To the Back of the Line with You

 

So I screwed up again. Big time.  I got some action with a gal from a web site.  It wasn't a very good lay but the gal was super gorgeous.  

Of course, I feel awful, but then again I am acting like, well I screwed up, might as well wallow in this mire for a bit.  It can't get much worse than this.  Oh but it can.  All sorts of trouble may ensue.  

I am worried that I caught something from that woman.  She kept her hands placed at the crease of her legs next to her genitals.  I wonder if she was covering evidence of disease.  

The sex was weird.  She required very little foreplay.  She came quickly.  Then she tried as hard as she could go get me off with oral.  But the action was so obvious and rushed I stopped it.  We copulated again until I came but it wasn't much fun.  She has a great body but I spent most of the time trying to figure her out.  

She also had this thing where she wanted the room to be dark.  When she showered after, she wanted the bathroom dark as well.  That is why I think there was something she is hiding.  I suppose it could be a tattoo, but that doesn't seem reasonable to me.

So now I am following up with a mad search for some better poon.  But all the sites have the same problem.  No one wants to be with an ugly old black fat man like me.  Of course, it is not a problem with the sites, or with the women on the site.  It is my problem that I have failed to fix.

These days I am beating the web site looking for similar encounters.  But the same problem exists, I just get used to the constant rejection.  

I want to turn around and try to get back in the good graces of God, but I feel so guilty I don't pray much anymore.  Not even for meals.  

* Break *

So it has been a little over a week since my gross indiscretion.  I prayed once or twice now.  I still feel badly when I do.  I have a lot of trouble facing God now.  

I found the encounter with this woman strange as mentioned earlier.  I scheduled some time to discuss the encounter with her this evening.

*Break*

So I did talk with this woman.  It went well.  I was more nervous than I would have liked to have been.  She was concerned herself about how this meeting was going to go.  She thought our first meeting was "rough" to use her word.  I didn't perceive it as such but that sentiment registered strongly with her.  

She indicated that she wanted it to be dark during the sex because she doesn't like to be the object of leering.  She said she wanted it dark when she showered because she just likes it dark generally speaking.  I find that explanation difficult to swallow but I'll let it go for now.  

I didn't ask what she was hiding when she kept her hands on either side of her vulva when I was eating her out.  I had covered a lot of ground and didn't want to press further.

When I talked about how fast the session went, she indicated that she thought that is what I wanted.  I can understand that a lot of guys would like that kind of hard pounding quick action.  I indicated that my preference is for my partner to be the first to climax once or twice before I took my turn.  

But all this comes with the knowledge that this is totally wrong from God's standpoint.  He hates that I am doing this and even that I am thinking about it.  

* Break *

So the Memorial is coming up next week.  Another DF memorial.  Shit.  I really thought I'd be over this by now.  Oh well. I have to wait until at least July to try again.  That satisfies the "several months" clause in the Organization book.  It may not be "a year or more" but the listing of multiple options indicates to me that it is not too soon to at least ask.  As much as I don't want to, I am drawn to a Sugar Baby I met earlier.  The same one I penetrated.  I really like her, as far as one can know that at this point.  I want to visit again but I'll try to avoid the sex.  I really need someone to talk to.  And I have no one but God now.  He should be enough for me, but I am just stupid.  

* Break *

I contacted the SB again this week.  She agreed to meet on Saturday but then later asked me to "help her with her tuition."  I said that we could work something out and suggested we arrange to talk sooner or later.  She didn't respond to that at all and I finally lost patience and told her (in a nice way) that this just isn't working out.  She never responded to that so it seems quite clear that she wasn't interested in continuing the engagement. 

Of course this leaves me feeling good about saving money, feeling like shit for the inability to seem the least bit desirable to women.

* Next Day *

I felt like shit all last night.  I haven't exercised in a couple of weeks.  Memorial is coming up and I know I want to go.  I just have this feeling like I won't make it.  I started taking a depression drug Aripiprazole.  It makes me really sleepy, but I feel so badly, I am willing to put up with that.  All I do is read Science Fiction novels and watch you-tube videos.

I have a meeting tonight, the old KMS&SM.  I never want to go and almost never even attend virtually.  I plan to try and go physically.  I doubt if I will make it.  I just feel like I am scraping the bottom again.  I can't seem to pull up.

* Next Day *

So I did attend the meeting virtually.  I did not go physically.  Amazingly I paid attention for the most part throughout the sessions.

I'm still not exercising but I did manage to take a shower today.  

I started doing some laundry on Friday.  I did that today along with some grocery shopping.  Maybe going to meetings helps with depression.  

*** Long Break ***

It's near the end of May now.  Amazingly I have been reading the text, the Wt article and reading a chapter or two from the bible for the last 2 weeks or so.  I don't know how much longer this is going to keep up.  But I hope I can make it a long term habit.  God knows how much I need this to happen.  I try to remember to pray after the study session but I often forget, like today.  

I haven't kicked porn yet, but if I can hold out for another 4 months (Until September) I plan to make another plea for rejoining the congregation.  I think I won't make it.  I am so tempted to screw up all the time that it just doesn't seem likely.  Maybe God will take pity.  I think he will if I can keep up the prayer.  I don't think I can do that though.  In any case I intend to keep trying.  

I've been thinking lately that I might as well go ahead and try to submit a plea sooner, but that seems like it will be DoA given the recent screw up.  I can remember them saying that it is "not based on time."  but I don't believe that.  It is not what the Organization book says so I feel I have good basis for retaining my earlier view.  The same as was stated in the same book:  Several months, a year or more.  I figure 6 months qualifies as several months so I plan to just wait it out.  

All that aside, I still can't seem to get my very self to the Thursday night meeting.  I feel so exhausted after work, even if I am working from home.  This habit of going to bed at 5:00 PM, waking up at midnight for a couple hours and then waking up finally between 3:00 - 5:00 AM is just nuts.  I have to figure out how to stop doing that.