looks and intelligence.  It has made him lazy and excessively dependent on others.  I wish I could help, but he doesn't want my help.  He just wants my money.  

I am crushed and useless in every way.  I just can't keep this up.  But then again, I've kept this, or something like it, up for more than 40 years.  It just keeps getting worse and more hopeless.  

I guess I'll just pray some more.  

My Wayward Son (reprise)

 

Recent events have led me to conclude that my son has multiple intractable problems.

1. He is a liar by commission and omission
1. He claimed he did not have the money for needed medical treatment and sought assistance from the congregation.  Later she paid for it with family savings.
2. He cannot accurately assess his role in the challenges he faces.  He is unwilling to accept counsel to that effect.
1. As a result, he chooses to blame others for his troubles.
2. He actively seeks validation for his flawed thinking.
3. Casual attitude to the recommendations & regulations of WBTS in both recommended actions and recommended things to avoid.
1. He is flirting with apostate thinking
2. He has used drugs regularly and I strongly suspect that he continues to do so habitually.  He has admitted that his spouse imbibes daily
4. He overvalues his own or adopted ideas and clings to them despite strong evidence to the contrary.
5. He is greedy
1. On having excess furniture, I sold some to friends who helped me in the recent past.  I offered some to my son.  He immediately complained that I had not offered everything to him first.  He ticked off several items that he wanted but never followed up with any actions to collect them.  

This has led to a very troubled existence.  This includes marriage, employment and spiritual difficulties.  It also includes troubles with the law and threats of self-harm. 

He is a very good-looking man and people all around him want to help him, but the defects mentioned above have limited the ability of others to help him.  

Nuclear War

 

I just finished reading a book about nuclear war.  It is written by someone who has researched the subject extensively, gathering all the unclassified information she could find on the subject.  This includes talking to several highly placed sources (retired) who had first-hand knowledge about how the nuclear deterrence is designed to work.  

To the best of her ability to determine, once a triggering event is started, there is only about an hour before the world is devastated.  While hundreds of millions die in the first hour or so, the remaining 95% is killed from the resulting fire storms, as a consequence of mass electrical outage or nuclear winter's cold and starvation. 

It seems so close and that hanging onto the status quo (no nuclear annihilation) is extremely tenuous.  It is the classic sword of Damocles hanging over our collective heads.  It seems as though it could slip into destruction at any time.  Based on her description, even US presidents just don't realize the gravity of the situation.  

Especially troubling is the short amount of time there is to react to perceived threat of incoming missiles.  In that brief time span whether key personnel are awake and coherent or not (drunk or not), in communications range or not, feeling too proud or not determines whether the world will end up as a smoldering ruin.  

It is soul crushing to realize how devastatingly mad the system is.  And this is where I put my primary trust and effort for the 45+ years of my life.  And this knowing that God has a better alternative than.  He has assignments that we should be fulfilling.  I turned my back on that work and focused instead on my narcissistic pursuits.  I am so damned stupid.  Yet and still the poison I drank in the quest for money and power still inhibits my ability to change course.  

While I spent my life paying relatively little attention to the scenery through which the bus is traveling, this book grabbed me by my ears and forced me to look forward down the way on which this bus is traveling.  It is as though it is weaving drunkenly on a narrow bridge over a volcanic cauldron with the world as passengers.  And there I am on top with all my valuable worldly possessions.

Of course I don't believe God would let it happen; nonetheless this is the best that mankind can do to manage ourselves apart from God.  Generally, mankind does not believe that God will intervene, and yet, with the whole world at stake, he can do no better than to hold it hostage to this potential fate.  How immensely stupid could I be?  

More importantly, how can I fix this?

Wayward Son

Wow, it has been quite a while.  Lots has happened since I last wrote.  

I had sex with someone, even though I was back in the organization.  My conscious bothered me enough so that I admitted my mistake.  As is typical the big dogs were all over me.  But they didn't kick me out again.  I forgot to tell them that I was sad over damaging my relationship with God.  But they coached me into saying something close enough.  

So several weeks later I someone got around to studying with me.  Things got going in May or so.  It is helpful.  I am still extremely lonely but at least there is someone to talk to once a week or so.  

I still get distracted by porn.  I start watching but not for long.  I prayed this AM to hate it.  Of course I'll need to pray several dozen more times (or so) before it takes effect.  That's not a complaint.  I am sure God wants to see if this is what I really want.  

