Today, I don't know where I am going. I want to cut loose and go after the escort, dating site and just go after the gratification that I have always wanted but never sought in a definitive and organized fashion. It would work if I made it my goal. Then I would have to get formally kicked out until I come to my senses. Why go through all that? There simply isn't any good reason. I want the sex. I want the companionship. I want the comfort from another person to help me deal with the issues I have.
Will it ever come to pass? No. It is just another trap. I have no money, no food, no water, no air. Soon I will die. Do I die in Satan's service or do I die, acknowledging that God is the only one who deserves exclusive devotion. I suppose I can do so with my actions -- even though I am worthy of death, just one last act to show my thread of decency instead of my coat of stupidity. Not enough to satisfy God no doubt. But a personal statement that God had it right all along.
Die with the right understanding and vector pointed in the right direction, albeit too small to make a difference. I will put on my best and die pointing to God saying, "you had it right all along. I erred. I was wrong. I broke my life and that of others. I anticipate death at your hand, but it is deserved. I have failed myself, my family and most of all my God. You, I have failed. I accept my death. It is all that I deserve."
People sometimes say that God will help us do what we need to do. He will help those who choose to do his will. I chose poorly. I deserve nothing but what I anticipate for myself. Die you idiot, die.
I want to believe that this isn't really necessary. That somehow, someway I will reconnect, plug in and turn my life around. I have wasted a million opportunities to do so. Any moment could be the last one spent for myself instead of for my God. But I continue to serve my own interests. I am standing here without my rifle, looking death in the eye. Hoping it won't hurt too much. The terror is unwanted, unpleasant, and takes me back to the bad decisions I made that put me here:
1. I went to college
2. I worked for a company which gave me an schedule of moving every 2 years.
3. I went to work w/ SNP
4. I left MKE
5. I left SD
6. I joined the Q
7. I didn't study w/ EVM
I don't think I will think through all those things. I just will be alone, terrified, and praying sincerely for help reserved for those who did God's will. Death might be quick, or ugly, or terrifying. I might drown in the dark, burn or be tortured to death or maybe I'll think I am going to make it for a little while. And then I will die once I realize all that I have lost. I wish I controlled the switch. I do, actually, I am just unwilling to change. I am unwilling to put God first in my life and do his will now. That is what he requires. That is what I am unwilling to do consistently.
How to motivate myself to change? Same things again SMPS. How do you do those things without the initial motivation? H2IK. I guess that's the danger of Christian kids that don't go anywhere. They (we) get used to the Christian ideas and it is common expectation to live forever. From the outside it's a grand goal worth fighting for. For us it is the normal expectation, except that God won't give it to us if we don't do his will. So, now, how do we get to the point of realizing this in a material way. I don't, it still hasn't hit me right. There's just this notion out there that someway somehow, I'll make it. I hate this. I need help. I need someone to talk to. I want them to be nice. I can't really afford gorgeous but nice & decent, just pretty even if plain. I could fall in love with that. And then I would die. I just hate this. I can't find the door. The air is being evacuated. I will not make it. I'm crashing. "I am going down."
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