Reentry

So where am I now.  My favorite escort (Grace), about whom I was effusing so much hasn't responded to a polite note from me indicating, "hey, I had a great time last night."  It could be because I didn't tip.  That wasn't really intentional since I didn't know exactly what in terms of consideration was expected.  I provided a worst case amount but no extra since it could have been less  than anticipated.

The other escort I was setting up with determined she would rather be in the Bahamas on a luxury yacht than sipping drinks with moi.  She cancelled on Thursday leaving me holding the hotel room bag for Thursday and Friday of the long weekend.   Of course, typical pathetic situation for "little 'ole me.  Hmmm let's see, a luxury yacht in the Bahamas or 2 hours with a new john in DC.   Not a hard choice.

It is probably for the best though.  That is a lot of money to spend on an evening, and again, I don't know this woman.  She could be very unpleasant.  I thought I would get involved with another person as a way of keeping myself from becoming too attached.  However given the fact that Grace lives in Seattle and visits DC once every few months, no additional measures may be needed
.  I have signed up for Speed Dating  per her recommendation.  If I really push myself to get involved in other social activities (or even just Speed Dating on a regular basis,) I should be distracted enough to avoid loss of consciousness such as what I experienced on my first date with Grace.

She is such a wonderful date that I simply cannot imagine being with someone so great on a regular basis.  However she can also help me avoid settling for something less than what I need.  I am a little perplexed regarding Grace.  I really anticipated a response to my last note to her.  I am worried she may realize what a damaged person I am and wants nothing further to do with me.  Time will tell I suppose.  She indicated she will be back in the September time frame.  "When will we know?" If November rolls around and I have no "Gracious" contact.

That's a long time between now and then.  Hell, armageddon could come in that time frame.  I suppose I can always hope (unless armageddon pops up first.)

O What an Escort

Anyone reading this from early on knows I have been entertaining the idea of talking to an escort for some time.  Earlier posts chronicle the frustration with connecting with Avery Moore and how, through much fault of my own, I fumbled that chance.  After going for weeks and months trying to figure out if I really wanted to do this I reached out to 3 escorts earlier this week.  Lillian was visiting the BWI area and was able to make arrangements to see me with little more than 24 hours advance notice.  She is from the west coast and was visiting the area.  I was enthralled by her web site and had to set something up quickly as she was only in town briefly.  We connected yesterday.

I cannot imagine a more thoroughly enjoyable evening.  We talked and talked about who she is, who I am, how she could help me and how I could help myself.  I was surprised that she had actually taken the time to come up with a couple of suggestions:  "Speed Dating" and "Its Just Lunch" to help me deal with my situation.  This was one of the earliest suggestions she made and it is interesting to note that neither of these suggestions were of benefit to her.  She also spent a good bit of time helping me to realize that however our relationship progressed, I needed to keep in mind that I was her client (unspoken: not her boyfriend.)

This woman's perceptive powers are simply amazing.  I could see her sizing me up when we first met and then it was almost like she instantly and instinctively knew how to deal with me in a kind and yet very respectful way.  I felt like  I had fallen into the hands of a gentle person who knew how to help without humiliating me due to my lack of social skill.  She also, amazingly, seemed to want to help me not soak me for all I was worth.  One small example, before our date I realized that there were 3 categories into which our interaction could fall.  I presented my question to her via email after the final logistics were set.  Amazingly she indicated that, in her mind the least expensive category is appropriate.  Further, she mentally waived the 2 hour minimum stated on her web site.   I had provided compensation according to this however as we wound down to the end of the date she mentioned that she  that we had gone far "overtime" but that she was OK with it.  When I mentioned that I had seen and adjusted for the 2 hour minimum, she was genuinely surprised and  thankful.

I don't know how long it has been since someone treated me so selflessly.  There are so many details I noted and appreciated.  (Quickly, she made a point of saying that if this never went any further she would have good memories of this interaction and would think of me kindly going forward.)  However suffice it to say that, while this was and will be a professional/client relationship, I feel like I am in the hands of a warm and loving individual.

The biggest issue I will have with her is to avoid falling in love -- the very thing she cautioned me about.  I have some ideas on how to manage that.  I will need to take deliberate and decisive steps, but I have a plan.

