Written around April 2015 published much later.

Monday AM

Today finds me still waiting for word of my punishment.  One of the deacons on the committee is out of town so I won't hear anything until he gets back.  I'm not sure when this will be but likely a day or two at the most.  I think a lot about ess eee cross but once the depression meds get here, I shouldn't have that problem any more.  I am looking forward to that.

I don't know if I will keep looking to make a date with the escort again.  I cancelled them both earlier.  I know I still need some kind of companionship.  They have this snuggle/cuddle service now but precious few people are available for that kind of engagement.  Obviously I can't spend the night with them but dinner and a movie would now be a lot cheaper: 80 dol/hr rather than 500 dol / hr.

So regarding my case, I remembered that I took a bath once and showered once with this df'd person.  I don't know if this makes any difference or not.  And if I remember something else, I suppose I'll have to go through this process again.  So even IF they decide not to kick me out for spending the night so many times, I have at least these two issues to discuss and I don't know how many other things I did that could be considered a df'ing offence.  I suppose if I remember any other df'ing issues, I'll have to go through this again.  I suppose the big issue is I thought ess eee cross was needed to kick someone out and I never imagined that spending the night was "loose conduct" (that's one of the things you can get kicked out for if you do it multiple times.)  In spite of that there is nothing I am continuing to practice so it may still go OK for me.  But given that there are so many and varied instances of trouble, I think my goose is cooked.  I already told my kid I'd probably be df'd.  I actually think that I will although I hope I don't.  I don't want to be kicked out, I just think that's what's going to happen.  I think God sees the need for me to be punished this way to get myself in gear and motivated to do His will.  I think maybe df'ing would do that.  However it would also give me the sense of freedom and the thought that I can finally have ess eee cross without consequence.  I think that would be disasterous.  I think I am at a point right now that the only path back to God that I will follow, is to get df'd and then to be good, and stay focused on getting reinstated until I get back in.  During that time I'd have to prepare for FS.  On letting me back in I'd have to immediately start back in FS until the restrictions are lifted and beyond.

This is not what I want to happen.  I want it just to be that I am reproved yet again, and then I do the same thing.  I just don't think that would happen.  I am growing accustomed to being reproved.  I still don't want to get df'd since I really believe that I will handle that badly.  The temptation would be too much to go the wrong way with it.  Still, if I had to choose, I would say no, I don't want to be df'd.  Of course it's not my choice, it's God's.