I have faced this question so many times and I always answer it the same way. I shouldn't but I want to and I may do it anyway. I need to decide what to do and stick to that. Put that way it is pretty easy: I shouldn't so I won't. There DONE.
(but the heart says: done for now)
Tuesday
I guess my Monday post was lost. Humph, whatever. Anyway anyone bored enough to have read the earlier posts from last month would be able to write it for me. Heart is winning. I am hoping to hear from Elly late this morning. I found another target Emily Grand. Another very expensive escort. Of course the heart is interested.
Wednesday
So Elly did write me back though not until the afternoon. Not that it matters really. My previous experience was typically a late morning response if there was one to be had. So I lamented loosing her interest. She did reply. I hadn't been clear enough in saying that I'm willing to provide the verification information she needed, just not before I can lay eyes on her. I sent a clarification and hopefully she will respond. Of course this is after I made arrangements for a 4 hour visit from Linda. And made arrangements to spend a night in DC on the day she (Linda) visits.
Wednesday
I am just going down the wrong path. I'll just do the thing and keep my hands to myself. Thinking about going to Adams Morgan but I need to check the place out first. That would be a good end if the crowd is right.
Emile contacted me and I got all that arranged. 1 or 2 hours next week on Wednesday. This is a relatively easy public screening and Info exchange. I don't know what to expect from her. I anticipate that she's the kind of person who is way out of my league. Honestly they all are. I want to fill that urge though, for female association, as long as it doesn't get messy. Given time it will. I just need to start praying hard, and keep doing so, well, forever.
This behavior has to stop soon or I will go headlong over the cliff. Oh and a Committee meeting coming up. What!!?? You are such an arrowhead mark. I read a chapter today (my sacrifice) Of course, to obey is better than to sacrifice. I am such an idiot.
So, I am hoping against hope that I will pop out on the other side of next week and the following week not having been df'd by the impending committee, or earn a df'ing as a result of meeting with Elly or Linda. I see it as unlikely, but mostly because I think the committee will df me for past sins. There is practically no immediate risk regarding Elly, but huge risk with Linda. A four hour engagement usually means more than dinner. I'd need to figure out how to fill that time. Again the culturally rich Adams Morgan comes to mind but it is "gritty" as was described in a review. I don't think I want to go there after a nice dinner.
I think if I get a couple bottles of wine/spirits we could just tie one on at the hotel.
Thursday
So thinking about things all night. Had the usual ess eee cross dreams that come along 2 or 3 times a year. This time I was in a room with several beautiful but unclothed people resting. I was on several others but everyone was comfortable. I was thinking about the effect of pending arousal.
I know this is all a bad idea, but I think that if I have lots to talk about I may keep the conversation going and enjoyable. So I'll prepare for that. Bing search: questions to ask speed dating. That yields good results. I need to capture and memorize several of such questions. As well as try to boost my own self confidence. Working out and reading will help that.
Friday
The expulsion hearing is now only one day away. I watched nrop last night, fist major breach where I can't rationalize the activity away as "incidental contact" or "brief lapse." I didn't watch videos and certainly not the stuff I nearly got df'd for before. However it was a serious breach. Also I didn't mention the video chat stuff before. I suppose that could be lumped under the same heading as nrop but I've felt particularly bad about that b/c it was so personal and I had to pay money as part of a small group. of 20 other guys throwing money at the "performer." I suppose some could recon that this is "pornea" since I paid money for sex, but that is like paying for porn in some sense. It seemed worse to me since it was a much smaller group. Would that make me less reprehensible it were part of a larger group? From God's standpoint I don't think so. I'm still making a bad choice, I just feel worse about it since it is a smaller group.
I am also keyed up b/c of the appointments I made. Not as much the one with Elly. But the one with Linda is fraught with danger since I made it a 4 hour engagement. Traditionally in such situations the first 2 hours are dinner and the last two are for ess eee cross.
Wednesday
The expulsion hearing came and went. They talked a lot about the sleeping over thing which I didn't understand at first. They told me that such is considered loose conduct (shockingly bad behavior.) With that moniker, they can kick me out if they want to. I think the rules may be that they have to do so in these instances. It may indeed be in this instance since I can 't say it was only once or twice. Well they got to the end of the meeting and hadn't decided what they are going to do with me. I was thinking at first that they couldn't come to a consensus so they were going to look up some additional information and talk further. Then I thought that maybe they needed to talk to the deacons in another congregation to see what information they had. Bottom line, I don't know why they didn't decide what to do.
So today I got a call saying can we meet tomorrow (Thursday) night (presumably for them to tell me if they are going to kick me out or not.) The voice on the phone was dark. I think I am on the "out" list and that is what they are going to tell me tomorrow. I really don't know, but that's my gut feeling.
Anyway, I had talked with them about the rental dates. I didn't say that I had made 2 new rental dates, and I certainly didn't say that the folks I am working with are escorts since I didn't intend to take advantage of those services nor have I ever. The rent-a-date moniker is an accurate description of what I was doing. Any way they said, that its not something we'll kick you out for but really, from God's standpoint, is this wise? I knew it wasn't.
