Suspicion

So in a few mins. I have to leave here and go to church.  I have to sit through a service as uncomfortable as ever, actually more so since I haven't been there in a while.  People are going to be looking (furtively) at me and saying:  "Look, there's Neilsonne!  I haven't seen him in a long time.  He never comes to church anymore"

I have a board meeting tonight, sounds impressive but it as every bit as humiliating as serving on a Fortune 500 corporate board would be exhilarating.  They say they want to help but they act like I am a pariah.

OK, so I am back now from this meet-up.  It was supposed to be after the regular evening service.  Then the top dog comes up to me and says he just needs to figure out what time to meet.  What??:!!  Dude!  we could have worked that out over, the phone, by email, via text , snail-mail even.  I suppose at least I got to go to a service that I otherwise wouldn't have gone to.

Really though, these guys live on a different planet.  They don't think like me at all.  For cryin' out loud, they are the ones doing far better than me spiritually speaking.  And they can't remember a meeting set up just 3 months in advance.  I guess they never got around to putting it on their calendars.

I complain about them, find fault with them, create fault where there probably is none.  These are really nice people.  Why do I only see the negative.  I am cynical and suspicious of other people regularly.  So it has to be me.  It is just that it seems like every time I drop my defences and say OK, I am going to just throw myself on the mercy of these guys, it seems like I hit the ground with added force.  I can't think straight anymore; I am so low spiritually I can't trust my own thoughts.  So I have to get help, much as I hate it.

The meeting is set for this coming Sunday now.  We'll see if they remember.