Work is not going well.  The company doesn't have the money to spend on the product I am working on.  So it is languishing.  Sales of the product haven't improved in spite of rousing predictions at the start of the year.  

If that were not enough, the new wave of management wants to change things around.  In typical old school fashion, a small team of executives asked questions, then got together to decide what to do without  further involvement of the people who know the most about the business and technology.  I think I am about to lose my job yet again.  I don't yet have the motivation to look again.  

My son has gone off the deep end.  He is deep into conspiracy theories.  When I had some extra paintings I wanted to get rid of, he got really grabby and started telling me all of what he wanted as though he were shopping in a store where the merchandise was free.  I pretty much decided to curtail the freebies to him.  I gave him so much and he just doesn't appreciate it.  He actually doesn't mind taking hand me downs.  It is like he thinks this is the normal way things are done.  The thought of working hard, eaning money, saving up and buying stuff himself just hasn't occurred to him.  Oh my God, where did I go wrong.  I love him so much but now he decided to stop talking to me.  

I think he thinks that this is really hurting me.  It isn't.  I am sad, but I know that God will give him what he deserves.  I grieve the fact that I didn't give him the best chance of being a godly person.  But there seems to be nothing I can do now.  And giving him more stuff isn't the answer.  He doesn't appreciate the many things I have given him thus far.  

 

I wrote this in winter of 2023 but didn't publish 2024.

Well things have taken a turn for the worse.  I sort of "knew" this would happen.  I quit studying like I had been doing faithfully each day.  I don't know why.  It happened around the same time I started watching porn again.  So, obviously, I am trying to pinch off that habit again.  I also quit going to meetings for a a couple, maybe 3 weeks now.  So yea, It's bad.

It is the same old situation:  I don't feel like doing anything.  When I recognize the need to move forward on something I just can't generate the motivation to do so.  I think that when I started watching porn again regularly, God withheld his HS which meant that I faltered in doing the studying which led to lower HS.  Of course that made it more difficult to stop the Porn habit and also made it harder to get to meetings, which again limited the HS.  In short a death spiral.

3 week break

So I completely quit studying for a couple of weeks now.  I have restarted as of yesterday and today, but it is anyone's guess as to whether that continues.  

Long Break/

Well it is the new year and I started it off with a royal screw up.  Quit literally so.  I was perusing my favorite escort site and happened upon 

Back In

 

I made it back into my religion.  I'm not being shunned anymore.  It came about a little off schedule.  I had planned to resubmit my plea for reinstatement in September.  I figured that would allow plenty of time to have passed since my last transgression.  I figured it would come up during the hearing (it did.)  But for some reason I started thinking of going ahead and submitting the plea.  So, I did.

The committee almost rejected me.  I think it was because I didn't show all the emotion and talk about loving that they were accustomed to hearing.  After deliberating they told me that they were not going to let me back in.  I said   OK.  But for some reason I told them that I am not emotional, and I doubt that a month or two from now I was going to come back feeling all the wonderful feelings that they seemed to expect.  I told them that good behavior is the best I can do right now, and probably for a long time to come.  

I just left after that and started walking to my car.  But crazy enough, someone rushed out of the building and asked me to return.  I did and they had changed their mind.  So I am back in.  There are the typical constraints that come from having just been allowed to return after being kicked out.  But that is expected.  

I have managed to keep up a routine of study and prayer.  I think the study is particularly effective since I had been praying a lot before with limited effect.  So, I don't know what the rest will be like.  They want me to have a mentor that hasn't been selected yet.  We will see how that turns out.  

Edge of Salvation

 

I am pushing to get back into my religion recently.  I decided to wait until September, but for some reason I submitted a plea for return a few days ago.  It seems to take a week or so for the deacons to respond so I'm not holding my breath.  

A wave of nostalgia for the past wanton lifestyle came over me this AM.  I looked at some advertisements for escort services.  There is a pattern I had when using them.  I would look at the aggregation site and then open in new window the businesses in which I was particularly interested.  There are about 3 such aggregation sites I used regularly.  I visited all three this AM.  I went through the usual procedure and identified two candidates in particular that roused the most interest.  In the end I closed them all down without any attempt to contact the proprietors.  