I wonder where this is going.  She mentioned that there is an obvious next level that we could go to.  While I would like to move to a more intimate setting next time, I have a need to touch, but the mental interaction is the really exciting part.  I found myself wanting to share with her, but not in a sexual way, more in terms of snuggling, holding kind of thing that transmits intimacy without words.  Sex is such a powerful thing, I don't want to move there and mess up what groundwork is already laid.  Maybe we will go there one day, but not next time, probably not the time after that and maybe never.  That won't mean our interaction is unsuccessful, just that a sexual relationship may not be a part of the healing process.  I'd almost rather it not be because sex can be such a perception bending experience.  I want to absorb our interaction with complete mental clarity.

There are a lot of places I would like to take our next encounter:

1. How do I look; is there something I can do to make myself more attractive and give any potential new relationship a spark?
2. What specific things can I work on to be more successful with women?  She already mentioned that I really need more practice.  Sitting in a restaurant across from such a beautiful woman was/is such an ego boost, I feel like I am already off  to a good start.  Not to say that I don't have a long way to go, but I sure like the feel of this launch.
3. How should I prepare myself for a real date?  
4. What can I do when the conversation lags?
5. What can I do to help me calm my nerves since I am attracted to very beautiful women, but at the same time they make me so very nervous?
6. How can I tell if a woman is interested in me and ready to move to a more intimate relationship?
1. How do they signal a readiness for additional intimacy?
7. I am hugely curious about her New Zeland life, (I've never been; what's it like, etc.  .  .  .)

When we were getting ready to leave she hugged me.  Not the quick perfunctory hug, but a lingering hug, not inappropriate for a public setting but clearly full of expression and a real desire to impart warmth and genuineness.  She wasn't trying to secure another date by being overly sexual, but she clearly wasn't holding back emotional connection.  Just prior she came up close and adjusted the lapels on my jacket, something I had seen on TV thousands of times, but never actually felt.  I know this sounds silly, but it was just magical that a woman of such beauty, intelligence and insight would treat me so kindly.

I just emailed my ex-wife.  I hope to be able to talk about this over lunch.

Moving Me Down the Highway

Today, this is going to be about moving on.  I reached out to my congregation for help and they don't have time for me.  I have reviewed my life and found that I have demonstrated a lack of love for God.  I believe in Him and know that He exists.  No question.  I see by my actions that I don't love him enough to do his will and follow his commands.  He will kill me for this, as well as I can know.  But the point here is stop wallowing in my shame and desire to be a different person.  I don't love God so all I have now is the time between now and the GT to enjoy what I can of life.

Maximum enjoyment comes from doing God's will, but what is second?  H2IK; so let's guess.  I love women, sex and closeness.  There is nothing in the world more beautiful than a well kept woman's body.  I am in awe of it regularly.  So, I want to be close to a woman.  I want to learn to love and care for them in a way that makes them feel special.  I want to be an important or at least notable figure in a woman's life, or perhaps on behalf of many such.

My ex-wife taught me to be a much better lover.  She showed me the importance of patience.  I learned to enjoy kissing for a long time before moving on to other erogenous zones.  She showed me how to touch her in a way that brings excitement without moving too quickly to maximize my own senses leaving her behind.  We enjoyed many different forms of pleasure stopping short of a Ménage à trois, though not for lack of trying at least a little.

So I am grateful to her for that education.  It has been nearly impossible for me to move on since then because I am so poorly equipped socially.  I get completely tongue tied talking to women.  The more I am interested, the more nervous I get.  As the latter increases my apparent intelligence decreases.  I actually get stupid.  I can't think of things to say.  I can't respond intelligently and I loose my sense of humor.  While it is pathetic it is just who I am.

The only positive thing is the abundance of dating sites that allow social buffoons to refine their approach in writing before being tasked with the social challenge.  That suits me fine.  I can write, edit, rewrite, age, review and polish my communiques before initiating or responding to a conversation.  When I step on my virtual tongue, I can ignore that person and hope (within reason) to never see that individual again.  I am not completely without social grace.  So if I can determine some interest on the part of the other individual, the first direct contact may be OK actually.

It's worth a try anyway.  I'll let you know, dear reader, how I fare.

