Reprimanded, Scorned As the One Who's Bad

So for the second time in as many months I've been censured again.  Since the issues I engaged in were not public, they won't make any announcement.

I feel like a bullet just went whizzing by my head.  However in actual fact any of the punishments available to God would have been appropriate if God was in agreement with its application.  So I didn't want to get the boot, but I was prepared to accept it.  I think so anyway; who knows how I would have taken the news.

So they say I have to start going out in FS.  They actually set a date for the next meeting.  I think if I do all the things they want, 1) improved study 2) keep coming to meetings 3) FS and of course 4) Prayer (without which the first 3 could not be sustained) then I'd get the duct tape ripped from my mouth.

I suppose at some point later, the banishment from the MS would go away as well, then finally this 10 (or so) years of punishment would be over.

So for now I feel better.  I think God has finally forgiven me for my crimes against him.  I'm just left with the stinking fetid situation that all that sinning has left me with, but if I put God's will first in my life, I can deal with it with God's help.

I still hate my life and the mess I've made of it.  However I'm glad God was willing to forgive me.  I suppose for now, I should be thankful for that and working hard to continue repairing my relationship with Him.

Am I able to do that though?  I have been "trying" for some time now, years in fact.  Of course I put it in quotation marks because while there has been some effort, it isn't like I was digging in soft earth where I knew there to be a million USD buried that would be lawfully mind if found within the next 10 minutes.  Nope, I'd be digging a lot harder than I am working to get myself back into good standing.  (Good standing means that you are not on judicial restrictions.  Basically where I am now means that I couldn't even work on building a new KHall.)

I know I need to pray more.  Heretofore I haven't managed to make myself pray like I need to.  I don't know if it is related to last night's judgment but it seems easier to pray now.  Well now that it's easier I should try to take advantage of it since I know I haven't done so lately.  Hardly at all.

Looking back at the escorts, I have to just not look  back there.  I should pray for help to not look back.  If I do I'll cave.  No question there.  Honestly the world looks bleak.  No entertainment, no fun, no association.  I suppose it would be good to go out in FS and get that positive feeling again.   The association would come back related to the amount of FS I'm doing.  It's hard to see myself happily associating with people who ignored me years earlier.  But that's a matter of forgiveness IF they really did something wrong.  Knowing who I was and where I was spiritually, I'd advise many against associating with who I was back then.  In any case that's not a situation I need to fix.

It's going to be a very unpleasant ride back to spiritual activity.  A lot of:  "I have to do this no matter how much it hurts" moments are in the near future.  Oh well, I have to do this if I am going to survive so it might as well be now.  Doing myself in would be easier.  After all, "Seasons don't fear the Reaper" right?  But that kind of thinking would probably land me in a lake of fire from which there is no resurrection.  Besides, the only think I may have possibly done right is raise a kid.  While the jury is still out on that, I really like doing so and I know I won't be able to do with that option (as much as one can know these things.)

Thursday

I am seriously behind on my work due to the vacation day and a half.

I feel like I got a boost from all the counsel from the deacons.  That's a real plus.

There is just so much that needs to be taken care of.  Maybe God will help me now that my sins have been forgiven.

Friday

I'm kind of numb.  Work is very busy.  The meds make me jumpy like they did before.  Jittery sort of.  My hands shake when I am trying to keep still.  My voice is wavey like I am really nervous even when I'm not.  Oh well, It's still better than being in the bottom of a well.

Goin' to my shrink this afternoon.  I was tellin' her I'm gonna break bad a session or 2 ago.  Now that I have a reprieve,  I'm not gonna do that.  I continue to have an easier time praying.  I was really having a lot of trouble doing so before.

Life is still unpleasant.  I feel alone most of the time.  People haven't changed.  I don't fit in anywhere, work, church are both dismissive of me as an individual.  Of course it's worse at church.  I still have my ups and downs but generally speaking the trend is no longer down.  I should be thankful for that.  The deacons were really helped.  I'm just going to have to wait for changes I made to ripple through my life.  I imagine it will be 6 months before I perceive any difference.

I'm going on PTO next week.  I haven't made ANY plans for what to do with my time.  I suppose I had a mild notion of doing some filing and working on the house in Martinsville.  I still feel like a zero.  I can't seem to do anything other than what someone standing over me is telling me to do.  I'm such a sh*t.