Back

Well I wouldn't be surprised if a strange reader were to conclude I had done myself in.  It has been a long time since any new post.  Unfortunately (or fortunately depending on your perspective regarding my existence) my situation is little changed.

I am still sitting outside my congregation looking in on how much fun people are having inside the church.  But I myself keep doing things that keep me on the periphery.  My job is ending, that seems like a really bad thing.  However I think that God may be giving me a helping hand by dumping me off the bandwagon that is  my current employer.  In some ways it seems like a circus parade.  But, when you work for the circus, it is your livelihood.

My son, who currently lives in sin with his current bitch is finally (again) planning to leave her.  She is no match for him and the cliche "I don't know what he sees in her" is abundantly apropos.

My place is a mess, I spent my holidays ironing shirts.  (What!!??) Yes, you read correctly.  For cryin' out loud.  I'm such a freaking mess.

I did up my monthly gift to the church to 6 c-notes a month.  That and the 2 c-notes to help my uncle is probably the best use of the money I have coming in.  I still employ escorts occasionally but just for dinner and lunchtime company.  One I met named Syd tugs mightily at my heart.  Tall, beautiful in spite of her age, gentle and with a warm heart.  She is intelligent and very kind.  I can't see her anymore.  I know I would continue to fall in love if I did so.  I hope God shows her his will for people today.

When I visited my brother he told me of another guy I just barely knew when I was a kid.  The guy grew up and focused on doing God's will in his life.  But his mother was poor.  She is dead and gone and he is poor today.  But he is strong in the church.  I sort of wish I could trade places.  Anyway, his computer broke a while ago so he can't access a lot of the media the church now distributes therewith.  I think about the money I spend on escorts and for just one visit I could get him a really nice machine to use.  How can I justify the continued spending.

Of course I came home from my visit and after a couple of days I tried to make another appointment with an escort.  Thankfully she hasn't responded.  It's been long enough that I can feign schedule change if she does ever get back to me.  (I don't think she will.)

It's the loneliness.  I really want someone of similar intellectual capacity to talk to.  Actually I want a woman to talk to.  But, I suppose that's just a long way of saying that things haven't changed much.

My son decided that he wants to go to another congregation.  So I go to the meetings with him there.  That's good since I had completely stopped going to my own congregation.  I'v been to the congregation now 6 or 7 weeks in a row. Almost all the time (and definitely for the last 4 times, my son comes with me.      I hope it continues to work out but then I think about the last 40 years of my life and I realize that it probably won't.  I haven't given up but I am not succeeding either.

Did I mention I am loosing my job?  My new manager thinks I am expendable.  It should be a good thing but I feel stuck to this damn company.  It is like I just can't fathom to leave.  I have to though.  I need to get out of here, this place is a death trap.  I've watched the company shrink to half its former size.  The new parent company still has a straw stuck in this company's jugular and is sucking with nearly the force of a full vacuum in an effort to extract more cash.  All the while flogging middle management and providing niggardly wage increases.

I just can't imagine what it must be like to work for a successful company.  One where you aren't constantly worried about job loss and you can reasonably expect a raise of 3% or more most years.  Seems like a pipe dream to me now.


O yes and I still despise myself with deep and abiding passion.  I still clutch my head ramdomly during the day as I think of some incredibly stupid thing I did a few decades, months, years, days or hours ago.  I just can't fathom a pleasant life anymore.  Being accepted in a crowd of people who see me as a real and acceptable associate, one they would like to get to know,  well that just seems to be beyond hope.  I'll always be an outcast.  At least until I die.  Life is so discouraging.   It sucks the go juice right out of me.  I so very abhor what I have grown up to become.  And I am deeply ashamed of myself.

No wonder my son is so messed up  .  .  .  I suppose I'd turn my back on myself if I were my own son.

Reprimanded, Scorned As the One Who's Bad

So for the second time in as many months I've been censured again.  Since the issues I engaged in were not public, they won't make any announcement.

I feel like a bullet just went whizzing by my head.  However in actual fact any of the punishments available to God would have been appropriate if God was in agreement with its application.  So I didn't want to get the boot, but I was prepared to accept it.  I think so anyway; who knows how I would have taken the news.

So they say I have to start going out in FS.  They actually set a date for the next meeting.  I think if I do all the things they want, 1) improved study 2) keep coming to meetings 3) FS and of course 4) Prayer (without which the first 3 could not be sustained) then I'd get the duct tape ripped from my mouth.

I suppose at some point later, the banishment from the MS would go away as well, then finally this 10 (or so) years of punishment would be over.

So for now I feel better.  I think God has finally forgiven me for my crimes against him.  I'm just left with the stinking fetid situation that all that sinning has left me with, but if I put God's will first in my life, I can deal with it with God's help.

I still hate my life and the mess I've made of it.  However I'm glad God was willing to forgive me.  I suppose for now, I should be thankful for that and working hard to continue repairing my relationship with Him.

Am I able to do that though?  I have been "trying" for some time now, years in fact.  Of course I put it in quotation marks because while there has been some effort, it isn't like I was digging in soft earth where I knew there to be a million USD buried that would be lawfully mind if found within the next 10 minutes.  Nope, I'd be digging a lot harder than I am working to get myself back into good standing.  (Good standing means that you are not on judicial restrictions.  Basically where I am now means that I couldn't even work on building a new KHall.)

I know I need to pray more.  Heretofore I haven't managed to make myself pray like I need to.  I don't know if it is related to last night's judgment but it seems easier to pray now.  Well now that it's easier I should try to take advantage of it since I know I haven't done so lately.  Hardly at all.

Looking back at the escorts, I have to just not look  back there.  I should pray for help to not look back.  If I do I'll cave.  No question there.  Honestly the world looks bleak.  No entertainment, no fun, no association.  I suppose it would be good to go out in FS and get that positive feeling again.   The association would come back related to the amount of FS I'm doing.  It's hard to see myself happily associating with people who ignored me years earlier.  But that's a matter of forgiveness IF they really did something wrong.  Knowing who I was and where I was spiritually, I'd advise many against associating with who I was back then.  In any case that's not a situation I need to fix.

It's going to be a very unpleasant ride back to spiritual activity.  A lot of:  "I have to do this no matter how much it hurts" moments are in the near future.  Oh well, I have to do this if I am going to survive so it might as well be now.  Doing myself in would be easier.  After all, "Seasons don't fear the Reaper" right?  But that kind of thinking would probably land me in a lake of fire from which there is no resurrection.  Besides, the only think I may have possibly done right is raise a kid.  While the jury is still out on that, I really like doing so and I know I won't be able to do with that option (as much as one can know these things.)

Thursday

I am seriously behind on my work due to the vacation day and a half.

I feel like I got a boost from all the counsel from the deacons.  That's a real plus.

There is just so much that needs to be taken care of.  Maybe God will help me now that my sins have been forgiven.

Friday

I'm kind of numb.  Work is very busy.  The meds make me jumpy like they did before.  Jittery sort of.  My hands shake when I am trying to keep still.  My voice is wavey like I am really nervous even when I'm not.  Oh well, It's still better than being in the bottom of a well.

Goin' to my shrink this afternoon.  I was tellin' her I'm gonna break bad a session or 2 ago.  Now that I have a reprieve,  I'm not gonna do that.  I continue to have an easier time praying.  I was really having a lot of trouble doing so before.