Man Overboard

Here we go again, it's showtime.  Time to pull my head up from the muck its been in for the past weekend and pretend to be a confident and poised leader of the team.  Can I pull it off for another day? Probably.  Can I keep it going indefinitely, probably not.  I am sinking too far, too fast to stay on my feet.

For what am I reaching out?  I need someone to talk to.  I am looking for a Match date or an escort.  One is extremely expensive, the other risks pain (myself and others) and rejection (myself mostly.)  I cannot continue on as I have though.  I will wind up dead at my own hand.  As I sink deeper, I find myself more and more disappointed in myself and I won't keep myself "above water" for long.

For now though, I just have to work.  I'll put Match the agenda for tonight and I can work up a profile.  I remember how poorly things went at True, but who knows, this one might be a little better.  I have to try something.  Otherwise I'm dead anyway.  I hate what I have sunk to.  Match will give me something to look forward to each day.  Who knows, it may work out fine, and I get the companionship I am looking for.  Maybe that will help me get my head on straight, and I can start to progress.

Of course I will probably fall away.  I am feeling unable to hang on if someone were to take some interest in me.  I think that I would probably just be a false Wit.  Stay separate from the congregation out of respect for their need to stay clean but avoiding the df badge to delay the pain of my relatives.  It would be consistent for me to go back whenever I can stand it again when I am ready to give it another rnn.  When will that be?  H2IK.  Will I make it? maybe, maybe not, probably not..  I have continued trending down in spite of fits and starts in the other direction.  However the overall trend is very clearly negative.  I have never reversed that trend for more than a few months and then in very special circumstances.

I am just dying.  I will be dead before long.  The world won't miss much.  I am no one, nothing, worthless and purposeless.  A good for nothing wart on the buttox of humanity.  I hate myself for this. I know I will be adversely judged and killed by God (as well as one can know these things.)  I can't help but be surprised about how little attention I've attracted from the board.  It is just as though they are to busy to notice I have fallen overboard.

Decision Point

Today, I don't know where I am going.  I want to cut loose and go after the escort, dating site and just go after the gratification that I have always wanted but never sought in a definitive and organized fashion.  It would work if I made it my goal.  Then I would have to get formally kicked out until I come to my senses.  Why go through all that?  There simply isn't any good reason.  I want the sex.  I want the companionship.  I want the comfort from another person to help me deal with the issues I have.

Will it ever come to pass?  No.  It is just another trap.  I have no money, no food, no water, no air.  Soon I will die.  Do I die in Satan's service or do I die, acknowledging that God is the only one who deserves exclusive devotion.  I suppose I can do so with my actions -- even though I am worthy of death, just one last act to show my thread of decency instead of my coat of stupidity.  Not enough to satisfy God no doubt.  But a personal statement that God had it right all along.

Die with the right understanding and vector pointed in the right direction, albeit too small to make a difference.  I will put on my best and die pointing to God saying, "you had it right all along.  I erred.  I was wrong.  I broke my life and that of others.  I anticipate death at your hand, but it is deserved.  I have failed myself, my family and most of all my God.  You, I have failed.  I accept my death.  It is all that I deserve."

People sometimes say that God will help us do what we need to do.  He will help those who choose to do his will.  I chose poorly.  I deserve nothing but what I anticipate for myself.  Die you idiot, die.

I want to believe that this isn't really necessary.  That somehow, someway I will reconnect, plug in and turn my life around.  I have wasted a million opportunities to do so.  Any moment could be the last one spent for myself instead of for my God.  But I continue to serve my own interests.  I am standing here without my rifle, looking death in the eye.  Hoping it won't hurt too much.  The terror is unwanted, unpleasant, and takes me back to the bad decisions I made that put me here:

1. I went to college
2. I worked for a company which gave me an schedule of moving every 2 years.
3. I went to work w/ SNP
4. I left MKE
5. I left SD
6. I joined the Q
7. I didn't study w/ EVM

I don't think I will think through all those things.  I just will be alone, terrified, and praying sincerely for help reserved for those who did God's will.  Death might be quick, or ugly, or terrifying.  I might drown in the dark, burn or be tortured to death or maybe I'll think I am going to make it for a little while.  And then I will die once I realize all that I have lost.  I wish I controlled the switch.  I do, actually, I am just unwilling to change.  I am unwilling to put God first in my life and do his will now.  That is what he requires.  That is what I am unwilling to do consistently.

