So, I'm posting a lot right now. Don't know why, nothing earth shattering going on. I worked out for the first time in 7 days today. I had to slow way down at one point during the resistance training b/c I was feeling so tired I was almost nauseous. But I finished up and went on to the final endurance training. I went 53 minutes. Total calorie burn across both endurance training sessions was over 1000. That's my goal.
Actually I have been feeling lousy all day long. It's 2;00 PM and I just got some lunch. I didn't eat much at all yesterday and I am hoping it is just hunger. I'm eating a sandwich now hoping I'll feel better. Of course I am still turning over the escort thing in my mind. One gauge of how well money is spent is when you think about the experience, do you regret spending the money. That has yet to happen. Of course that makes me want to spend more money on escorts. The other thing is since I know Linda, I want to see her again. And since I want to get to know Elly I want to do that before there is a price increase. Maybe I should do both!
Well the sandwich went down well and I do feel better. I think maybe it was really just that I had run out of the juice from the food I was eating earlier. I need to really consider what my diet should be. I try to eat as little as possible but I am apparently overdoing it. The work out felt good otherwise though. I am hoping I can get my butt back into a regular routine. I got up super early today so I will be exhausted after the meeting and getting home late doesn't help.
Well my heart is reaching the tipping point. I am just about to be overcome by my foolish reasoning. I'm about to schedule time with both of them. Not just yet, but if I peruse there sites just one more time then I may be ready. There's also speed dating that I'd like to consider. Not sure how that would work out.
Wednesday
So I didn't visit the site but my heart is working overtime on my mind. I think it will get the upper hand, honestly. It's not like I intend to have intercourse with either woman. I think about them as individuals. (I suppose that's part of the fantasy.) Linda because I already know her and Elly because she is local and more accessible. Also that I (hopefully) get grandfathered in at the lower rate. Bad Idea, Makes no sense. But that's what happens when the heart takes over. I guess I'm the one with hooks in my jaws and I know who's on the other end of that line. How could I be so stupid. like they say, the heart wants what the heart wants.
Thursday
So here I am again. what's up with this? So the daily scripture I read this AM hit hard at me. It was talking about the lures that Satan uses to entrap God's people. It said the lures look appealing but there is always a hook in them. Reminded me of my the paragraph I wrote yesterday. I just can't seem to deal with this. This gives me serious pause. Of course the heart is now scheming to overcome this objection. For right now the mind is winning. What i am doing is playing with fire. I will get burned. I recall how silly I was when I was in school. Thinking I was not going to suffer for doing what I wanted to do rather than doing what God instructed me to do. I have suffered and paid for those mistakes for years after. I think the same thing might happen here. I don't feel the hear from the fire yet. It just looks like an attractive thing. Shiny and beautiful. Of course I can actually see the hook, it just looks soooooo good. (That was the heart talking.)
Oh well. The one convenient thing is that I strongly tend toward inaction. I can't get in trouble if I don't respond, and that takes action. I think of the money. That also helps me get in the right mind set. I need to dump assets. What a mess I have gotten myself into. Maybe if I go out with an escort or two, that will clear my head and I will be better able to get my self in line. (Yes, I am sure I fell for that reasoning on many prior occasions. Let's hope and pray that I won't do so again.)
Ok, well between the last paragraph and this one I snuck (sneaked?) off on another browser tab to find the measurements of Linda, my most recent escort. I was thinking of buying a gift for her. Of course if I did that then I would just have to see her, to give her the gift, of course. Silly man. Cunning heart. I told you it was good at getting what it wants. The mind needs to be stronger.
On a good note I worked out again today, for the 3rd time in as many days. Sounds good until you understand that is also the 3rd time in 10 days. Oh well, be happy for the small successes. I was jamming nuts in my mouth on the way to the Gym. I wanted to stave off that desperate feeling when the blood sugar gets so very low as had happened the day before. Man that felt bad. So I bought nuts and a salad and a couple of apples. That really made a difference.
Oh well I gg. Bye for now.
Friday
OK, so here's the latest. My kid comes stumbling in at 3:00 AM and he's been out drinking with his buddies in JAX. They are a bad influence of course, but I couldn't get mad 'cause I'm thinking about doing the same thing. So we talked a little bit and I told her what she did was a mistake, but that I make mistakes too. So I walked away from that conversation with the notion that, yea, the mind's going to win this round.
So I get at work and a new AP advert comes in my email. Start looking and lo and behold I'm buying the nickers to finish out a set that I had bought for my current favorite escort. Now who's winning?
Monday
So I had my study with the Deacon. I mentioned that I have done a lot of bad things. He starts asking questions, I answer (what good does it do to hide) and now I am in the sh*t again. Another committee probably. They are supposed to talk to me on Tuesday evening to see if they need to form a committee. And here we go again. That just sapped my strength on Sunday PM. Nothing left after that. So again, I could get the boot. Like before I simply have no idea how the deacons are going to react to this. They could say, that's it! If we had known about this we would have df'd him a couple of months ago. On the other hand they may see this as another issue that has to be judged separately. Fortunately I didn't actually commit fornication, I just got close to it. They seem to think that staying overnight is a big deal. Like a really big deal. So since I did that several times, I could see it being enough (in combination with the near ess eee cross) to give me the boot.
Of course, like before I hope it doesn't come to that. It just seems like I am so close to the edge lately. Now I am on this precipice again and I think I might go over this time. Last time I thought I had a 55% chance of not getting the boot. Now I think the probability is 45%. I think they are all going to get together and say, holy cow, what is it with this guy.
The same notions are spilling out of my mind again, well, what if I get df'd. Would I start accepting additional services from the escorts? Probably, but that would not be my best self. I would want to do better. Same as before. So here I am waiting for the boot again. Lovely place to be. For cryin' out loud. This is certainly the sh*t again.
No comments:
Post a Comment