I have an appointment with my doctor this afternoon. This is the psychiatrist who gets to give me drugs. I'm using this stuff called Effexor(sp?) rather than the Zoloft generic. She thought it might be more effective. I am not happy with it. It comes in a capsule that makes me just a tiny bit nauseous. I figured it would go away after a while but it hasn't. And it doesn't have the effect of suppressing my ess eee cross ual appetite. I want that, I suppose I can deal without it, but why not get it if I can.
I continue to look at escorts wanting and wishing I could go out with someone. It is simply not sustainable. I still want it badly and I may just do it anyway. I know I would if Lilly came to town. I like the freedom to talk about anything I want without being judged for my proclivities. Oh, and being out with a beautiful woman is its own reward. Interestingly I am trying to put together a home theater system and the components are, of course expensive. Some are about the same price as taking out an escort of the sort I employ. Now I come face to face with the real cost of this activity as I shell out similar amounts for electronics. I ask myself, is a date worth the price of a big screen TV? Oh my goodness, how can someone not give pause to such a query. Especially since i don't own a TV in this home.
Then i sit alone in the bathroom looking at images of my favorite escorts. Reviewing their web pages that haven't changed in months hoping that there is some new little bit of information about them. Looking for new escorts I'd be willing to go out with. When I find one, I look up as much information as I can find about her. Trying to get to know her from the internet. Dreaming about going out with them. But it always comes down to cost. I am not a wealthy man. My finances are a mess. I hate what is happening here. I need companionship, I don't fret over the money I spent on previous escorts. And I so badly want to do it again. Oh well. what else am I going to do.
Its Friday.
The day begins again and again there are new excuses as to why I'm not going in to work out. Crap. One work out this week. How pathetic. Nothing to do but start fresh next week. I have that thing for my cousin tomorrow. Long trip, party with people I don't know. Long trip home. It won't be much fun, but it will be good experience in people interaction.
I have suddenly been thinking about sex a lot. I don't know why and it is sudden. Started this week and it is very typical visualizations. Me with a beautiful woman. Interesting because it rose so suddenly. I am usually thinking about it one way or another all the time. Come to think of it it started after I had worked out only 1 day in the last 5 days. Interesting, I don't work out and the thoughts of sex come back to flood the brain. In other words, I if I don't want to be bothered with sexual thoughts, just work out daily. Interesting discovery.
I will get some chemical help soon. I'm going back to Zoloft. It suppresses the appetite (sexual appetite.) Dang, with that and working out (if I can get my *ss back to the gym) I should be ready for judgement day. Just Kidding! I have to fix the issue with fs first and then probably a bunch of things that I hardly know about.
Honestly, I feel like I am starting to come out of the Depression. I hope I get back to normal but I am a long way from it. I really miss having adult human association. I miss adult human female romantic association. Sometimes I feel like I just have to reach out and find a way to satisfy that need, hence the escorts. The cost is simply unsustainable. While I can come up with cash in that quantity, I need to spend it on a new roof, painting the house, cleaning the inside, and so on and so forth.
I feel sad now. This weekend isn't my own. I have to go with my brother to my cousin's place. Yawn. But I like him. He is a really nice guy, I just don't know him hardly at all.
So I went to this retirement party, lo and behold it was great. People were interesting to talk to and it was relatively easy for me to strike up a conversation. There were about 50 people there and there were 2 bands, playing sequentially. The food was good and such.
Monday
I kept largely to the driving schedule, but I faked out on the meeting on Sunday and my bible study that was supposed to happen after the meeting. Another miss. I am sure it was because I was watching some sexually explicit Showtime TV. In other words I was raking fire into my chest. And surely I was burned. I continue to think about renting another date. I have decided on a person and am waiting for me to work up the courage (or stupidity) to make and keep an appointment. Her reviews are outstanding and price is lower than expected for such quality.
It is interesting to watch my heart struggle against my mind. I know this is a bad idea bur my heart keeps me looking at her web site. Eventually I will cave in to my heart's desire. Sometimes I do and sometimes I don't. I know that if Linda were to show up I would probably cave. If Lilly showed up I would definitely cave. The interesting thing is that I resist for the wrong reason. I look at the cost and realize what I could buy with that money. That's probably the biggest thing that blocks. I will never have this kind of truly disposable income. I don't remember what figure I gave before but I think it was somewhere around 30 million USD. After tax and IRS and discounting for cashing out I'd probably be left with about 8 million. Enough for 2 nice homes a vehicle and to live off the interest. Then there would be a fair test of my loyalty. Would I actually serve God in that situation? Again, who knows? Well God certainly knows, if he wants to. I don't. But I have to get better. Study meetings prayer and service. That's what it takes. I only have meetings mostly under control. Even prayer, the easiest one, is out of control. Mostly I am not doing it. *Sigh* I hate this. And what is left is this hole in my heart that going on a date with a beautiful woman would fill temporarily. But at tremendous cost that I cannot afford.
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