So here I am in July 2023. I am still disfellowshipped and lonely as hell. Nothing to be done about it. I contacted an escort I met a few years ago pre-pandemic. I nearly went to see her which would have knocked me out of the running to get reinstated pretty much any time this year. So I am glad I didn't do it but it leaves me feeling really badly, because there will never be another chance to have that kind of fun for many years to come.
I am on vacation from work and I am finding that I have no motivation to do anything. Even the readily needed projects with a clear list of required actions are out of reach from a motivation standpoint. In the past I found that stressing out about it is useless. I want to dive into porn just to pass the time, but I'm high on anti-depressants and that takes the sex drive away. Also, it is messy and requires a lot of clean-up. I don't want that. And, oh by the way, God doesn't like it.
So now I am eating too much and ruining the weight loss regimen I had been on for the last few weeks.
I really some sexually explicit entertainment. But I just can't see myself doing that. It is so bad. I cannot stand this, but there is no way out. I am looking for TV to watch but all the shows are so stupid. I hate the spiritistic, horror and similar dramas. Comedies are usually completely stupid. So there is basically nothing worth watching. It leaves me totally bored.
I started leaving a JW Broadcast droning in the background as I write this. I know it is good for me but it is often depressing to listen to. I am constantly reminded of my mistakes and the mistakes of my folks that led to stupidity on my part.
Of course, when my own kid rails against my mistakes I realize that blaming my folks is just, again, stupid.
I should read, but I am too lazy to do that.
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