Super-funk is how I'd describe myself today. It isn't much different than most days. I'm just coining a new word for it. I'm still feeling bad all the time. There is no let-up there.
Spiritually I'm circling the drain faster. I'm watching porn again and missing most meetings. Yesterday I watched just the last part of the Bbl study with the Wt. So poor. I'm gonna miss my study today.
I am so enamored with women these days. They look so pretty. I long for their touch, kiss and more. But only the pretty ones. Those to whom I have no access without pecuniary resources.
I sleep too much. I am lazy almost all the time. For some reason I don't think about self-harm as much as other times during which I have felt this despondent. Maybe I am finally internalizing what a bad idea that is. In any case the prospect of surviving Armageddon seems more remote each week that goes by.
My son seems more and more like a lost cause. He seems to be a victim of his own good looks and intelligence. It has made him lazy and excessively dependent on others. I wish I could help, but he doesn't want my help. He just wants my money.
I am crushed and useless in every way. I just can't keep this up. But then again, I've kept this, or something like it, up for more than 40 years. It just keeps getting worse and more hopeless.
I guess I'll just pray some more.
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