If I am successful in getting back into the organization, this weakness will stay with me until the end of my imperfect life.  I will have to learn to deal with it better than I did this morning.

Work is just as frustrating as always.  I am trying to just let everything go and not worry about the disappointments there.  It simply isn't worth the mental effort.

I have started working through a number of courses on Linked-In Learning.  I am happy to be doing this.  Again, I am afraid that it won't last very long.  

 

It's July, halfway through 2023 and in my 5th year of being kicked out of my religion.  I started studying regularly about a month or so ago.  I always thought I would stop after a few days but I prayed that I would keep going and well, what do you know, I still am a month later.  I know I need to do more studying to get good at my religion.  However, I don't want to add too much, really, I don't want to add anything to the process for fear that I stop doing any studying at all.

I do find that studying has impacted some of the choices I am making in the rest of my life.  I guess that is what is supposed to happen, but it is interesting to see it play out in real life.  I am looking at porn less almost rarely.  Even during long periods of inactivity when I would normally turn to various salacious web sites, near porn is what I would call some of them.  I am doing that only occasionally now, like a couple of times a month.   

What has stuck with me is that I am still totally without motivation.  I sit around the house with so many things that need doing, but I can only seem to watch TV, read books and just mope around.  

I have come to realize that I need to purge massive amounts of junk from my house.  My files, my precious files, they are being purged strongly.  I have thrown away at least a third of them.  I'm not finished yet.  There is so much more that I want to get rid of.  And old stuff that I used to save just because, well you never know when I might need this again.  That old stuff is going out now.  I regularly fill three large trash cans each week of stuff to be taken away.  I would do more If the trash service here picked up twice a week.  

Big Sigh

 

So here I am in July 2023.  I am still disfellowshipped and lonely as hell.  Nothing to be done about it.  I contacted an escort I met a few years ago pre-pandemic.  I nearly went to see her which would have knocked me out of the running to get reinstated pretty much any time this year.  So I am glad I didn't do it but it leaves me feeling really badly, because there will never be another chance to have that kind of fun for many years to come.  

I am on vacation from work and I am finding that I have no motivation to do anything.  Even the readily needed projects with a clear list of required actions are out of reach from a motivation standpoint.  In the past I found that stressing out about it is useless.  I want to dive into porn just to pass the time, but I'm high on anti-depressants and that takes the sex drive away.  Also, it is messy and requires a lot of clean-up.  I don't want that.  And, oh by the way, God doesn't like it.  

So now I am eating too much and ruining the weight loss regimen I had been on for the last few weeks.  

I really some sexually explicit entertainment.  But I just can't see myself doing that.  It is so bad.  I cannot stand this, but there is no way out.  I am looking for TV to watch but all the shows are so stupid.  I hate the spiritistic, horror and similar dramas.  Comedies are usually completely stupid.  So there is basically nothing worth watching.  It leaves me totally bored.  

I started leaving a JW Broadcast droning in the background as I write this.  I know it is good for me but it is often depressing to listen to.  I am constantly reminded of my mistakes and the mistakes of my folks that led to stupidity on my part.  

Of course, when my own kid rails against my mistakes I realize that blaming my folks is just, again, stupid.  

I should read, but I am too lazy to do that.  

To the Back of the Line with You

 

So I screwed up again. Big time.  I got some action with a gal from a web site.  It wasn't a very good lay but the gal was super gorgeous.  

Of course, I feel awful, but then again I am acting like, well I screwed up, might as well wallow in this mire for a bit.  It can't get much worse than this.  Oh but it can.  All sorts of trouble may ensue.  

I am worried that I caught something from that woman.  She kept her hands placed at the crease of her legs next to her genitals.  I wonder if she was covering evidence of disease.  

The sex was weird.  She required very little foreplay.  She came quickly.  Then she tried as hard as she could go get me off with oral.  But the action was so obvious and rushed I stopped it.  We copulated again until I came but it wasn't much fun.  She has a great body but I spent most of the time trying to figure her out.  

She also had this thing where she wanted the room to be dark.  When she showered after, she wanted the bathroom dark as well.  That is why I think there was something she is hiding.  I suppose it could be a tattoo, but that doesn't seem reasonable to me.

So now I am following up with a mad search for some better poon.  But all the sites have the same problem.  No one wants to be with an ugly old black fat man like me.  Of course, it is not a problem with the sites, or with the women on the site.  It is my problem that I have failed to fix.

