No Boot, Crap!

So the decision was rendered.  I am censured again but not kicked out.

And the overwhelming feeling?  Relief?  Joy?  Gladness?  Gratefulness?  No.  Unfortunately it is anger.  I really think that a large part of me wanted to be rid of the burden of  being in this church.  The next day I binge watched bad TV full of violence and fornication (but not the X crap that got me almost kicked out.)  What does God think of this?  Well he knew what was there when he let me stay in.  I didn't try to pull any punches and I didn't lie (knowingly) this time.

The anger is real though.  My kid noticed that I was angry all weekend.  Nothing much else to be said about that.  It is like Satan had me by the jersey and it tore away, but part of it is still attached.  I can be sure that he will continue to pull at fabric still attached.  the play isn't over until Armageddon and he is still pulling.

So one of the Deacons met with me again Sunday and are pushing me to do more with the church.  I agreed but reluctantly.  I hate the bind this puts me in but I can't get out of it.  I chose God and this is one of his requirements.  I hope I can make that anger go away (metaphorically removing the jersey.)

I also need to learn to pray more.  As noted earlier (ad nausium) there are many things of which I need to do more.  I had better start praying soon If I am going to get my posterior out in service a week and a half from now.

I worked out for the 3rd time in 4 days.  I hope this is the start of a good trend and not just a fake-out flash in the pan.

Work is difficult.  I have to listen to music to get anything done.  With going to meetings and such I have less time to devote to work and the mental distraction of depression is taking a serious toll on my productivity again.  I reached out to my Psychiatrist but the little bitch she uses to do her scheduling is so slow to respond, I think it will take several days just to get the damn thing scheduled and then, of course there will be the traditional 3 week wait for the first availability.  It looks like she may have moved out of the super convenient location she once occupied.  Shit!

I can feel myself sinking into the self hate characteristic of my depressive cycles.  I had a lot of trouble getting to the meeting yesterday.  I so very much did not want to go.  Largely because of wanting to set some kind of not so bad example for my kid, I went anyway.  I was so awfully sleepy though.  I am determined to get back on the pills, the exercise, the talk therapy, intelligent eating choices and, probably most importantly the prayer to try and pull out of this tail spin that I am in.   I expect this to end like all the other attempts, but I can't stop trying.  I hate my existing life just so damn much.

Oh, and I guess I need to stop cussin' so much too.