How to motivate myself to change?  Same things again SMPS.  How do you do those things without the initial motivation?  H2IK.  I guess that's the danger of Christian kids that don't go anywhere.  They (we) get used to the Christian ideas and it is common expectation to live forever.  From the outside it's a grand goal worth fighting for.  For us it is the normal expectation, except that God won't give it to us if we don't do his will.  So, now, how do we get to the point of realizing this in a material way.  I don't, it still hasn't hit me right.  There's just this notion out there  that someway somehow, I'll make it.  I hate this.  I need help.  I need someone to talk to.  I want them to be nice.  I can't really afford gorgeous but nice & decent, just pretty even if plain.  I could fall in love with that.  And then I would die.  I just hate this.  I can't find the door.  The air is being evacuated.  I will not make it.  I'm crashing. "I am going down."

Dead Battery

The cheese on my board (board cheese?  Hmmm -- sounds a bit stiff.  Better than bored cheese I suppose.  Not sure about bored cheese - as in penetrated like:  with holes.  Does this make it holy cheese?  Hmmmm - where was I anyway) sent me a text today.  It was a "c'mon you can do it, try to keep your head above water, read the bible, be positive, we don't have time for you this weekend" kind of message.  The latter being the kernel of the message which, when read, let me know why he had sent anything at all.

Well, I suppose that's all I deserve, and all I need for that matter, or else God would have given me more.  I am back looking at the escort to give it another try.  I am struggling with several hundred just for the first meeting.  I just don't see any other option that I would be willing to do at this point.  It is like I am stuck.  It is the only thing I keep coming back to.  When it was "on," it was the only thing I was looking forward to.

There is something incredibly ego-boosting about going out with a gorgeous gal.  It is deflating when you have to pay for it, but is still retains a lot of utility.  Worth the cost, no, probably not.  But would I do it anyway?  Oh yea, hell yea.  I don't know how much longer I can keep myself at bay, to be honest.  I looked at the daily scripture that I read about 5% of most days.  (that is I read it 5% of the time, not that I only read a very small fraction of the scripture each day, for those of you who may have been confused) It is basically saying:  If you are trying to serve God, then do that full bore.  Don't get yourself involved in other useless nonsense that doesn't help you get the job done.  Focus on God with as little other distraction as you can possibly manage.

That's good advice.  I went to climb this mountain carrying my camera, video recorder, laptop, Personal flag, 10' flagpole, frozen dinners, microwave, and generator (of course), toothbrush, extra towels (and towel warmer), etc.  .  .  .  You get the idea.  I wanted to serve God while I was in High School but then I decided to go to College, and then get a good job, and then get a car, house, furniture, yard, stuff, and so on.  Never realizing that I was raping my spirituality with all this other garbage.  Now I got it all and I hate it.  I hate that this is how I spent my time.  What a waste.

I just can't break free.  I can't make myself throw it away.  I am bound to this stuff like I have it tied to a rope around my waist.  I can't go anywhere without dragging it around.  I wish I could just jettison the whole bundle,  but life doesn't work like that.  Why can't the board help?  I don't know.  Why doesn't God help?  He has, I just don't want to do what he says I have to do.  I don't hear his voice.  Of course I am sure that if I look closely at myself I will find my index fingers firmly planted in their respective ear canals.  What an idiot I have become; and it is all my own doing.  I could have done better, but I choose to listen to myself instead of God.  Then I showed my child this way of life and he imitated the worst of me.

It seems like hedonism is the best route for me.  I can't make it back to God.  I tried and failed too many times to think that something is going to be different now.  I am no stronger, better, more thoughtful or spiritual than I ever was.  I am just the same selfish bastard I always was, only worse for the years of refuse through which I have been dragged by all the wrong headed decisions I made in my life.  I wish I could just fade to black,  (well I am black already but that's not what I meant.)  I would like to believe, that I could do better, that I could find a way to improve to be a good servant of God,  but it isn't happening.  The run up until about March was the last and best effort I had made.  many months of study meetings prayer and working toward service, and it all fell apart.  I didn't keep it up.  I couldn't / didn't catch fire and the battery ran dead.