Life is still unpleasant.  I feel alone most of the time.  People haven't changed.  I don't fit in anywhere, work, church are both dismissive of me as an individual.  Of course it's worse at church.  I still have my ups and downs but generally speaking the trend is no longer down.  I should be thankful for that.  The deacons were really helped.  I'm just going to have to wait for changes I made to ripple through my life.  I imagine it will be 6 months before I perceive any difference.

I'm going on PTO next week.  I haven't made ANY plans for what to do with my time.  I suppose I had a mild notion of doing some filing and working on the house in Martinsville.  I still feel like a zero.  I can't seem to do anything other than what someone standing over me is telling me to do.  I'm such a sh*t.

Written around April 2015 published much later.

Monday AM

Today finds me still waiting for word of my punishment.  One of the deacons on the committee is out of town so I won't hear anything until he gets back.  I'm not sure when this will be but likely a day or two at the most.  I think a lot about ess eee cross but once the depression meds get here, I shouldn't have that problem any more.  I am looking forward to that.

I don't know if I will keep looking to make a date with the escort again.  I cancelled them both earlier.  I know I still need some kind of companionship.  They have this snuggle/cuddle service now but precious few people are available for that kind of engagement.  Obviously I can't spend the night with them but dinner and a movie would now be a lot cheaper: 80 dol/hr rather than 500 dol / hr.

So regarding my case, I remembered that I took a bath once and showered once with this df'd person.  I don't know if this makes any difference or not.  And if I remember something else, I suppose I'll have to go through this process again.  So even IF they decide not to kick me out for spending the night so many times, I have at least these two issues to discuss and I don't know how many other things I did that could be considered a df'ing offence.  I suppose if I remember any other df'ing issues, I'll have to go through this again.  I suppose the big issue is I thought ess eee cross was needed to kick someone out and I never imagined that spending the night was "loose conduct" (that's one of the things you can get kicked out for if you do it multiple times.)  In spite of that there is nothing I am continuing to practice so it may still go OK for me.  But given that there are so many and varied instances of trouble, I think my goose is cooked.  I already told my kid I'd probably be df'd.  I actually think that I will although I hope I don't.  I don't want to be kicked out, I just think that's what's going to happen.  I think God sees the need for me to be punished this way to get myself in gear and motivated to do His will.  I think maybe df'ing would do that.  However it would also give me the sense of freedom and the thought that I can finally have ess eee cross without consequence.  I think that would be disasterous.  I think I am at a point right now that the only path back to God that I will follow, is to get df'd and then to be good, and stay focused on getting reinstated until I get back in.  During that time I'd have to prepare for FS.  On letting me back in I'd have to immediately start back in FS until the restrictions are lifted and beyond.

This is not what I want to happen.  I want it just to be that I am reproved yet again, and then I do the same thing.  I just don't think that would happen.  I am growing accustomed to being reproved.  I still don't want to get df'd since I really believe that I will handle that badly.  The temptation would be too much to go the wrong way with it.  Still, if I had to choose, I would say no, I don't want to be df'd.  Of course it's not my choice, it's God's.

And Yet Again

I have faced this question so many times and I always answer it the same way.  I shouldn't but I want to and I may do it anyway.  I need to decide what to do and stick to that.  Put that way it is pretty easy:  I shouldn't so I won't.  There DONE.

(but the heart says:  done for now)

Tuesday

I guess my Monday post was lost.  Humph, whatever. Anyway anyone bored enough to have read the earlier posts from last month would be able to write it for me.  Heart is winning.  I am hoping to hear from Elly late this morning.  I found another target Emily Grand.  Another very expensive escort.  Of course the heart is interested.

Wednesday

So Elly did write me back though not until the afternoon.  Not that it matters really.  My previous experience was typically a late morning response if there was one to be had.  So I lamented loosing her interest.  She did reply.  I hadn't been clear enough in saying that I'm willing to provide the verification information she needed, just not before I can lay eyes on her.  I sent a clarification and hopefully she will respond.  Of course this is after I made arrangements for a 4 hour visit from Linda.  And made arrangements to spend a night in DC on the day she (Linda) visits.

Wednesday

I am just going down the wrong path.  I'll just do the thing and keep my hands to myself.  Thinking about going to Adams Morgan but I need to check the place out first.  That would be a good end if the crowd is right.

Emile contacted me and I got all that arranged.  1 or 2 hours next week on Wednesday.  This is a relatively easy public screening and Info exchange.  I don't know what to expect from her.  I anticipate that she's the kind of person who is way out of my league.  Honestly they all are.  I want to fill that urge though, for female association, as long as it doesn't get messy.  Given time it will.  I just need to start praying hard, and keep doing so, well, forever.

This behavior has to stop soon or I will go headlong over the cliff.  Oh and a Committee meeting coming up.  What!!??  You are such an arrowhead mark.  I read a chapter today (my sacrifice)  Of course, to obey is better than to sacrifice.  I am such an idiot.

So, I am hoping against hope that I will pop out on the other side of next week and the following week not having been df'd by the impending committee, or earn a df'ing as a result of meeting with Elly or Linda.  I see it as unlikely, but mostly because I think the committee will df me for past sins.  There is practically no immediate risk regarding Elly, but huge risk with Linda.  A four hour engagement usually means more than dinner.  I'd need to figure out how to fill that time.  Again the culturally rich Adams Morgan comes to mind but it is "gritty" as was described in a review.  I don't think I want to go there after a nice dinner.

I think if I get a couple bottles of wine/spirits we could just tie one on at the hotel.

Thursday

So thinking about things all night.  Had the usual ess eee cross dreams that come along 2 or 3 times a year.  This time I was in a room with several beautiful but unclothed people resting.  I was on several others but everyone was comfortable.  I was thinking about the effect of pending arousal.

I know this is all a bad idea, but I think that if I have lots to talk about I may keep the conversation going and enjoyable.  So I'll prepare for that.  Bing search:  questions to ask speed dating.  That yields good results.  I need to capture and memorize several of such questions.  As well as try to boost my own self confidence. Working out and reading will help that.

Friday

The expulsion hearing is now only one day away.  I watched nrop last night, fist major breach where I can't rationalize the activity away as "incidental contact" or "brief lapse."  I didn't watch videos and certainly not the stuff I nearly got df'd for before.  However it was a serious breach.  Also I didn't mention the video chat stuff before.  I suppose that could be lumped under the same heading as nrop but I've felt particularly bad about that b/c it was so personal and I had to pay money as part of a small group. of 20 other guys throwing money at the "performer."  I suppose some could recon that this is "pornea" since I paid money for sex, but that is like paying for porn in some sense.  It seemed worse to me since it was a much smaller group.  Would that make me less reprehensible it were part of a larger group?  From God's standpoint I don't think so.  I'm still making a bad choice, I just feel worse about it since it is a smaller group.

I am also keyed up b/c of the appointments I made.  Not as much the one with Elly.  But the one with Linda is fraught with danger since I made it a 4 hour engagement.  Traditionally in such situations the first 2 hours are dinner and the last two are for ess eee cross.

Wednesday

The expulsion hearing came and went.  They talked a lot about the sleeping over thing which I didn't understand at first.  They told me that such is considered loose conduct (shockingly bad behavior.)  With that moniker, they can kick me out if they want to.  I think the rules may be that they have to do so in these instances.  It may indeed be in this instance since I can 't say it was only once or twice.  Well they got to the end of the meeting and hadn't decided what they are going to do with me.  I was thinking at first that they couldn't come to a consensus so they were going to look up some additional information and talk further.  Then I thought that maybe they needed to talk to the deacons in another congregation to see what information they had.  Bottom line, I don't know why they didn't decide what to do.

