Never

Am I ready for "The Final Solution"?  I  guess not.  I'm still here right?  I haven't gone out to party city and I don't have a 'hood!

I feel like I am stewing in my own juices though.  I feel bad, sad and lonely all the time now.  There is nothing to look forward to.  It is all just trialsome refuse.  The world is losing all desire, except maybe for sex.  I have been toying with the idea of online dating.  However when this gal showed up on my match what was perfect.  I realized I couldn't sign up to see her because I wouldn't want to put my ugly broken self in front of her and say in effect, how about going out with me?

This chick was all I would have ever wanted. Smart successful pretty and, apparently, looking for someone interested in her.  The realization is that I have nothing to offer this woman.  I would be totally embarrassed present myself to her knowing what a lowlife bottomfeeder I have become.  I think any meeting would turn into another socially disastrous incident leading me to further seclusion over failed attempts to maintain any semblance of a social life.

I  hate what I have turned into.  I can't stand in front of anyone with my head up anymore.  I am totally ashamed of what I have become.  When I think of how I screwed things up with the escort earlier, it just reminds me again of what a total loss my life has become.  It is like there is no meaning left.  No sense of accomplishment or order.  All, everything fades into the same dull grey of insignificance.  Except it is significant and God,  by all of what I understand, will come along and kill me for my inaction in the face of knowledge about his will and purposes.  He is always right and knows how to decide these matters instantly, without the consideration that would otherwise be necessary with human judges.

So when the lightning strikes and I become a lifeless crispy critter, no one can rightly cry foul!  God made the call; he's always right.I am the screw-up here, the one who knows what to do and refuses to do so.  I know enough! Otherwise, God would give me some more information.  I certainly had enough to make the right decision out of High School.  What a different life I could have had.  One of purpose and service to God.  The best life possible.

Instead I spent my life serving myself.  Looking for ways to earn more money, honestly or otherwise.  Seeking my own greediness instead of seeking the interests of others.  Not raising my child correctly which led to his life spinning out of control.   Not to mention my ex-wife who is on her own mad spin, taking my son with her.

All was avoidable.  All was unnecessary, if only I had been more responsible, If only I had truly loved God and done his will.  So will I do the study, meetings prayer and service necessary to get myself back in line with what God expects?  Probably not.  I haven't in the 50+ years I have been alive on a long term and consistent basis.  Could I change?  I suppose so.  Will I change?  Probably not.  I have become an enemy of God.  One to be reserved for adverse judgement whenever the end comes.  And it isn't far off, relatively speaking.  Yes it could be a few seconds days minutes or decades from now.  But if I am found wanting when it does come, as would almost certainly be the case, I will die and God's will will be done without  me around to screw up anymore.

I wanted to be a part of God's new world, but I cannot see myself making it now.  It is like there is just so many barriers to entrance into that world.  I just can't seem to make it.  Never have, probably never will.  Never, Never, Never, Never, Never.