I sent a meeting request to a provider this morning. Of course, I know that is a mistake. I just crave the company and attention. I haven't been able to appropriately manage the grinding loneliness and rejection I feel. At least with an escort you consistently get smiles, approval and no judgement. Also, I get intelligent conversation with a person whose views and sexual interests are compatible with mine.
I need to fear displeasing God more than I do. If I did, I would be so afraid of sinning against him I would not even look at the contact sites where I find these providers.
I asked for a meeting tomorrow evening. In all honesty, I hope she responds negatively. It is 1G for a 2-hour dinner meeting. But I have no recent references, so maybe she will say no just because of that. I just don't know what comes over me when I do something like that. I remember thinking at the time I was about to click send, how much I wanted to connect with someone. Even just the conversation leading up to the arrangement (or the decision not to meet) is worthwhile to me.
1 day later
Since I haven't heard anything from the escort in 30 hours (and since I don't anticipate any response in the next 6 hours) I feel confident that if she does respond I can use the old "I didn't hear from you so I made other arrangements" excuse. That's a bit of a relief. It would be better if I did not hear from her at all, then I would know I hadn't burned a bridge. Of course, that bridge would be best burned in any case.
2 days later
I've heard nothing from the provider. I sent her the "I haven't heard from you in 48 hours so the deal is off" letter yesterday. I'm glad to save the money. I wish I could say I'm glad because I am respecting God's moral standards. I don't know if that is really true.
I went to church to be there in person Saturday. Surprise! The meeting was virtual only. I texted the small group cheese about getting notified when that happens in the future. He apologized and added me to the distribution list. Itt's my fault for not doing so earlier.
I talked with my Ex about our mentally ill son. She is still blaming me for causing the problem. I pointed out that her deciding to leave the marriage is how the whole problem started in the first place. Of course she didn't acknowledge that. I just can't believe she didn't figure that out for herself. She just fixated on something I supposedly did wrong and she keeps telling me about how that affected our son. It reminds me where my son gets the habit of looking for someone else to blame. Apparently, the kid is way into Marijuana. I know his wife uses regularly. The Ex seems to think that my kid is using regularly as well. While for many people some occasional THC is not a big deal, the Ex seems to think this is significantly contributing to my kid's mental problems.
It seems as though talking about problems with my Kid really drains me mentally. I was useless for the rest of the day after that conversation. Of course, I have been pretty much useless on the weekends lately, so the symptom may not be related to the conversation.
I haven't completely given up hope for the Kid. I must acknowledge that the probability of him surviving Ag seems diminished. This is especially true now that I see him making very public statements against the cheese in the local church. I wouldn't be surprised if he doesn't make it. Of course, I may never know as I wouldn't be surprised if I don't make it either.
I spoke long and hard with the elder I'm studying with about some of the challenges I am dealing with. For the first time he acknowledged that I really spend the majority of my life solitarily. I'm glad someone finally realizes that. He said he wants me to go with him to host a visiting speaker sometime in April. We'll see if that pans out. It is a long time away anyway.
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