I feel like I am waiting to recharge but, the contacts are getting shorted out as I get submerged in water. it's up to my neck.  Before long I will have to tilt my head back and stand on my toes to breath.  I hear that if you breathe the water in sharply, you don't suffer as long.  I have no idea if it is true.  I'm goin' home and will add $$ to this letter I wrote and post it.  I will feel happy for a little while.  I will have something to look forward to.  A possible meeting with a gorgeous gal.  The only thing I have really looked forward to in a long time.

And  then I'm going to send my pic and $$ to match and surf for a date.  It's all  there is left.  I have abandoned God.  Now he has left me to wallow in my own muck.  I have brought this on myself.  I am responsible for this madness.  I have done this to myself.  I am responsible.  I did this.  I will pay for my mistakes.  I will pay with my life.

Never

Am I ready for "The Final Solution"?  I  guess not.  I'm still here right?  I haven't gone out to party city and I don't have a 'hood!

I feel like I am stewing in my own juices though.  I feel bad, sad and lonely all the time now.  There is nothing to look forward to.  It is all just trialsome refuse.  The world is losing all desire, except maybe for sex.  I have been toying with the idea of online dating.  However when this gal showed up on my match what was perfect.  I realized I couldn't sign up to see her because I wouldn't want to put my ugly broken self in front of her and say in effect, how about going out with me?

This chick was all I would have ever wanted. Smart successful pretty and, apparently, looking for someone interested in her.  The realization is that I have nothing to offer this woman.  I would be totally embarrassed present myself to her knowing what a lowlife bottomfeeder I have become.  I think any meeting would turn into another socially disastrous incident leading me to further seclusion over failed attempts to maintain any semblance of a social life.

I  hate what I have turned into.  I can't stand in front of anyone with my head up anymore.  I am totally ashamed of what I have become.  When I think of how I screwed things up with the escort earlier, it just reminds me again of what a total loss my life has become.  It is like there is no meaning left.  No sense of accomplishment or order.  All, everything fades into the same dull grey of insignificance.  Except it is significant and God,  by all of what I understand, will come along and kill me for my inaction in the face of knowledge about his will and purposes.  He is always right and knows how to decide these matters instantly, without the consideration that would otherwise be necessary with human judges.

So when the lightning strikes and I become a lifeless crispy critter, no one can rightly cry foul!  God made the call; he's always right.I am the screw-up here, the one who knows what to do and refuses to do so.  I know enough! Otherwise, God would give me some more information.  I certainly had enough to make the right decision out of High School.  What a different life I could have had.  One of purpose and service to God.  The best life possible.

Instead I spent my life serving myself.  Looking for ways to earn more money, honestly or otherwise.  Seeking my own greediness instead of seeking the interests of others.  Not raising my child correctly which led to his life spinning out of control.   Not to mention my ex-wife who is on her own mad spin, taking my son with her.

All was avoidable.  All was unnecessary, if only I had been more responsible, If only I had truly loved God and done his will.  So will I do the study, meetings prayer and service necessary to get myself back in line with what God expects?  Probably not.  I haven't in the 50+ years I have been alive on a long term and consistent basis.  Could I change?  I suppose so.  Will I change?  Probably not.  I have become an enemy of God.  One to be reserved for adverse judgement whenever the end comes.  And it isn't far off, relatively speaking.  Yes it could be a few seconds days minutes or decades from now.  But if I am found wanting when it does come, as would almost certainly be the case, I will die and God's will will be done without  me around to screw up anymore.

I wanted to be a part of God's new world, but I cannot see myself making it now.  It is like there is just so many barriers to entrance into that world.  I just can't seem to make it.  Never have, probably never will.  Never, Never, Never, Never, Never.

The Final Solution

So I told the cheese on the board that I wasn't sick when I cancelled on them Sunday.  He isn't communicating with me anymore.

I guess I really want to blame someone else for my own problems.  I should go to the board, beg them for a hearing and throw myself on their mercy figuring that this is the only way to get back in
God's good graces.  I won't go into the logic of why I have to go through men to get to God, but the logic's sound. I just don't care to get into that right now, although is is a valid question and it is normal and natural for you, dear reader, to ask.