So today I got a call saying can we meet tomorrow (Thursday) night (presumably for them to tell me if they are going to kick me out or not.)  The voice on the phone was dark.  I think I am on the "out" list and that is what they are going to tell me tomorrow.  I really don't know, but that's my gut feeling.

Anyway, I had talked with them about the rental dates.  I didn't say that I had made 2 new rental dates, and I certainly didn't say that the folks I am working with are escorts since I didn't intend to take advantage of those services nor have I ever.  The rent-a-date moniker is an accurate description of what I was doing.  Any way they said, that its not something we'll kick you out for but really, from God's standpoint, is this wise?  I knew it wasn't.

Earlier this week, sunday or monday I cancelled both of the meetings I set up.  I imagined that perhaps God would use this as a judgement of whether or not he would kick me out.  Of course I just don't know for sure.  I did make sure to indicate to the providers that I was really sorry that I couldn't make it so that if I wanted to schedule some time in the future I wouldn't be in the doghouse with either of them.  I wonder if God was using this as a yardstick how impactful that was.  It could have resulted in Him deciding that I'm out of the congregation for now.  Maybe it has absolutely nothing to do with the decision in this case.  However I know that visiting with a non-witness is bad all around.

Again, I am wondering:  If they do kick me out, what am I going to do?  Will I go nuts?  Will I be good having been shocked by this severe punishment and just quietly live my life talking only to store clerks over the weekend?

Will Armageddon come and, I die on the "plains of Moab?".  Cr*p, I used to think these things don't affect me but I'll be damned if they don't.  My head is in a really bad place right now.  High stress situation.  The thing about God's justice is that it isn't blind.  God doesn't like white people more than blacks,  He isn't partial to asians of any complexion.  He doesn't prefer blonds and physical attributes, while they certainly would affect my judgment, doesn't affect God's fair exercise of mercy.  Its the heart (usually revealed by our actions) that God looks at.  There is no fooling him.  We might fool men but we'll never fool God.

I guess I am deeply ashamed of coming so close regardless of their decision.  I am a shameful person.  I have wasted my life in pursuit of things I have no business having.  I've been selfish and I've lied to God.  I promised to give my devotion to him, but I haven't done so in real life.  I have really just need to bow my head and pray for a couple of hours.  But I probably won't do so for 2 seconds.  I am finding that I am actively avoiding prayer now.  How bad is that?  Maybe God is right now helping me to see why he is going to kick me out.  I am so, not deserving of his mercy, as far as I can tell.  I know I would have given up on me if I was an "employer" charged with staffing God's organization and someone like me was on my team.

I see my faults and shortcomings and they are so overwhelming.  Especially when I consider that I can't even seem anywhere near all of them.  Its not like I am broken, it is like I am shattered into pieces so small, it defies imagination that I could ever be reassembled into something useful.  I want to crawl under a rock and die.  Not literaly, but it begins to express the hurt, pain and frustration I feel.  The emptiness and dejection that comes knowing that my life is in vain.  And for what?  sitting here owing a half million to the IRS and no money to buy a car if I needed one.  No retirement savings.

I suppose it's one thing if you make it big in Satan's world.  You can imagine yourself to be above God's people and look down your noses at them.  There are plenty of others around that will help tell you just how very great you are and how right you are.  And of course a very high income buys the trappings of this world that are o, so nice.  The craftsmanship of a fine automobile and the exclusivity of a high-rise condo even here in the lowly town of Alexandria,  It really is enough to make you forget about what you left behind in God's organization.

But I don't have any of that.  I live from day to day knowing just how much God offers and how little Satan's world means in the grand scheme.  And yet I am paralyzed with indecision.  Of course that's fine by Satan.  Paralysis is totally OK with him as long as I am paralyzed outside God's organization which is where I believe I will shortly find myself.   Well I have less than 24 hours until I find out.  There is always this wait.  Why is that??  It doesn't seem like it is commensurate with the effort I have put forth.  I remember in the old days, you just had to be a pretty good guy and you got promoted to MS and then Deacon.  Now that gets you the job of carrying microphones and reading aloud.  Good for he organization I say.  Ever increasing standards is the way to continued success.  Bad for me though since it makes my stagnation just so very obvious.

How did I get here?  Where did I go so very wrong.  If I decided to go to Bethel instead of College, would that have "saved" me or would the defects in my personality just come out at some other time? If they did, would they have resulted in the same misery, less, more?  So here I sit, ready to go down for the next year, isolated from the congregation and from my family. Enduring the isolation in my work environment.  Will I go crazy?  Will I find friends on Match or snugglebunnies?  Will do speed dating or continue using escorts?  Would I be good and wait for the sanctions to be lifted?  I have no idea.  Well, actually I do and it brings me shame to think of it.  So it isn't hard, dear reader, for you to understand my most likely option:  select the worst from the above and make it a couple of 4 or 5 steps worse than that:  then you'd be close to the level at which you could drill down to the depths at which I could easily find myself.

This is a bad day.  There seems to be nothing I can do to make it better.  And God says that it is possible, which makes this all the more frustrating.  If God says I can succeed and be happy then it really is possible.  And so when I find myself in this situation, I have to know that, primarily, this is all my fault.  I've done this to myself through my actions and inaction.  I have crawed down to this state.  I have pointed the gun at vital organs and have pulled the trigger.

Will I live to tell the story to my kids in the new system?  Honestly, It's doubtful.  It's really very doubtful.  I felt like maybe I had crawled back to 50/50 chance. But after these meetings recently and the fact that I still can't seem to stay awake in meetings, I just think that I'm so far away from being a good servant, and I'm not moving nearly fast enough to get there.  It is like the tide is going out and I'm swimming to shore at half the rate at which the tide is receding.  And I'm getting really tired.  And I won't pray about it.  Really, what are my chances?  Slim, None?

So wanna know the latest?  Well I was listening to an old vmail message.  They will know sometime next week.  Monday or Tuesday evening before I'll know what they are thinking.  I guess it is positive since that sullen tone is not necessarily indicative of their current thinking.  So maybe there's hope, then again, maybe not.

Rewind, Again!

Here the frack we go again.  Talked to the deacons last night and told both of them about the issue with dc.  Spending the night and almost having ess eee cross.  I think, actually I am almost sure there will be another committee set up to deal with this.  "Deal with this" means they will again, for the third time, ask all kinds of questions about what happened.  They will hear the same answers I gave them before then they will decide if I get df'd or publicly/privately reproved and what the punishment will be.

Will the cycle never end?  Actually I spent some time trying to think of other things I did wrong in a serious way, and that's all I can think about that I haven't already confessed.  Of course the choice with the escort is still out there.  I still want to do it but am being held up by the cost and the wrongness of it.  I think I will hold off until I hear what the judgement is from this most recent case and then decide what to do.  I think I am going to see her. I just need some kind of companionship now.  I can also look in on Speed Dating this weekend.

