Man Overboard

Here we go again, it's showtime.  Time to pull my head up from the muck its been in for the past weekend and pretend to be a confident and poised leader of the team.  Can I pull it off for another day? Probably.  Can I keep it going indefinitely, probably not.  I am sinking too far, too fast to stay on my feet.

For what am I reaching out?  I need someone to talk to.  I am looking for a Match date or an escort.  One is extremely expensive, the other risks pain (myself and others) and rejection (myself mostly.)  I cannot continue on as I have though.  I will wind up dead at my own hand.  As I sink deeper, I find myself more and more disappointed in myself and I won't keep myself "above water" for long.

For now though, I just have to work.  I'll put Match the agenda for tonight and I can work up a profile.  I remember how poorly things went at True, but who knows, this one might be a little better.  I have to try something.  Otherwise I'm dead anyway.  I hate what I have sunk to.  Match will give me something to look forward to each day.  Who knows, it may work out fine, and I get the companionship I am looking for.  Maybe that will help me get my head on straight, and I can start to progress.

Of course I will probably fall away.  I am feeling unable to hang on if someone were to take some interest in me.  I think that I would probably just be a false Wit.  Stay separate from the congregation out of respect for their need to stay clean but avoiding the df badge to delay the pain of my relatives.  It would be consistent for me to go back whenever I can stand it again when I am ready to give it another rnn.  When will that be?  H2IK.  Will I make it? maybe, maybe not, probably not..  I have continued trending down in spite of fits and starts in the other direction.  However the overall trend is very clearly negative.  I have never reversed that trend for more than a few months and then in very special circumstances.

I am just dying.  I will be dead before long.  The world won't miss much.  I am no one, nothing, worthless and purposeless.  A good for nothing wart on the buttox of humanity.  I hate myself for this. I know I will be adversely judged and killed by God (as well as one can know these things.)  I can't help but be surprised about how little attention I've attracted from the board.  It is just as though they are to busy to notice I have fallen overboard.