The cheese on my board (board cheese? Hmmm -- sounds a bit stiff. Better than bored cheese I suppose. Not sure about bored cheese - as in penetrated like: with holes. Does this make it holy cheese? Hmmmm - where was I anyway) sent me a text today. It was a "c'mon you can do it, try to keep your head above water, read the bible, be positive, we don't have time for you this weekend" kind of message. The latter being the kernel of the message which, when read, let me know why he had sent anything at all.
Well, I suppose that's all I deserve, and all I need for that matter, or else God would have given me more. I am back looking at the escort to give it another try. I am struggling with several hundred just for the first meeting. I just don't see any other option that I would be willing to do at this point. It is like I am stuck. It is the only thing I keep coming back to. When it was "on," it was the only thing I was looking forward to.
There is something incredibly ego-boosting about going out with a gorgeous gal. It is deflating when you have to pay for it, but is still retains a lot of utility. Worth the cost, no, probably not. But would I do it anyway? Oh yea, hell yea. I don't know how much longer I can keep myself at bay, to be honest. I looked at the daily scripture that I read about 5% of most days. (that is I read it 5% of the time, not that I only read a very small fraction of the scripture each day, for those of you who may have been confused) It is basically saying: If you are trying to serve God, then do that full bore. Don't get yourself involved in other useless nonsense that doesn't help you get the job done. Focus on God with as little other distraction as you can possibly manage.
That's good advice. I went to climb this mountain carrying my camera, video recorder, laptop, Personal flag, 10' flagpole, frozen dinners, microwave, and generator (of course), toothbrush, extra towels (and towel warmer), etc. . . . You get the idea. I wanted to serve God while I was in High School but then I decided to go to College, and then get a good job, and then get a car, house, furniture, yard, stuff, and so on. Never realizing that I was raping my spirituality with all this other garbage. Now I got it all and I hate it. I hate that this is how I spent my time. What a waste.
I just can't break free. I can't make myself throw it away. I am bound to this stuff like I have it tied to a rope around my waist. I can't go anywhere without dragging it around. I wish I could just jettison the whole bundle, but life doesn't work like that. Why can't the board help? I don't know. Why doesn't God help? He has, I just don't want to do what he says I have to do. I don't hear his voice. Of course I am sure that if I look closely at myself I will find my index fingers firmly planted in their respective ear canals. What an idiot I have become; and it is all my own doing. I could have done better, but I choose to listen to myself instead of God. Then I showed my child this way of life and he imitated the worst of me.
It seems like hedonism is the best route for me. I can't make it back to God. I tried and failed too many times to think that something is going to be different now. I am no stronger, better, more thoughtful or spiritual than I ever was. I am just the same selfish bastard I always was, only worse for the years of refuse through which I have been dragged by all the wrong headed decisions I made in my life. I wish I could just fade to black, (well I am black already but that's not what I meant.) I would like to believe, that I could do better, that I could find a way to improve to be a good servant of God, but it isn't happening. The run up until about March was the last and best effort I had made. many months of study meetings prayer and working toward service, and it all fell apart. I didn't keep it up. I couldn't / didn't catch fire and the battery ran dead.
I feel like I am waiting to recharge but, the contacts are getting shorted out as I get submerged in water. it's up to my neck. Before long I will have to tilt my head back and stand on my toes to breath. I hear that if you breathe the water in sharply, you don't suffer as long. I have no idea if it is true. I'm goin' home and will add $$ to this letter I wrote and post it. I will feel happy for a little while. I will have something to look forward to. A possible meeting with a gorgeous gal. The only thing I have really looked forward to in a long time.
And then I'm going to send my pic and $$ to match and surf for a date. It's all there is left. I have abandoned God. Now he has left me to wallow in my own muck. I have brought this on myself. I am responsible for this madness. I have done this to myself. I am responsible. I did this. I will pay for my mistakes. I will pay with my life.
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