Last week was a bit of a wreck.
In spite of early optimism it is looking like they are going to form a formal review committee to decide if they will boot me out. This is not good news. The original dude I talked to had to get another guy to back him up and "hear" the case again. Of course there wasn't any new information about the nrop but I did tell them about the rent-a-date situation. Surprisingly, they were not nearly as freaked out about it as I thought they might be. Of course I did not use the terms prostitute, escort or call girl. If asked I would tell them that this is a "paid companion" and if pressed further I would admit that the individuals are almost surely paid for sex in other encounters. But that only has to do with their other encounters and nothing to do with me.
So the net effect is that I am going to sit for another two weeks minimum wondering if I am going to get kicked out. This week they will meet on Thursday to determine if there actually will be a "hearing." I know that the answer to that is almost surely yes. But it will take a meeting for them to come to that conclusion. Next they have to schedule a meeting with me to have the formal hearing. Since the big cheese is coming to town that will probably be next week.
Now once they meet with you they tell you that day what the judgement is. So If I'm getting kicked out I'll know right then unless I tried to appeal. I have not nearly the adequate amount of information to form an opinion of the likelihood of success in an appeal, however given the chummy feeling among the elder bodies, I suspect that the vast majority of appellate decisions are unfavorable for the one making the appeal.
So I am in the sh*t again. If they kick me out it will be really bad for my relatives. I don't think I could ever face them again. I really hate what I have become. There is just no redeeming me in this situation. I have done what I have done and I can't undo it.
If I do get kicked out I believe I will do the escort thing (full service this time) for a couple of rounds, Then do the internet dating a few times and then try to get back into the organization. That is now the course I would want to do. I would want to just continue to try to do what God wants and then eventually get back in. That would be what I would want to see myself do. but I know that it is very unlikely to happen this way. There is just so much wickedness in my bones.
So it is a few days later and 2 (count 'em 2) days before I know if I am getting the boot. They sent me stuff to read: a bible chapter and 2 paragraphs from an old wt saying basically don't date unless you are thinking of marrying the person you are dating. The bible chapter is a Psalm where the writer is going on about how God knows the details of us and how much the writer hates what God hates. The one about dating is obvious since I said I did the rent-a-date thing. The one about hating what God hates since I obviously don't hate nrop. The one about how well God knows us is probably not really what they want me to focus on.
So the big cheese is in town this week and I am a little surprised the Deacons chose to meet yet this week since it is a big deal for them to take the time out to hold this meeting when so much else for them is going on at the same time. I am sure it is just the thing of not wanting this issue just hangin' out there when he shows up. They probably just went to look like they are attacking the problem, even though it has been hangin' out there nearly 8 weeks already. No matter. I suppose I am just looking for something or someone (other than me) to blame right now.
Giving me stuff to read may be their way of proving that I should be kicked out or maybe their way of providing meaningful assistance. I am 55/45 that I will [stay in]/[get booted out of] the congregation. It iss an obvious toss-up. I know I have to say I am sorry for disrespecting God and will try to remember to do that. (That is not a lie.) They will probably try to get me to say lot of other things but I have sort of decided not to complain about anything or anyone. Definitely not defend my actions. I imaging myself saying "That was a mistake" and "I should just try harder" quite a lot. I really hate waiting for the sword to fall. Will it cut off my hands or my head. Alternatively it could just give me a close shave. Really though, I almost expect to be missing (a) body part(s) by midnight tomorrow. I am no totally freaking out now but I feel it close beneath my skin.
Inevitably since I first felt the anticipation of falling outside the congregation I still wonder what I would do. I'm not going to spend too much energy on that one since a) if it happens I'll have plenty of time to decide and b) I might get so excite by the possibilities that I bend responses to make that possible outcome a reality.
Of course the thing that is I really want to say is "I told you I was looking at nrop on at least 4 separate occasions. Why did you not choose to let me know that this is a df'in' offence until now? I suppose I know the answer. The society didn't label it as such until 2013 or so.
In retrospect I think I should have got on the drugs and stayed on them. They solve the nrop problem by dropping the desire so much I didn't even think about it. They could have also helped me with all the other problems i am having. This may be one of those moments where drugs are the answer to my prayers. Take them early, often, consistently and regularly and so many of these issues will likely just melt away.
What a jerk I really am for not doing something about this sooner. And really, who knows if I am really going to do something now?
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