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Well I wouldn't be surprised if a strange reader were to conclude I had done myself in.  It has been a long time since any new post.  Unfortunately (or fortunately depending on your perspective regarding my existence) my situation is little changed.

I am still sitting outside my congregation looking in on how much fun people are having inside the church.  But I myself keep doing things that keep me on the periphery.  My job is ending, that seems like a really bad thing.  However I think that God may be giving me a helping hand by dumping me off the bandwagon that is  my current employer.  In some ways it seems like a circus parade.  But, when you work for the circus, it is your livelihood.

My son, who currently lives in sin with his current bitch is finally (again) planning to leave her.  She is no match for him and the cliche "I don't know what he sees in her" is abundantly apropos.

My place is a mess, I spent my holidays ironing shirts.  (What!!??) Yes, you read correctly.  For cryin' out loud.  I'm such a freaking mess.

I did up my monthly gift to the church to 6 c-notes a month.  That and the 2 c-notes to help my uncle is probably the best use of the money I have coming in.  I still employ escorts occasionally but just for dinner and lunchtime company.  One I met named Syd tugs mightily at my heart.  Tall, beautiful in spite of her age, gentle and with a warm heart.  She is intelligent and very kind.  I can't see her anymore.  I know I would continue to fall in love if I did so.  I hope God shows her his will for people today.

When I visited my brother he told me of another guy I just barely knew when I was a kid.  The guy grew up and focused on doing God's will in his life.  But his mother was poor.  She is dead and gone and he is poor today.  But he is strong in the church.  I sort of wish I could trade places.  Anyway, his computer broke a while ago so he can't access a lot of the media the church now distributes therewith.  I think about the money I spend on escorts and for just one visit I could get him a really nice machine to use.  How can I justify the continued spending.

Of course I came home from my visit and after a couple of days I tried to make another appointment with an escort.  Thankfully she hasn't responded.  It's been long enough that I can feign schedule change if she does ever get back to me.  (I don't think she will.)

It's the loneliness.  I really want someone of similar intellectual capacity to talk to.  Actually I want a woman to talk to.  But, I suppose that's just a long way of saying that things haven't changed much.

My son decided that he wants to go to another congregation.  So I go to the meetings with him there.  That's good since I had completely stopped going to my own congregation.  I'v been to the congregation now 6 or 7 weeks in a row. Almost all the time (and definitely for the last 4 times, my son comes with me.      I hope it continues to work out but then I think about the last 40 years of my life and I realize that it probably won't.  I haven't given up but I am not succeeding either.

Did I mention I am loosing my job?  My new manager thinks I am expendable.  It should be a good thing but I feel stuck to this damn company.  It is like I just can't fathom to leave.  I have to though.  I need to get out of here, this place is a death trap.  I've watched the company shrink to half its former size.  The new parent company still has a straw stuck in this company's jugular and is sucking with nearly the force of a full vacuum in an effort to extract more cash.  All the while flogging middle management and providing niggardly wage increases.

I just can't imagine what it must be like to work for a successful company.  One where you aren't constantly worried about job loss and you can reasonably expect a raise of 3% or more most years.  Seems like a pipe dream to me now.


O yes and I still despise myself with deep and abiding passion.  I still clutch my head ramdomly during the day as I think of some incredibly stupid thing I did a few decades, months, years, days or hours ago.  I just can't fathom a pleasant life anymore.  Being accepted in a crowd of people who see me as a real and acceptable associate, one they would like to get to know,  well that just seems to be beyond hope.  I'll always be an outcast.  At least until I die.  Life is so discouraging.   It sucks the go juice right out of me.  I so very abhor what I have grown up to become.  And I am deeply ashamed of myself.

No wonder my son is so messed up  .  .  .  I suppose I'd turn my back on myself if I were my own son.