Moving Me Down the Highway

Today, this is going to be about moving on.  I reached out to my congregation for help and they don't have time for me.  I have reviewed my life and found that I have demonstrated a lack of love for God.  I believe in Him and know that He exists.  No question.  I see by my actions that I don't love him enough to do his will and follow his commands.  He will kill me for this, as well as I can know.  But the point here is stop wallowing in my shame and desire to be a different person.  I don't love God so all I have now is the time between now and the GT to enjoy what I can of life.

Maximum enjoyment comes from doing God's will, but what is second?  H2IK; so let's guess.  I love women, sex and closeness.  There is nothing in the world more beautiful than a well kept woman's body.  I am in awe of it regularly.  So, I want to be close to a woman.  I want to learn to love and care for them in a way that makes them feel special.  I want to be an important or at least notable figure in a woman's life, or perhaps on behalf of many such.

My ex-wife taught me to be a much better lover.  She showed me the importance of patience.  I learned to enjoy kissing for a long time before moving on to other erogenous zones.  She showed me how to touch her in a way that brings excitement without moving too quickly to maximize my own senses leaving her behind.  We enjoyed many different forms of pleasure stopping short of a Ménage à trois, though not for lack of trying at least a little.

So I am grateful to her for that education.  It has been nearly impossible for me to move on since then because I am so poorly equipped socially.  I get completely tongue tied talking to women.  The more I am interested, the more nervous I get.  As the latter increases my apparent intelligence decreases.  I actually get stupid.  I can't think of things to say.  I can't respond intelligently and I loose my sense of humor.  While it is pathetic it is just who I am.

The only positive thing is the abundance of dating sites that allow social buffoons to refine their approach in writing before being tasked with the social challenge.  That suits me fine.  I can write, edit, rewrite, age, review and polish my communiques before initiating or responding to a conversation.  When I step on my virtual tongue, I can ignore that person and hope (within reason) to never see that individual again.  I am not completely without social grace.  So if I can determine some interest on the part of the other individual, the first direct contact may be OK actually.

It's worth a try anyway.  I'll let you know, dear reader, how I fare.