The term "latched" is one I use to indicate my ability to work is frozen. It is the mental analog to physical paralyzed; I can get hardly anything done. The few things I can do are very small bite size snippets of activity. The physical isolation that comes from working at home makes it worse. I used to rely on peer pressure to keep me going when these symptoms arise.
I so hate the person I've grown up to be. I have achieved no meaningful goals. Family, professional, spiritual and financial lives are all embarrassingly meager. I am so deeply ashamed of myself. I have just come to accept the fact that I am a complete and total failure. Oh, and I have no friends.
I know that I am not a complete idiot. I have done some very foolish things, but I am not that way all the time. I just figure that there must be some way out of this quagmire. It has something to do with God. People I know who put his interests first in their lives are happy, not miserable like me. They aren't materially rich but they sure are spiritually. The lead happy lives (overall.)
As my work grinds down to an end, I am coming to another crossroad. How do I handle retirement. It feels really bad approaching that decision because so many pivotal decisions in my life have worked out so very poorly. Again, I approach this milestone not knowing what to do.
For the near term I am turning to drugs. I asked and was prescribed Prozac. I can take it along with the current depression medication. Maybe that will help a little.
I'll keep you posted.
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