They didn't hardly lift an eyebrow when I mentioned the Rent-A-Date (as I described it to them) before.  So I am thinking this is't a big deal and I don't need to "confess" if I do this again.  I'm thinking this will be the last time I see Linda.  I'll probably sample Ellen but I don't think I'll make a habit of her.  Lilly is the one I am waiting for and hope she returns to the East Coast.  I don't think I could get enough of her if she did.  This is bad though.  I really shouldn't but if you've ready any of my recent posts, you won't want to hear about that anymore.  I just want one more dinner with Linda and give her the gift.  I doubt I'll come across any 34D's in my ordinary life, and if I did, I'd be happy to buy  new if I could still afford it then.

The heart wants what the heart wants, doesn't it?

Thursday (the next day)

So I've given in on the notion of whether or not I will visit an escort; the answer is yes.  I've moved on to who and how many.  I have a gift for Linda, so I will see her.  I just want to see Elly, so I will see her as well even though she is so young.  Oh and I plan to do the speed dating thing also.  Why don't I take a flying leap off a really tall bridge into the ocean?  That would be a less painful way to die!

I won't do that of course.  In a request for pleasure I will place myself in a dragon's mouth and hope that I have the strength and stamina to avoid being chewed and swallowed.  Of course I suppose the chewing is optional.   You know the next line by now right?  Yes:  How stupid is that!

So the memorial is tomorrow.  I haven't done the reading.  I don't even know what time it is supposed to start.  I'm not going to wear a suit like I usually do.  I just don't feel qualified to do so.  I know nobody cares and there is no "Dress Code"  I just feel like a fake, a poser when I put on a suit and go to the hall.  That's why I never wear one.  What's the point I wonder.  God is far more interested in me being prepared spiritually than dressed like a deacon would dress.

I always feel like an outsider.  I have come to realize that I truly am an outsider.  I don't want to talk about spiritual things.  I don't want to hear someone espousing their faith or their experiences in FS.  But that is what people want to talk about.  They only know to ask me about work since that dominates my life.  Only a few know that.  Most just treat me like I am invisible.  The women have all heard, thanks to my son, that I am lonely.  They come up and try to talk to me like a child.  I really don't want to talk to them.  The will never be my friend, not in this life.  Possibly in the one to come but it doesn't look like I am going to make it there.  Especially since I am so very interested in certain other women.

Ranting for Days

So, I'm posting a lot right now.  Don't know why, nothing earth shattering going on.  I worked out for the first time in 7 days today.  I had to slow way down at one point during the resistance training b/c I was feeling so tired I was almost nauseous.  But I finished up and went on to the final endurance training.  I went 53 minutes.  Total calorie burn across both endurance training sessions was over 1000.  That's my goal.

Actually I have been feeling lousy all day long.  It's 2;00 PM and I just got some lunch.  I didn't eat much at all yesterday and I am hoping it is just hunger.  I'm eating a sandwich now hoping I'll feel better.  Of course I am still turning over the escort thing in my mind.  One gauge of how well money is spent is when you think about the experience, do you regret spending the money.  That has yet to happen.  Of course that makes me want to spend more money on escorts. The other thing is since I know Linda, I want to see her again.  And since I want to get to know Elly I want to do that before there is a price increase.  Maybe I should do both!

Well the sandwich went down well and I do feel better.  I think maybe it was really just that I had run out of the juice from the food I was eating earlier.  I need to really consider what my diet should be.  I try to eat as little as possible but I am apparently overdoing it.  The work out felt good otherwise though.  I am hoping I can get my butt back into a regular routine.  I got up super early today so I will be exhausted after the meeting and getting home late doesn't help.

Well my heart is reaching the tipping point.  I am just about to be overcome by my foolish reasoning.  I'm about to schedule time with both of them.  Not just yet, but if I peruse there sites just one more time then I may be ready.  There's also speed dating that I'd like to consider.  Not sure how that would work out.

Wednesday

So I didn't visit the site but my heart is working overtime on my mind.  I think it will get the upper hand, honestly.  It's not like I intend to have intercourse with either woman.  I think about them as individuals.  (I suppose that's part of the fantasy.)  Linda because I already know her and Elly because she is local and more accessible.  Also that I (hopefully) get grandfathered in at the lower rate.  Bad Idea, Makes no sense.  But that's what happens when the heart takes over.  I guess I'm the one with hooks in my jaws and I know who's on the other end of that line.  How could I be so stupid.  like they say, the heart wants what the heart wants.

Thursday

So here I am again.  what's up with this?  So the daily scripture I read this AM hit hard at me.  It was talking about the lures that Satan uses to entrap God's people.  It said the lures look appealing but there is always a hook in them.  Reminded me of my the paragraph I wrote yesterday.  I just can't seem to deal with this.  This gives me serious pause.  Of course the heart is now scheming to overcome this objection.  For right now the mind is winning.  What i am doing is playing with fire.  I will get burned.  I recall how silly I was when I was in school.  Thinking I was not going to suffer for doing what I  wanted to do rather than doing what God instructed me to do.  I have suffered and paid for those mistakes for years after.  I think the same thing might happen here.  I don't feel the hear from the fire yet.  It just looks like an attractive thing.  Shiny and beautiful.  Of course I can actually see the hook, it just looks soooooo good.  (That was the heart talking.)

Oh well.  The one convenient thing is that I strongly tend toward inaction.  I can't get in trouble if I don't respond, and that takes action.  I think of the money.  That also helps me get in the right mind set.  I need to dump assets.  What a mess I have gotten myself into.  Maybe if I go out with an escort or two, that will clear my head and I will be better able to get my self in line.  (Yes, I am sure I fell for that reasoning on many prior occasions.  Let's hope and pray that I won't do so again.)

Ok, well between the last paragraph and this one I snuck (sneaked?) off on another browser tab to find the measurements of Linda, my most recent escort.  I was thinking of buying a gift for her.  Of course if I did that then I would just have to see her, to give her the gift, of course.  Silly man.  Cunning heart.  I told you it was good at getting what it wants.  The mind needs to be stronger.

On a good note I worked out again today, for the 3rd time in as many days.  Sounds good until you understand that is also the 3rd time in 10 days.  Oh well, be happy for the small successes.  I was jamming nuts in my mouth on the way to the Gym.  I wanted to stave off that desperate feeling when the blood sugar gets so very low as had happened the day before.  Man that felt bad.  So I bought nuts and a salad and a couple of apples.  That really made a difference.

Oh well I gg.  Bye for now.

Friday

OK, so here's the latest.  My kid comes stumbling in at 3:00 AM and he's been out drinking with his buddies in JAX.   They are a bad influence of course, but I couldn't get mad 'cause I'm thinking about doing the same thing.  So we talked a little bit and I told her what she did was a mistake, but that I make mistakes too.  So I walked away from that conversation with the notion that, yea, the mind's going to win this round.

So I get at work and  a new AP advert comes in my email.  Start looking and lo and behold I'm buying the nickers to finish out a set that I had bought for my current favorite escort.  Now who's winning?

Monday

So I had my study with the Deacon.  I mentioned that I have done a lot of bad things.  He starts asking questions, I answer (what good does it do to hide) and now I am in the sh*t again.  Another committee probably.  They are supposed to talk to me on Tuesday evening to see if they need to form a committee.  And here we go again.  That just sapped my strength on Sunday PM.  Nothing left after that.  So again, I could get the boot.  Like before I simply have no idea how the deacons are going to react to this.  They could say, that's it! If we had known about this we would have df'd him a couple of months ago.  On the other hand they may see this as another issue that has to be judged separately.   Fortunately I didn't actually commit fornication, I just got close to it.  They seem to think that staying overnight is a big deal.  Like a really big deal.  So since I did that several times, I could see it being enough (in combination with the near ess eee cross) to give me the boot.

