Wayward Son

Wow, it has been quite a while.  Lots has happened since I last wrote.  

I had sex with someone, even though I was back in the organization.  My conscious bothered me enough so that I admitted my mistake.  As is typical the big dogs were all over me.  But they didn't kick me out again.  I forgot to tell them that I was sad over damaging my relationship with God.  But they coached me into saying something close enough.  

So several weeks later I someone got around to studying with me.  Things got going in May or so.  It is helpful.  I am still extremely lonely but at least there is someone to talk to once a week or so.  

I still get distracted by porn.  I start watching but not for long.  I prayed this AM to hate it.  Of course I'll need to pray several dozen more times (or so) before it takes effect.  That's not a complaint.  I am sure God wants to see if this is what I really want.  

Work is not going well.  The company doesn't have the money to spend on the product I am working on.  So it is languishing.  Sales of the product haven't improved in spite of rousing predictions at the start of the year.  

If that were not enough, the new wave of management wants to change things around.  In typical old school fashion, a small team of executives asked questions, then got together to decide what to do without  further involvement of the people who know the most about the business and technology.  I think I am about to lose my job yet again.  I don't yet have the motivation to look again.  

My son has gone off the deep end.  He is deep into conspiracy theories.  When I had some extra paintings I wanted to get rid of, he got really grabby and started telling me all of what he wanted as though he were shopping in a store where the merchandise was free.  I pretty much decided to curtail the freebies to him.  I gave him so much and he just doesn't appreciate it.  He actually doesn't mind taking hand me downs.  It is like he thinks this is the normal way things are done.  The thought of working hard, eaning money, saving up and buying stuff himself just hasn't occurred to him.  Oh my God, where did I go wrong.  I love him so much but now he decided to stop talking to me.  

I think he thinks that this is really hurting me.  It isn't.  I am sad, but I know that God will give him what he deserves.  I grieve the fact that I didn't give him the best chance of being a godly person.  But there seems to be nothing I can do now.  And giving him more stuff isn't the answer.  He doesn't appreciate the many things I have given him thus far.