Earlier this week, sunday or monday I cancelled both of the meetings I set up. I imagined that perhaps God would use this as a judgement of whether or not he would kick me out. Of course I just don't know for sure. I did make sure to indicate to the providers that I was really sorry that I couldn't make it so that if I wanted to schedule some time in the future I wouldn't be in the doghouse with either of them. I wonder if God was using this as a yardstick how impactful that was. It could have resulted in Him deciding that I'm out of the congregation for now. Maybe it has absolutely nothing to do with the decision in this case. However I know that visiting with a non-witness is bad all around.
Again, I am wondering: If they do kick me out, what am I going to do? Will I go nuts? Will I be good having been shocked by this severe punishment and just quietly live my life talking only to store clerks over the weekend?
Will Armageddon come and, I die on the "plains of Moab?". Cr*p, I used to think these things don't affect me but I'll be damned if they don't. My head is in a really bad place right now. High stress situation. The thing about God's justice is that it isn't blind. God doesn't like white people more than blacks, He isn't partial to asians of any complexion. He doesn't prefer blonds and physical attributes, while they certainly would affect my judgment, doesn't affect God's fair exercise of mercy. Its the heart (usually revealed by our actions) that God looks at. There is no fooling him. We might fool men but we'll never fool God.
I guess I am deeply ashamed of coming so close regardless of their decision. I am a shameful person. I have wasted my life in pursuit of things I have no business having. I've been selfish and I've lied to God. I promised to give my devotion to him, but I haven't done so in real life. I have really just need to bow my head and pray for a couple of hours. But I probably won't do so for 2 seconds. I am finding that I am actively avoiding prayer now. How bad is that? Maybe God is right now helping me to see why he is going to kick me out. I am so, not deserving of his mercy, as far as I can tell. I know I would have given up on me if I was an "employer" charged with staffing God's organization and someone like me was on my team.
I see my faults and shortcomings and they are so overwhelming. Especially when I consider that I can't even seem anywhere near all of them. Its not like I am broken, it is like I am shattered into pieces so small, it defies imagination that I could ever be reassembled into something useful. I want to crawl under a rock and die. Not literaly, but it begins to express the hurt, pain and frustration I feel. The emptiness and dejection that comes knowing that my life is in vain. And for what? sitting here owing a half million to the IRS and no money to buy a car if I needed one. No retirement savings.
I suppose it's one thing if you make it big in Satan's world. You can imagine yourself to be above God's people and look down your noses at them. There are plenty of others around that will help tell you just how very great you are and how right you are. And of course a very high income buys the trappings of this world that are o, so nice. The craftsmanship of a fine automobile and the exclusivity of a high-rise condo even here in the lowly town of Alexandria, It really is enough to make you forget about what you left behind in God's organization.
But I don't have any of that. I live from day to day knowing just how much God offers and how little Satan's world means in the grand scheme. And yet I am paralyzed with indecision. Of course that's fine by Satan. Paralysis is totally OK with him as long as I am paralyzed outside God's organization which is where I believe I will shortly find myself. Well I have less than 24 hours until I find out. There is always this wait. Why is that?? It doesn't seem like it is commensurate with the effort I have put forth. I remember in the old days, you just had to be a pretty good guy and you got promoted to MS and then Deacon. Now that gets you the job of carrying microphones and reading aloud. Good for he organization I say. Ever increasing standards is the way to continued success. Bad for me though since it makes my stagnation just so very obvious.
How did I get here? Where did I go so very wrong. If I decided to go to Bethel instead of College, would that have "saved" me or would the defects in my personality just come out at some other time? If they did, would they have resulted in the same misery, less, more? So here I sit, ready to go down for the next year, isolated from the congregation and from my family. Enduring the isolation in my work environment. Will I go crazy? Will I find friends on Match or snugglebunnies? Will do speed dating or continue using escorts? Would I be good and wait for the sanctions to be lifted? I have no idea. Well, actually I do and it brings me shame to think of it. So it isn't hard, dear reader, for you to understand my most likely option: select the worst from the above and make it a couple of 4 or 5 steps worse than that: then you'd be close to the level at which you could drill down to the depths at which I could easily find myself.
This is a bad day. There seems to be nothing I can do to make it better. And God says that it is possible, which makes this all the more frustrating. If God says I can succeed and be happy then it really is possible. And so when I find myself in this situation, I have to know that, primarily, this is all my fault. I've done this to myself through my actions and inaction. I have crawed down to this state. I have pointed the gun at vital organs and have pulled the trigger.
Will I live to tell the story to my kids in the new system? Honestly, It's doubtful. It's really very doubtful. I felt like maybe I had crawled back to 50/50 chance. But after these meetings recently and the fact that I still can't seem to stay awake in meetings, I just think that I'm so far away from being a good servant, and I'm not moving nearly fast enough to get there. It is like the tide is going out and I'm swimming to shore at half the rate at which the tide is receding. And I'm getting really tired. And I won't pray about it. Really, what are my chances? Slim, None?
So wanna know the latest? Well I was listening to an old vmail message. They will know sometime next week. Monday or Tuesday evening before I'll know what they are thinking. I guess it is positive since that sullen tone is not necessarily indicative of their current thinking. So maybe there's hope, then again, maybe not.
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