Of course, like before I hope it doesn't come to that.  It just seems like I am so close to the edge lately.  Now I am on this precipice again and I think I might go over this time.  Last time I thought I had a 55% chance of not getting the boot.  Now I think the probability is 45%.  I think they are all going to get together and say, holy cow, what is it with this guy.

The same notions are spilling out of my mind again, well, what if I get df'd.  Would I start accepting additional services from the escorts?  Probably, but that would not be my best self.  I would want to do better.  Same as before.  So here I am waiting for the boot again.  Lovely place to be.  For cryin' out loud.  This is certainly the sh*t again.

Treacherous Heart

I have an appointment with my doctor this afternoon.   This is the psychiatrist who gets to give me drugs.  I'm using this stuff called Effexor(sp?) rather than the Zoloft generic.  She thought it might be more effective.  I am not happy with it.  It comes in a capsule that makes me just a tiny bit nauseous.  I figured it would go away after a while but it hasn't.  And it doesn't have the effect of suppressing my ess eee cross ual appetite.   I want that, I suppose I can deal without it, but why not get it if I can.

I continue to look at escorts wanting and wishing I could go out with someone.  It is simply not sustainable.  I still want it badly and I may just do it anyway.  I know I would if Lilly came to town.  I like the freedom to talk about anything I want without being judged for my proclivities.  Oh, and being out with a beautiful woman is its own reward.  Interestingly I am trying to put together a home theater system and the components are, of course expensive.  Some are about the same price as taking out an escort of the sort I employ.  Now I come face to face with the real cost of this activity as I shell out similar amounts for electronics.  I ask myself, is a date worth the price of a big screen TV?  Oh my goodness, how can someone not give pause to such a query.  Especially since i don't own a TV in this home.

Then i sit alone in the bathroom looking at images of my favorite escorts.  Reviewing their web pages that haven't changed in months hoping that there is some new little bit of information about them.  Looking for new escorts I'd be willing to go out with.  When I find one, I look up as much information as I can find about her.  Trying to get to know her from the internet.  Dreaming about going out with them.  But it always comes down to cost.  I am not a wealthy man.  My finances are a mess.  I hate what is happening here.  I need companionship, I don't fret over the money I spent on previous escorts.  And I so badly want to do it again.  Oh well.  what else am I going to do.

Its Friday.

The day begins again and again there are new excuses as to why I'm not going in to work out.  Crap.  One work out this week.  How pathetic.  Nothing to do but start fresh next week.  I have that thing for my cousin tomorrow.  Long trip, party with people I don't know.  Long trip home.  It won't be much fun, but it will be good experience in people interaction.

I have suddenly been thinking about sex a lot.  I don't know why and it is sudden.  Started this week and it is very typical visualizations.  Me with a beautiful woman.  Interesting because it rose so suddenly.  I am usually thinking about it one way or another all the time.  Come to think of it it started after I had worked out only 1 day in the last 5 days.  Interesting,  I don't work out and the thoughts of sex come back to flood the brain.  In other words, I if I don't want to be bothered with sexual thoughts, just work out daily.   Interesting discovery.

I will get some chemical help soon.  I'm going back to Zoloft.  It suppresses the appetite (sexual appetite.)  Dang, with that and working out (if I can get my *ss back to the gym) I should be ready for judgement day.  Just Kidding!  I have to fix the issue with fs first and then probably a bunch of things that I hardly know about.

Honestly, I feel like I am starting to come out of the Depression.  I hope I get back to normal but I am a long way from it.  I really miss having adult human association.  I miss adult human female romantic association.  Sometimes I feel like I just have to reach out and find a way to satisfy that need, hence the escorts.  The cost is simply unsustainable.  While I can come up with cash in that quantity, I need to spend it on a new roof, painting the house, cleaning the inside, and so on and so forth.

I feel sad now.  This weekend isn't my own.  I have to go with my brother to my cousin's place.  Yawn.  But I like him.  He is a really nice guy, I just don't know him hardly at all.

So I went to this retirement party, lo and behold it was great.  People were interesting to talk to and it was relatively easy for me to strike up a conversation.  There were about 50 people there and there were 2 bands, playing sequentially.  The food was good and such.

Monday

I kept largely to the driving schedule, but I faked out on the meeting on Sunday and my bible study that was supposed to happen after the meeting.  Another miss.  I am sure it was because I was watching some sexually explicit Showtime TV.  In other words I was raking fire into my chest. And surely I was burned.  I continue to think about renting another date.  I have decided on a person and am waiting for me to work up the courage (or stupidity) to make and keep an appointment. Her reviews are outstanding and price is lower than expected for such quality.

It is interesting to watch my heart struggle against my mind.  I know this is a bad idea bur my heart keeps me looking at her web site.  Eventually I will cave in to my heart's desire.  Sometimes I do and sometimes I don't.  I know that if Linda were to show up I would probably cave.  If Lilly showed up I would definitely cave.  The interesting thing is that I resist for the wrong reason.  I look at the cost and realize what I could buy with that money.  That's probably the biggest thing that blocks.  I will never have this kind of truly disposable income.  I don't remember what figure I gave before but I think it was somewhere around 30 million USD.  After tax and IRS and discounting for cashing out I'd probably be left with about 8 million.  Enough for 2 nice homes a vehicle and to live off the interest.  Then there would be a fair test of my loyalty.  Would I actually serve God in that situation?  Again, who knows?  Well God certainly knows, if he wants to.  I don't.  But I have to get better.  Study meetings prayer and service.  That's what it takes.  I only have meetings mostly under control.  Even prayer, the easiest one, is out of control.  Mostly I am not doing it.  *Sigh*  I hate this.  And what is left is this hole in my heart that going on a date with a beautiful woman would fill temporarily.  But at tremendous cost that I cannot afford.

Random Thoughts and Frustrations

I have an appointment with my psychologist this afternoon.  When I left him a couple of weeks ago I decide I was going to go straight after match and speed dating in spite of the fact that it is heavily discouraged by the church.  Not quite on pain of excommunication as are some of the other things I have contemplated and actually done.

Nonetheless, despite my intentions, I find (as indicated in the previous post) I can't do it.  I can't bring myself to go against that advice.  Even though I want to.  I just won't do it.  I don't know if it is rank laziness or respect for the church.  Either way it isn't happening.

So I was talking to my son and thinking that maybe we can make our own party, since no one wants to invite us to theirs.  We can invite people we want to meet and have snacks and watch a really good movie or TV from a dvd.  Maybe there could be some conversation afterward but anyway, there's something.  Of course we don't have a TV or audio system to make watching TV a meaningful event.  So we have started to remedy that situation.  The other thing is that we need to clean up and get organized.

Of course the other thing I was going to do  is call the Tax person.  No go on that either.  So, again, maybe now that the meds are running stronger I can fix that as well in coming weeks.  I think that a lot of the "feel better" factor is coming from the working-out that i've been doing.  It does make me feel better about myself.  I noticed for the first time last weekend that I felt like looking nicer than I usually do at church.  I actually wore a nicer jacket, one I hadn't used in a long time.

So what should I do in the coming weeks:

1. Call the tax man
2. Finish specifying the AV System
3. Start putting cr*p away to clean up the living and family room.
4. Properly store my camera stuff
5. Plan and execute a photography excursion
6. Plan my PTO coming up in June 27
7. Get my Bike ready to ride.  I'd like to work up to a full trail length ride.