These days I am beating the web site looking for similar encounters.  But the same problem exists, I just get used to the constant rejection.  

I want to turn around and try to get back in the good graces of God, but I feel so guilty I don't pray much anymore.  Not even for meals.  

* Break *

So it has been a little over a week since my gross indiscretion.  I prayed once or twice now.  I still feel badly when I do.  I have a lot of trouble facing God now.  

I found the encounter with this woman strange as mentioned earlier.  I scheduled some time to discuss the encounter with her this evening.

*Break*

So I did talk with this woman.  It went well.  I was more nervous than I would have liked to have been.  She was concerned herself about how this meeting was going to go.  She thought our first meeting was "rough" to use her word.  I didn't perceive it as such but that sentiment registered strongly with her.  

She indicated that she wanted it to be dark during the sex because she doesn't like to be the object of leering.  She said she wanted it dark when she showered because she just likes it dark generally speaking.  I find that explanation difficult to swallow but I'll let it go for now.  

I didn't ask what she was hiding when she kept her hands on either side of her vulva when I was eating her out.  I had covered a lot of ground and didn't want to press further.

When I talked about how fast the session went, she indicated that she thought that is what I wanted.  I can understand that a lot of guys would like that kind of hard pounding quick action.  I indicated that my preference is for my partner to be the first to climax once or twice before I took my turn.  

But all this comes with the knowledge that this is totally wrong from God's standpoint.  He hates that I am doing this and even that I am thinking about it.  

* Break *

So the Memorial is coming up next week.  Another DF memorial.  Shit.  I really thought I'd be over this by now.  Oh well. I have to wait until at least July to try again.  That satisfies the "several months" clause in the Organization book.  It may not be "a year or more" but the listing of multiple options indicates to me that it is not too soon to at least ask.  As much as I don't want to, I am drawn to a Sugar Baby I met earlier.  The same one I penetrated.  I really like her, as far as one can know that at this point.  I want to visit again but I'll try to avoid the sex.  I really need someone to talk to.  And I have no one but God now.  He should be enough for me, but I am just stupid.  

* Break *

I contacted the SB again this week.  She agreed to meet on Saturday but then later asked me to "help her with her tuition."  I said that we could work something out and suggested we arrange to talk sooner or later.  She didn't respond to that at all and I finally lost patience and told her (in a nice way) that this just isn't working out.  She never responded to that so it seems quite clear that she wasn't interested in continuing the engagement. 

Of course this leaves me feeling good about saving money, feeling like shit for the inability to seem the least bit desirable to women.

* Next Day *

I felt like shit all last night.  I haven't exercised in a couple of weeks.  Memorial is coming up and I know I want to go.  I just have this feeling like I won't make it.  I started taking a depression drug Aripiprazole.  It makes me really sleepy, but I feel so badly, I am willing to put up with that.  All I do is read Science Fiction novels and watch you-tube videos.

I have a meeting tonight, the old KMS&SM.  I never want to go and almost never even attend virtually.  I plan to try and go physically.  I doubt if I will make it.  I just feel like I am scraping the bottom again.  I can't seem to pull up.

* Next Day *

So I did attend the meeting virtually.  I did not go physically.  Amazingly I paid attention for the most part throughout the sessions.

I'm still not exercising but I did manage to take a shower today.  

I started doing some laundry on Friday.  I did that today along with some grocery shopping.  Maybe going to meetings helps with depression.  

*** Long Break ***

It's near the end of May now.  Amazingly I have been reading the text, the Wt article and reading a chapter or two from the bible for the last 2 weeks or so.  I don't know how much longer this is going to keep up.  But I hope I can make it a long term habit.  God knows how much I need this to happen.  I try to remember to pray after the study session but I often forget, like today.  

I haven't kicked porn yet, but if I can hold out for another 4 months (Until September) I plan to make another plea for rejoining the congregation.  I think I won't make it.  I am so tempted to screw up all the time that it just doesn't seem likely.  Maybe God will take pity.  I think he will if I can keep up the prayer.  I don't think I can do that though.  In any case I intend to keep trying.  

