Here the frack we go again. Talked to the deacons last night and told both of them about the issue with dc. Spending the night and almost having ess eee cross. I think, actually I am almost sure there will be another committee set up to deal with this. "Deal with this" means they will again, for the third time, ask all kinds of questions about what happened. They will hear the same answers I gave them before then they will decide if I get df'd or publicly/privately reproved and what the punishment will be.
Will the cycle never end? Actually I spent some time trying to think of other things I did wrong in a serious way, and that's all I can think about that I haven't already confessed. Of course the choice with the escort is still out there. I still want to do it but am being held up by the cost and the wrongness of it. I think I will hold off until I hear what the judgement is from this most recent case and then decide what to do. I think I am going to see her. I just need some kind of companionship now. I can also look in on Speed Dating this weekend.
They didn't hardly lift an eyebrow when I mentioned the Rent-A-Date (as I described it to them) before. So I am thinking this is't a big deal and I don't need to "confess" if I do this again. I'm thinking this will be the last time I see Linda. I'll probably sample Ellen but I don't think I'll make a habit of her. Lilly is the one I am waiting for and hope she returns to the East Coast. I don't think I could get enough of her if she did. This is bad though. I really shouldn't but if you've ready any of my recent posts, you won't want to hear about that anymore. I just want one more dinner with Linda and give her the gift. I doubt I'll come across any 34D's in my ordinary life, and if I did, I'd be happy to buy new if I could still afford it then.
The heart wants what the heart wants, doesn't it?
Thursday (the next day)
So I've given in on the notion of whether or not I will visit an escort; the answer is yes. I've moved on to who and how many. I have a gift for Linda, so I will see her. I just want to see Elly, so I will see her as well even though she is so young. Oh and I plan to do the speed dating thing also. Why don't I take a flying leap off a really tall bridge into the ocean? That would be a less painful way to die!
I won't do that of course. In a request for pleasure I will place myself in a dragon's mouth and hope that I have the strength and stamina to avoid being chewed and swallowed. Of course I suppose the chewing is optional. You know the next line by now right? Yes: How stupid is that!
So the memorial is tomorrow. I haven't done the reading. I don't even know what time it is supposed to start. I'm not going to wear a suit like I usually do. I just don't feel qualified to do so. I know nobody cares and there is no "Dress Code" I just feel like a fake, a poser when I put on a suit and go to the hall. That's why I never wear one. What's the point I wonder. God is far more interested in me being prepared spiritually than dressed like a deacon would dress.
I always feel like an outsider. I have come to realize that I truly am an outsider. I don't want to talk about spiritual things. I don't want to hear someone espousing their faith or their experiences in FS. But that is what people want to talk about. They only know to ask me about work since that dominates my life. Only a few know that. Most just treat me like I am invisible. The women have all heard, thanks to my son, that I am lonely. They come up and try to talk to me like a child. I really don't want to talk to them. The will never be my friend, not in this life. Possibly in the one to come but it doesn't look like I am going to make it there. Especially since I am so very interested in certain other women.
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