I guess it's good that I am at least thinking of these things where as for a long time I couldn't seem to bring myself to do that.

So what am I going to talk about?

My failures to move
My medication success (working w/o Music)
Putting things on the shelf:

1. Dating Women

Trying again with the church
1. TV Night

Other plans
1. Tax
2. Family

Monday

The meeting with my Psychologist went well.  I talked about the fact that I'm not going to move forward with match and speed dating and that I have to try again with the congregation.  I mentioned TV night and trying to be more friendly at the khall.  She suggested I be aware of my facial state, not looking angry or mad, but open and kind.  I can remember driving to the hall trying to relax my face. But when I got there the tension of walking inside resulted in my totally forgetting about it.  I ended up talking  a lot with Chuck Gibson.  Nice guy and easy to talk to.  But he approached me rather than the other way around.

The kid and me went to the NSO and it rocked the house down.  Truly awesome concert.  They played Ravel's Bolero and it was one of the more impressive things I have heard in recent memory.  I think maybe Orff's "O Fortuna" topped it, but that's a special case.  We talked about doing some Ballet in April but I'll have to look that up and see what's available and, of course the price of the tickets.

Tuesday
And I didn't work out today.  I woke up on time but felt unusually tired.  So, after much hand wringing I decided not to.  It was a mistake of course.  I should have worked out.  Well, this is how the demise of any positive regimen starts.  Skip here, miss there and before long I will justify not going at all.

I'm frustrated.  My old nemesis is back now.  And I want ess eee cross again.  Trying to justify in my mind seeing an old or new escort.  As many times as I convince myself that I should not on so many levels, I keep coming back to the fact that it is the ONLY fun I have these days.  NOTHING else is enjoyable or satisfies like it.  Whatever though.  I can't do this.  It's too costly and dangerous.  Once I've won 20 MM USD then OK I'll see an escort regularly.

All Over the Place

I am just so damn tired of all this.  I know beyond reasonable doubt:

1. I'm not gonna do match.
2. I'm  not gonna do speed dating.


So the other possibilities are:

1. Will the drugs help me to do 1 or 2 above?  Hopefully the answer is no 'cause I shouldn't do either
2. Dancing
3. Taxes
4. House in Mvle  (Painting Doors Interior Cleaning Fix Windows, Fix Lawn, Fix Drainage in the front, blah  blah blah)

Oh yes and the 800# Gorilla in the room:  How the hell am I going to get my very self out in FS again?

Oh yea and don't forget the other stuff that goes along with it:  Study (meetings, personal, remedial, bible reading) Meetings (Sunday, Tuesday, assemblies, etc ) (check!)  Prayer (meals, distress, regular communication morning noon night) that go along with service.  It is just an impossible task list.  I'll die just trying to coax myself to start.

Of course with God all things are possible, though it seems apparent that he doesn't want this to happen, at least not right now.  No plans, No thoughts.  It's all just sh*t now.

Honestly I don't see any of these things happening in a reasonable time frame.  I can't fix this.

A few days later.

The pills are here, and I one of each yesterday and one of each this AM.  I really hope it helps.

I am really very sleepy this AM.  I'm not sure what kept me awake last night but I was not sleeping soundly most of last night.  I am doing that thing where I stair at the monitor and sitsleep.  I do have coffee and I had 3 (count 'em) 3 oranges for breakfast.  They were really OK but not the best I've had.

I attended an "Essentialist" course.  Interestingly JW's have been focusing on that kind-of for a while now.  Just get the needs.  He doesn't advocate asceticism, just the elimination of those things that are truly nonessential to your own goal.

He suggests that having an "off-site" with yourself can help you determine what your purpose in life is and  plan your way to get there.  He suggests 3 - 8 hours, or some such.  I think this is good advice.  I got his book; I ordered it yesterday and it came today.  I read the intro just a minute ago.  Seems like it will be a good read.  It turns out he collaborated on another book I liked:  Multipliers.

This is a great resource.  I just hope I can do something with it to actually make a difference in my life.

Anyway I've been taking the drugs for 3 days now.  No discernible difference other than the Wellbutrin making my hands shake a bit.  Drugs took 2 weeks to get here from the time I snail mailed the order.

Its the weekend now.

Still taking the drugs and little effect noted.  I did stop watching TV at noon today and as of 5:30 haven't turned it back on.  Maybe that is one effect.  Who really knows.  I'm sure I'll turn it back on before I go to bed.

This is a junky post.  I suppose I have really nothing to say.  It is just that I have put so much hope in the drugs and I want to report progress.  Truthfully, it is still early and I can't expect much given the way these drugs operate.  You have to take them over a long period of time for the drugs to build up in your system.

A week and a half into the drugs.  This week for the first time in a long time I was able to work the entire day without listening to music.  I don't sense any depression of the sex drive.  But who knows.

On Tuesday of this week a new problem cropped up.  I was absolutely exhausted after my work out and felt tired and sleepy all day.  So I didn't work out on Wednesday and eventually felt better.  Worked out again on Thursday (today) and I have felt sleepy all day long.  Of course I read up a little on what working out too hard does to you and guess what?   Being tired all the time is one of the symptoms.  I guess I need to take it easier.  I don't want to.  Maybe I'll just keep pushing myself until I can do all this.  Body will respond eventually.

Post Boot Decision

So here I am again, in the truth but struggling to stay in.  I am unhappy to still be here but very happy and glad at the same time.  I think that I just don't realize how bad it is if I was truly separated from God's organization.  It may feel like I have been separated (df'd) before but I really hadn't and I am sure it would feel a lot differently if I had.

I am really just frustrated now, I feel like the one outlet I had, going out with paid companions, has been removed as an option in my life.  It is really the only thing that I really looked forward to.  It was like a vacation that I would take twice a year.  It cost just as much shorter.  I still looked forward to it and remembered it fondly after it was over.  And, probably the most telling sign, I would go back for more in spite of the extreme cost:  more than 1K per event by the end.  I know that I would fail the test if Lilly came back to the states.  I think I had better try to not look at any information from her on line.  I don't think she would actually email me again.  I anticipate hearing from Kyra.  I feel like I might pass that test, but not by much (unless I start relying on God a whole lot more than I am right now.)

Work is painful, I cannot progress without music.  I am trying to make an appointment to see my psychiatrist to get more pills.  They really help me to focus but I have to make it through until next weekend.

I did work out 5 times this week.  That was probably the highlight of the year so far.  (Unless you can call getting Censured by my church again a highlight, which deserves merit as the alternative would have been a life altering experience.)  Familiar challenges return though.  Fatigue esp in the afternoon, tinnitus.  I continue to be disgusted with my mirror image when I am not clothed.  I must be much heavier than I have ever been.  I figure I will need a couple of years to get in shape.  I need to loose minimum 50 lbs and bulk up the upper body.  Once I have lost the fat, built bulk and endurance, I'll feel OK about joining a cycling club or something like that.