I've been thinking lately that I might as well go ahead and try to submit a plea sooner, but that seems like it will be DoA given the recent screw up.  I can remember them saying that it is "not based on time."  but I don't believe that.  It is not what the Organization book says so I feel I have good basis for retaining my earlier view.  The same as was stated in the same book:  Several months, a year or more.  I figure 6 months qualifies as several months so I plan to just wait it out.  

All that aside, I still can't seem to get my very self to the Thursday night meeting.  I feel so exhausted after work, even if I am working from home.  This habit of going to bed at 5:00 PM, waking up at midnight for a couple hours and then waking up finally between 3:00 - 5:00 AM is just nuts.  I have to figure out how to stop doing that.  

Big Sigh, Let's Try This Again

 

I sent another letter to plea for re-communication (as opposed to excommunication) to the church.  I keep trying to do what is right but it is so difficult to do so.  I don't think they will let me back in since I haven't been going to services very regularly.  

I'll use the depression excuse.  I don't really know if that is valid, but it's all I've got.

I didn't spend a lot of time on the letter.  I just updated the one I sent before.  I am surprisingly anxious to get the meeting scheduled and over with.  I think that if I am denied again I will crumble in my efforts to block out the activities that got me kicked out in the first place.  

I started listening to the recordings again.  That really helps to put me in the right mindset.  

And Down We Go Again

 

It has been several months since my last post.  I keep toying with new medications, but nothing helps.  I nearly died when one of the medications severely reduced my night vision.  I almost crashed into the back of a semi-truck.  I think God saved me there.  

So, I just got a blast of motivation.  I invited a sugar baby over to my place for dinner & cuddles.  I don't know why that has given me such a boost.  But I am going through the condo and throwing out all kinds of useless stuff I had been keeping. 

Weeks before that I fixed the hot water heater (after years of cold showers) I can't tell if I am coming out the other side of all this depression.  Ever the pessimist, I don't think so, but I remain hopeful.  

For the last 2 weeks I have been reading the text and doing a chapter of bible reading consistently.  I don't know how much longer this will last.  I guess it is possible that this may help explain my motivation rise.  There was such a blast after I made the appointment with the SB that I still believe that was a factor.  

In any case I started getting some work done on my house in SOVA.  Roof, basement sealing and some interior cleaning.  Next up are the cabinets.  Sanding, priming, painting.  I got a new 'fridge delivered.  I had to make a cut-out in the cabinet for it to fit.  It does just barely.  

I am really worried I will screw my SB which would put the whole reinstatement thing back a year or so.  After the denial last year around this time, I went back into porn and haven't felt ready to try for reinstatement again.  If I can stay away from the porn I will try again in April.  However, if I end up screwing the SB, that will be off the table.  I pray about this, but I keep working against my prayers.  

I plan to go to a meeting today in person.  I can't imagine that going well.  Just more humiliation.  I know that the reinstatement board will think that is important.  Maybe it is, I just don't really know.  

It is super interesting sitting back and watching my myself flail around trying to get back into the truth.  It is not going well.  I can't seem to fix it.  I will see if I can keep with the text and bible reading.  However, getting to meetings is turning out to be really difficult.  

I get mentally exhausted during the day and typically have to take a nap at 5:30 or so.  That usually lasts until about 8:00 - 8:30 which makes meeting attendance impossible.  I have tried just staying awake, but the exhaustion is just overwhelming.  

I don't think I will make it.  I am just performing too poorly.  I can hardly imagine being clean enough to get back in much less being ready to do FS.  

***  The next day  ***

Well, I missed the meeting.  I decided not to go in person after getting of the metro.  Then I decided not to attend virtually.  I was just so mentally exhausted.

Somehow the urge to clean this place up has continued.  I have a bunch more boxes lined up for dispatch.  Garbage is picked up on Friday so I plan on having a mother-load of items for removal.  

I really want to spend a lot of time talking to the SB.  She seems pretty interesting but in the initial meeting I found her hard to talk to.  Not that she was resistant in any way, it is just that I had to carry the conversation.  

Maybe I'll list some talking points for our meeting.  I already had a couple of items:

1. How do you protect your health in this business?

2. How many SD's do you manage at the same time?

3. Propensity to do business events?

4. Travel arrangements

         a. Vacation?

        b. Do you like the beach

5. Why did you respond to my profile

6. What were you like when you were in high school?

7. What have you learned about men in this business?

8. What are a couple of your strongest assets as a human?

** One or two Weeks Later **

Scratch all that crap above.  The woman (not the first depiction to come to mind) canceled on me twice.  So I feel like sh*t now.  I'm glad it happened because it would have set me back spiritually so far if I did meet with her.  However, I am most unhappy now.

