So I told the cheese on the board that I wasn't sick when I cancelled on them Sunday. He isn't communicating with me anymore.
I guess I really want to blame someone else for my own problems. I should go to the board, beg them for a hearing and throw myself on their mercy figuring that this is the only way to get back in
God's good graces. I won't go into the logic of why I have to go through men to get to God, but the logic's sound. I just don't care to get into that right now, although is is a valid question and it is normal and natural for you, dear reader, to ask.
This post is about me though; explaining to myself what I need to do to get out of this funk and get back to serving God, or at least making progress in that direction.
I am thinking back on the weekend before last. I have been kicking myself for the lack of productivity on the weekends since I get so little done. I thought it was my addiction to television as I would usually vegetate in front thereof for hours at a time most weekends. This time, for some reason, I decided I didn't want to watch TV so I left it off. I still sat around, laid around didn't do much of anything until sometime on Sunday. Then, for whatever reason (again,) I started being productive. Cleaning the kitchen picking up stuff. generally straightening as I normally would when I was my old self. It wasn't quite like it used to be since I was going along at a measured pace; I wasn't moving as quickly or working as efficiently as I could. I guess I was thinking that I shouldn't push it since I was being productively unexpectedly, and i didn't want to spoil the moment.
So I think that deep down inside I am thoroughly broken. It will take a long time to repair, and I just need to give myself some time to get well. Maybe I need to just patiently wait around like I did the weekend before last and know that at some point in time I will pick myself up and try again. But this is my life we are talking about. If God comes along at his "appointed time" to take care of things and finds me outside his organization picking daises and waiting for the mood to hit me, I might get hit with a proverbial bolt of lightning. That would be that, for all eternity. I suppose that if I really do just need time to heal, God would know that as well. So I better be quite certain of myself before I settle in to wait.
How does one check? Look up the information in the bible. Look for it in bible based publications. Trouble is, I can't find anywhere where it says to wait patiently until the mood hits and then you will be able to get back into the organization. It is always something like "time is of the essence", "the time is now!", etc. . . . I can't compete with that. I am off in the weeds making up things to justify my inaction. There has to be a way to light a fire within myself to do something that will move me ahead.
Is it friends? Bible speaks against friends who may pull you out of the organization.
Professional help? Doin' that, been doin' it for a while now.
Help from the board? Asked and it is painfully difficult to get it.
Mixing with the congregation? I might try it if I could stand to talk to someone. I feel like I have to beg them to speak to me now.
Try going to another congregation? I would still have the same issues until the board from this congregation approved of eliminating the last of the restrictions. Then the stain on my record would be lessened but what a nonpositive way to start out with a new group of people.
Also I am just not prepared for the volunteer activity needed. I have a long way to go to get ready. What do I need to get that underway? You guessed it, the same thing I need to do to ingratiate myself with this board and move forward. It all comes down to the same things: Study Meetings Prayer Service. All those things I have known for ages, but never seem to be able to do. I hate myself. I hate my life. I want the pain to stop, but there is so much work I need to do before the pain will go away.
What a trap Satan weaves. This one is good and tight. And while I am stuck in this trap there are other wild animals roving through this jungle. It is only a matter of time before one of them finds me stuck here, stalks, attacks and makes a meal out of me. Either that or the end comes and God takes care of me himself. What a situation. Why am I paralyzed? Why won't I do what I need to do? What do I need to do? I can't help myself. I hate what has happened. I hate myself, I want to leave these problems behind but I cannot. I am doomed to live out an empty life and die for my sins. I hate that. I hate it for my child. I hate it for my Father. I hate it for God himself. The one who gave me this life, who told me what I needed to do. Who gave and still gives me all the information necessary to fix this. And yet, I fail to do so.
What an awful, awful situation. No hope, no hope except the barest thread. Maybe there is something really wrong with me. Maybe I cannot do any better. Maybe this is really the best I can do. Maybe this is all just misguided thinking. I can't tell anymore. Maybe it is time to really seriously consider the final solution . . .
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