OK so a couple of days have past and I went to the meeting last night.  Typical, extremely boring and I was totally uninterested.  But I am sick and dying (spiritually.)  The food I need doesn't taste good but what else can I do but just keep showing up for the meetings and trying to gulp it down.  My work out routine has replaced my study time and I need to find a way to put the study back in my schedule. I haven't found that studying helps me enjoy the meeting during the time where I cannot comment.  Anyway last night I my kid decided he wanted to talk after the meeting.  I have learned to simply not discourage that if that is what he wants to do.  It was cold out so I didn't want to stand outside.  I ended up sitting at my seat for a half hour waiting for her to finish.  I finally just pulled out my tablet, checked my email, looked at other stuff and was getting ready to start blogging.  I don't have the strength I need to expose myself to the daggers of those in the congregation.  I have been cut by so many (inside and outside the congregation) so frequently that I will be as pleasant as I know how to those who choose to speak, as some do when they walk by.  The rest just pretend I am not there.

My kid used to tell people that they should include me in stuff.  Now it seems that this is backfiring and he is getting frozen out.  He doesn't just take it lying down.  He is always on his feet looking for stuff that is going on in the congregation on a social level.  He also has friends in other parts of the country that he can stay in touch with.  Really good for him, 'cause right now I am just a warm place to stay (and a boat anchor) to him.  As usual, I really hate myself.  And, given my performance it certainly seems like I hate God as well.  How could I be just so very stupid.

I have a meeting with my psychologist this evening.  He hasn't heard that I didn't get kicked out yet.  So I'll start with that and then go on to the anger.  I need to get the tax accountant recommendation from him again.  Honestly I don't know where to go from here with him.

I don't want to do Match 'cause that's real  people with real feelings.  Escorts are just too expensive. I'm just so tired of being alone.  There must be something I could do.

A week passes

Still working out more or less every other day.  It is hard to stay with it but I am lucky that there isn't much else going on.  I like the feeling after i worked out.  Tired but satisfied.

Today there was a special treat.  A fresh young female athlete joined the regular crew of ugly guys in the gym this AM.  Of course that means nothing to me, just some distracting visuals.  I think I remember her from a week or two ago.  I was on my way toward the exit and she was ahead of me going through the door leading into the building main lobby.  She held the door as I was only a few paces behind her.

Very cute and well packaged.  Small in size but no stranger to the gym.  Of course as I am watching the mind wanders.  (Yes, still male and born in the USA) I realized that if she came onto me (not that such a thing is even remotely likely) in that nrop movie kind of way, there's no way I could resist that.  I'd just go stumbling to the deacons again saying "Well this just happened.  .  .  ."

Highlight of the month that was.

So I continue to freeze when it comes to signing up for match and for another escort run.  I suppose that in reality, the escorts are still available since I was kicked to the curb again for watching nrop not for going out to dinner with a "rent-a-date."  But that's just from a "what could get me kicked out" standpoint. It is still too expensive.

I think about having to paint the house and redo the floors.  I don't have the money for that hobby.

It's been a week and a half since sending in my prescriptions to our new and mandated email prescription filling service.  After a week they said "we have your order.  We'll ship in 3 or 4 days probably, and you still have to wait for return shipping.  I hope to get  the pills by mid next week.  I think I will want to go back to Zoloft since that has the ess eee cross suppressing side effect.  That would be really convenient to have going for me.  Really, this is the last viable option for me getting myself turned around.  Drugs, wonderful drugs.  Take my problems away.  (Where have I head that before.)

No Boot, Crap!

So the decision was rendered.  I am censured again but not kicked out.

And the overwhelming feeling?  Relief?  Joy?  Gladness?  Gratefulness?  No.  Unfortunately it is anger.  I really think that a large part of me wanted to be rid of the burden of  being in this church.  The next day I binge watched bad TV full of violence and fornication (but not the X crap that got me almost kicked out.)  What does God think of this?  Well he knew what was there when he let me stay in.  I didn't try to pull any punches and I didn't lie (knowingly) this time.

The anger is real though.  My kid noticed that I was angry all weekend.  Nothing much else to be said about that.  It is like Satan had me by the jersey and it tore away, but part of it is still attached.  I can be sure that he will continue to pull at fabric still attached.  the play isn't over until Armageddon and he is still pulling.

So one of the Deacons met with me again Sunday and are pushing me to do more with the church.  I agreed but reluctantly.  I hate the bind this puts me in but I can't get out of it.  I chose God and this is one of his requirements.  I hope I can make that anger go away (metaphorically removing the jersey.)

I also need to learn to pray more.  As noted earlier (ad nausium) there are many things of which I need to do more.  I had better start praying soon If I am going to get my posterior out in service a week and a half from now.

I worked out for the 3rd time in 4 days.  I hope this is the start of a good trend and not just a fake-out flash in the pan.

Work is difficult.  I have to listen to music to get anything done.  With going to meetings and such I have less time to devote to work and the mental distraction of depression is taking a serious toll on my productivity again.  I reached out to my Psychiatrist but the little bitch she uses to do her scheduling is so slow to respond, I think it will take several days just to get the damn thing scheduled and then, of course there will be the traditional 3 week wait for the first availability.  It looks like she may have moved out of the super convenient location she once occupied.  Shit!

I can feel myself sinking into the self hate characteristic of my depressive cycles.  I had a lot of trouble getting to the meeting yesterday.  I so very much did not want to go.  Largely because of wanting to set some kind of not so bad example for my kid, I went anyway.  I was so awfully sleepy though.  I am determined to get back on the pills, the exercise, the talk therapy, intelligent eating choices and, probably most importantly the prayer to try and pull out of this tail spin that I am in.   I expect this to end like all the other attempts, but I can't stop trying.  I hate my existing life just so damn much.

Oh, and I guess I need to stop cussin' so much too.

One Day

So now I am one day away from knowing if I will get kicked out of my church.  Interestingly one of the Escorts I used before is here in town and she seems to be available for dinner tonight and sunday night.  I am not quite so idiotic as to schedule time with her now that I am sitting on the knife edge.  However I really wonder what I will do if they do kick me out tomorrow night.  Would I go ahead and say, I'm takin' this now that I have nothing to loose?  or would I do the right thing and let it go and stoically go to the meeting patiently waiting for my opportunity to get reinstated.  Of course I hope that it is the latter but I am afraid that it might be the former.  I really hope I don't have to learn the answer to that question.  But I cannot control that, so I'll just have to wait and see.

I checked out the Internet Dating Site JWConnect.  It seems very small but that would be expected since it ostensibly serves only 1/2 of 1 percent of the country.  Practically speaking it is probably closer to 1 percent, but that's still very small.  Of course these are real people so far fewer still were the sort of folks I'd connect with and I am sure they wouldn't be interested in me.  I did see someone da'd and if I am excommunicated that could work but really?  Is that a good idea?  So why am I asking?

Feelin' quite agitated now.  the walls are closing in (totbas - wait I already said that about the same phrase.)  There really are simply no good options for relieving this desire to be with female companions.  Nothing, no outlet, just grit teeth and bear it.  I am not sure I can do this for the next 10 years it would take to get to the point of being able to have a relationship on good terms in the congregation.  2 years to be fully vested, 3 to be a MS and 5 to be a Deacon.  I am not even prepared to get on that road now.

Drugs, Wonderful Drugs, Solve My Problems

Last week was a bit of a wreck.

In spite of early optimism it is looking like they are going to form a formal review committee to decide if they will boot me out.  This is not good news.  The original dude I talked to had to get another guy to back him up and "hear" the case again.  Of course there wasn't any new information about the nrop but I did tell them about the rent-a-date situation.  Surprisingly, they were not nearly as freaked out about it as I thought they might be.  Of course I did not use the terms prostitute, escort or call girl.  If asked I would tell them that this is a "paid companion" and if pressed further I would admit that the individuals are almost surely paid for sex in other encounters.  But that only has to do with their other encounters and nothing to do with me.