I am again unmotivated to do anything.  Even working is difficult.  It all just seems so pointless.  In actual fact it is pointless.  No one is going to care after Armageddon.  The only thing that is critical is being obedient and surviving through God accepting my service and granting me passage.  The more I commit serous sins (like fucking that woman) the less likely that will happen.  So, I am happy that she canceled.  Even though I thought that maybe we wouldn't have sex, I believe that we would have.  

I was exercising every morning for a couple of weeks.  This is day 4 when I didn't do so.  I was reading the text and reading a chapter in the bible for maybe a couple of weeks.  That stopped something like a week ago.

I'm just going downhill now.  I don't see an escape ramp coming up anytime soon.  But I don't see what God sees so I'm back to "I don't know what to do."

Never Again

 

I am not feeling overly dejected for having my application for re-establishment of myself into the congregation denied.  I think it may be more impactful than I know.  I want to use dejection as an excuse to return to the self-pleasing practices that got me kicked out in the first place.  The draw there is still pretty strong.  

My long(ish) term escort trashed me to her friends on Twitter.  I still feel pained over that.  I really thought we were, well, more friendly than that.  I know we aren't friends.  But I don't think it was kind.  But thinking of myself critically, I could see myself doing something similar.  I don't want to admit that, but I have been rather unkind in the past.  Nonetheless, that is helping me to stay away from her.  It also reminds me that many others of that ilk are equally, if not more unkind than she has been.  

How I get myself to do God's will all the time is unknown to me.  

It is morning now.  I need to start working.  I have found it very difficult to get engaged in work today.  I tried to start working a couple hours ago, but I just didn't get going.  

And I'm back after a couple of nonblogging months.  It is June now.  The last two have been pretty bad.  I quit going to meetings regularly, and I watch porn every other week.  It is sad.  I truly hate what I have turned into.  I can work pretty well.  The medication allows me to start early and work well until about 3:00 PM.  It is hard to be productive after that, but since I begin between 5:00 and 6:00, I am confident I am putting in an honest work day. I even spent a couple of hours working this past Sunday.  

I can't seem to do anything else, though.  I have gotten used to doing grocery shopping on Saturday AM.  

My son needs money for therapy.  250 clams per hour-long session.  Oh well.  I hope it helps.  She seems to suffer a lot.  

Work is, well, interesting.  My next challenge is a BA who is so sensitive if I think an unkind thought, she complains to her boss.  (who complains to his boss, who complains to my boss, who complains to me.)  What a crazy messed-up system we have to work out problems.   

I am sorely tempted to fall back to the old ways.  Cuddling is not available.  Tinder, A. Madison doesn't work well for me.  I genuinely hate where I am.  The deacons did hand me back to Satan when they rejected my application.  But, of course, this is my own damn fault.

** Long Break**

It is the middle of July now.  I took all of last week off for vacation.  I went nowhere.  I did basically nothing.  I kept trying to do stuff, and my mind refused to cooperate.  I read books, watched TV, and that's about it.  

Coming back to work this week, I feel much better.  I can work hard and steady for longer now.  It's a great feeling.  

However, I am beginning to come to grips with the fact that I may never be able to get work at home done anymore.  It has been 18 years since I have been gripped by this depression.  I can work but do nothing else.  

I even asked the bitch for help.  Imagine that.  After all the shit I took from her, connected to asking for help.  Appropriately she ignored my text.  NEVER AGAIN.

I am heartbroken that my plea for reunification was unsuccessful.  Of course, I dropped back into porn again.  I keep thinking I need to be 3 months clean to request reinstatement.  So that puts me in mid-October.  Of course, I probably will fail to make that goal and will be lucky if I am 3 months clean by 2023.  

I also toyed with hiring an escort with the hope of some serious and unscriptural intimacy (if the escort will allow.)  I just have to quit that.  I don't know if I ever will.  Damn, I sure hope so. 

The new convention videos are available now.  Maybe if I can get on board with that, I can claw back some lost ground.  Based on my performance to date, I doubt it, but I still hope to get something going.  

I am just such a piece of crap.