This post is about me though; explaining to myself what I need to do to get out of this funk and get back to serving God, or at least making progress in that direction.

I am thinking back on the weekend before last.  I have been kicking myself for the lack of productivity on the weekends since I get so little done.  I thought it was my addiction to television as I would usually vegetate in front thereof for hours at a time most weekends.  This time, for some reason, I decided I didn't want to watch TV so I left it off.  I still sat around, laid around didn't do much of anything until sometime on Sunday.  Then, for whatever reason (again,) I started being productive.  Cleaning the kitchen picking up stuff.  generally straightening as I normally would when I was my old self.  It wasn't quite like it used to be since I was going along at a measured pace; I wasn't moving as quickly or working as efficiently as I could.  I guess I was thinking that I shouldn't push it since I was being productively unexpectedly, and i didn't want to spoil the moment.

So I think that deep down inside I am thoroughly broken.  It will take a long time to repair, and I just need to give myself some time to get well.    Maybe I need to just patiently wait around like I did the weekend before last and know that at some point in time I will pick myself up and try again.    But this is my life we are talking about.  If God comes along at his "appointed time" to take care of things and finds me outside his organization picking daises and waiting for the mood to hit me, I might get hit with a proverbial bolt of lightning.  That would be that, for all eternity.  I suppose that if I really do just need time to heal, God would know that as well.  So I better be quite certain of myself before I settle in to wait.

How does one check?  Look up the information in the bible.  Look for it in bible based publications.  Trouble is, I can't find anywhere where it says to wait patiently until the mood hits and then you will be able to get back into the organization.  It is always something like "time is of the essence", "the time is now!", etc.   .  .  .  I can't compete with that.  I am off in the weeds making up things to justify my inaction.  There has to be a way to light a fire within myself to do something that will move me ahead.

Is it friends?  Bible speaks against friends who may pull you out of the organization.
Professional help?  Doin' that, been doin' it for a while now.
Help from the board?  Asked and it is painfully difficult to get it.
Mixing with the congregation?  I might try it if I could stand to talk to someone.  I feel like I have to  beg them to speak to me now.
Try going to another congregation?  I would still have the same issues until the board from this congregation approved of eliminating the last of the restrictions.  Then the stain on my record would be lessened but what a nonpositive way to start out with a new group of people.

Also I am just not prepared for the volunteer activity needed.  I have a long way to go to get ready.  What do I need to get that underway?  You guessed it, the same thing I need to do to ingratiate myself with this board and move forward.  It all comes down to the same things:  Study Meetings Prayer Service.  All those things I have known for ages, but never seem to be able to do.  I hate myself.  I hate my life.  I want the pain to stop, but there is so much work I need to do before the pain will go away.

What a trap Satan weaves.  This one is good and tight.  And while I am stuck in this trap there are other wild animals roving through this jungle.  It is only a matter of time before one of them finds me stuck here, stalks, attacks and makes a meal out of me.  Either that or the end comes and God takes care of me himself.  What a situation.  Why am I paralyzed?  Why won't I do what I need to do?  What do I need to do?  I can't help myself.  I hate what has happened.  I hate myself,  I want to leave these problems behind but I cannot.  I am doomed to live out an empty life and die for my sins.  I hate that.  I hate it for my child.  I hate it for my Father.  I hate it for God himself.  The one who gave me this life, who told me what I needed to do.  Who gave and still gives me all the information necessary to fix this.  And yet, I fail to do so.

What an awful, awful situation.  No hope, no hope except the barest thread.  Maybe there is something really wrong with me.  Maybe I cannot do any better.  Maybe this is really the best I can do.  Maybe this is all just misguided thinking.  I can't tell anymore.  Maybe it is time to really seriously consider the final solution   .  .  .

Broken

Sunday rolled around and I was truly NOT READY to talk to the board.  I had gone to a soccer game the day before as part of a management retreat.  Lots of people around, didn't know most of them.  They all get up with their friends and talk up a storm.  One of the veeps came over and conversed briefly and stiffly.  Oh well, that was the best I could do.  I came home and (of course) watched some TV until 10:00 & then went to bed.