So the net effect is that I am going to sit for another two weeks minimum wondering if I am going to get kicked out.  This week they will meet on Thursday to determine if there actually will be a "hearing."  I know that the answer to that is almost surely yes.  But it will take a meeting for them to come to that conclusion.  Next they have to schedule a meeting with me to have the formal hearing. Since the big cheese is coming to town that will probably be next week.

Now once they meet with you they tell you that day what the judgement is.  So If I'm getting kicked out I'll know right then unless I tried to appeal.  I have not nearly the adequate amount of information to form an opinion of the likelihood of success in an appeal, however given the chummy feeling among the elder bodies, I suspect that the vast majority of appellate decisions are unfavorable for the one making the appeal.

So I am in the sh*t again.  If they kick me out it will be really bad for my relatives.  I don't think I could ever face them again.  I really hate what I have become.  There is just no redeeming me in this situation.  I have done what I have done and I can't undo it.

If I do get kicked out I believe I will do the escort thing (full service this time) for a couple of rounds, Then do the internet dating a few times and then try to get back into the organization.  That is now the course I would want to do.  I would want to just continue to try to do what God wants and then eventually get back in.  That would be what I would want to see myself do. but I know that it is very unlikely to happen this way.  There is just so much wickedness in my bones.

So it is a few days later and 2 (count 'em 2) days before I know if I am getting the boot.  They sent me stuff to read:  a bible chapter and 2 paragraphs from an old wt saying basically don't date unless you are thinking of marrying the person you are dating.  The bible chapter is a Psalm where the writer is going on about how God knows the details of us and how much the writer hates what God hates.  The one about dating is obvious since I said I did the rent-a-date thing.  The one about hating what God hates since I obviously don't hate nrop.  The one about how well God knows us is probably not really what they want me to focus on.

So the big cheese is in town this week and I am a little surprised the Deacons chose to meet yet this week since it is a big deal for them to take the time out to hold this meeting when so much else for them is going on at the same time.  I am sure it is just the thing of not wanting this issue just hangin' out there when he shows up.  They probably just went to look like they are attacking the problem, even though it has been hangin' out there nearly 8 weeks already.  No matter.  I suppose I am just looking for something or someone (other than me) to blame right now.

Giving me stuff to read may be their way of proving that I should be kicked out or maybe their way of providing meaningful assistance.  I am 55/45 that I will [stay in]/[get booted out of] the congregation.  It iss an obvious toss-up.  I know I have to say I am sorry for disrespecting God and will try to remember to do that.  (That is not a lie.)  They will probably try to get me to say  lot of other things but I have sort of decided not to complain about anything or anyone.  Definitely not defend my actions.  I imaging myself saying "That was a mistake" and "I should just try harder" quite a lot.  I really hate waiting for the sword to fall.  Will it cut off my hands or my head.  Alternatively it could just give me a close shave.  Really though, I almost expect to be missing (a) body part(s) by midnight tomorrow. I am no totally freaking out now but I feel it close beneath my skin.

Inevitably since I first felt the anticipation of falling outside the congregation I still wonder what I would do.  I'm not going to spend too much energy on that one since a) if it happens I'll have plenty of time to decide and b) I might get so excite by the possibilities that I bend responses to make that possible outcome a reality.

Of course the thing that is I really want to say is "I told you I was looking at nrop on at least 4 separate occasions.  Why did you not choose to let me know that this is a df'in' offence until now?  I suppose I know the answer.  The society didn't label it as such until 2013 or so.

In retrospect I think I should have got on the drugs and stayed on them.  They solve the nrop problem by dropping the desire so much I didn't even think about it.  They could have also helped me with all the other problems i am having.  This may be one of those moments where drugs are the answer to my prayers.  Take them early, often, consistently and regularly and so many of these issues will likely just melt away.

What a jerk I really am for not doing something about this sooner.  And really, who knows if I am really going to do something now?

To Boot or Not To Boot

So it looks like they might not kick me out.  The first judicial meeting is with 2 guys not 3.  Of course those 2 guys could say "this is worse than we thought, we are going to form a 3 man team."  That would be really bad.  Anyway the meeting (with the 2 man group -- sounds like a rock band doesn't it, but I digress,) is supposed to happen tonight.  It was supposed to be Sunday, but one of the guys took off before we could meet.

I don't want to get kicked out.  I am disappointed in the feeling that I might like.  I suppose I like the thought of being in a state where there is nothing else they can do to me officially (except to decline requests for suspending the excommunication.)   God will see me though.  I can't hide from Him.

The biggest issue I have right now is that, even though things are going OK right now (nrop is at a 4 week hiatus, I am reading the bible most days, studying the Wt and praying more reading text week days for the last several weeks,) it could taper off and end at any moment.  Today, right now I didn't study the Wt this AM.  Is this the beginning of the end?  I don't know!  It very well could be.  And then its back into the fire for me.  These guys could decide to keep their feet on my neck another couple of years or more.

I just heave a big sigh and quit worrying about it.  It seems like the more I think about it the more depressing it is.  It will just be such a long wait for it to be all over with.

I don't know what these guys are going to ask tonight.  But if they want to get deep into the sh*t I might end up having to tell them about the paid companions and the speeding and the IRS and all that other crap.  If I end up unloading on them then that could well spell the beginning of the end.  I really hate my life and the persistence of the misery it holds seems unfathomably deep.

It's the afternoon now and there was a little bit of snow this AM so they moved the meeting to Friday.  *Sign*  I guess I'll just walk around with this sword over my head a few more days.   I can't complain though, I am the one who effectively hung it there.  Of course they are the one with the scissors.

A real question on my mind is just how much more sh*t to tell them.
1. I speed all the time
2. I don't pay my taxes
3. I go out with non-witness women.
4. I almost had ess eee cross with DC

If I were to go down the list I would get yawn / "why are you wasting our time" look / "What!!??" If I were to bust out with "I've used prostitutes 4 times in the last 2 years" that would get me on the 3 man group for sure.  Of course the last item would constitute dead silence and knowing looks between the 2 dudes that meant No question:  committee matter.

Regarding the nonjw's, loyal readers will know, I just take them out to dinner or a show.  Even so the 2 man group would go ape.  So I'm not planning to say anything about that unless provoked.  If the HS prompts them to prompt me to talk about it I will, but I'm not bringing it up and if I do, I'll say something like I've dated nonjw's occasionally.  Of course that will generate the barrage of questions:  Who, How Often, What happened.

Just how much they need to know is unknown to me at this point.  How relevant is 2 year old data in cases like this, I just don't know.  I'm betting it isn't relevant, but I'm open to suggestion.

Given the scope of things that could come up at this meeting (now on Friday) I think the title of this should be No Boot ?.  Really it is maybe maybe not.  Sort of like the early voting in a very close election.  The data is largely meaningless.  I don't know if I am going to get kicked out or not.  I really hope not but maybe that is just what God wants.  He may see that what I need is a swift and brutal kick in the butt to get me to take notice of his demands.  Of course it is likely to leave me in a pit of depression so deep that I don't make it out of there alive (let the reader use discernment,) but if that is what God wants, then God please help me to work in harmony with a series of events leading to just that.