Sunday rolled around and I could not, not, not face those guys.  I didn't want to go to the service in a bad way either.  I considered showing up for the meeting but not for the service, but that too seemed like too much.  So this much delayed and often rescheduled approach to the board was delayed yet again, this time though by myself.  Amazingly enough, I was somewhat productive  I assembled some book cases that had arrived several days earlier
.  I also went out and bought and changed the battery in 2 of my wrist watches.  (For those new to this blog this is a big work day for me on any weekend or holiday.)  The goals I set for myself are so small I feel entirely pathetic.  It is like I will never be productive again.

I am broken!

Suspicion

So in a few mins. I have to leave here and go to church.  I have to sit through a service as uncomfortable as ever, actually more so since I haven't been there in a while.  People are going to be looking (furtively) at me and saying:  "Look, there's Neilsonne!  I haven't seen him in a long time.  He never comes to church anymore"

I have a board meeting tonight, sounds impressive but it as every bit as humiliating as serving on a Fortune 500 corporate board would be exhilarating.  They say they want to help but they act like I am a pariah.

OK, so I am back now from this meet-up.  It was supposed to be after the regular evening service.  Then the top dog comes up to me and says he just needs to figure out what time to meet.  What??:!!  Dude!  we could have worked that out over, the phone, by email, via text , snail-mail even.  I suppose at least I got to go to a service that I otherwise wouldn't have gone to.

Really though, these guys live on a different planet.  They don't think like me at all.  For cryin' out loud, they are the ones doing far better than me spiritually speaking.  And they can't remember a meeting set up just 3 months in advance.  I guess they never got around to putting it on their calendars.

I complain about them, find fault with them, create fault where there probably is none.  These are really nice people.  Why do I only see the negative.  I am cynical and suspicious of other people regularly.  So it has to be me.  It is just that it seems like every time I drop my defences and say OK, I am going to just throw myself on the mercy of these guys, it seems like I hit the ground with added force.  I can't think straight anymore; I am so low spiritually I can't trust my own thoughts.  So I have to get help, much as I hate it.

The meeting is set for this coming Sunday now.  We'll see if they remember.

Hedonist

So, all my life (at least most of it) I have believed in one God.  I studied about him since middle school and now I am an old man.  I have almost entirely removed myself from his congregation, for most of my life.  Now I am faced with the potential possibility that I may never make it back into a congregation.  I want to believe that I can.  However the reality is that I have never done his will consistently. A hedonist would say: "Eat, Drink and be Merry, for tomorrow you may die"  Interestingly, hedonists were not the super wild and rorty.  They realized that excessive partying results in hangovers and less fun in the long term.  So they were somewhat moderate, but still focused on living life to the full each day.


I wonder if that should be my new attitude.  The end of the world (as we know it) is coming.  I expect to be blown away when it comes around.  I have tried so many times to be a good church member and active in the congregation.  Being there would be a far better place than where I am now.  Maybe I should settle for a very distant second best.  A hedonistic lifestyle.

I wanted to be a good Christian, but I just can't seem to make it.

Empty Promise

So, almost all of my previous posts are generally just reports of how low I feel and why.  Let's see if I can come up with something more positive for this go-round.  Well, maybe at least neutral.

I bought lots of sh*t last month.  Trying to make myself feel better I suppose.  I just feel poorer now.  Some of the stuff has to be configured with other (new) components.  I haven't even opened the boxes.

Dang, and this was supposed to be a positive, or at least neutral post.

OK, well I got promoted from Supervisor to Superintendent.  That was great.  I still have to work 10 - 12 hours per day.  I got a small raise this year.  It just doesn't mean much anymore.  Don't get me wrong, I would rather be promoted than demoted, or laid off.  So I count this as a blessing.  It is just that I am not happy.

I have heard people say that family is everything.  Others place a high value on their friends.  I don't have that.  It is just me now, and I hate that.

On the other hand, why am I crying in my beer?  I don't live in the town recently ravaged by a mile wide tornado.  I don't have a terminal disease (that I know of.)  I have all my limbs and fingers,  Both my eyes work.  I live in one of the richest countries on the face of the planet.  I know who God is; but I have consistently declined to serve him.  The rest just doesn't mean anything.