I am just a dingy in the waters of life but I handle like a freighter, that is to say it is difficult to turn myself away from the wrong course; really it is hard to turn toward goodness in any form, except maybe very short term good like cake, relaxation or sex. I guess that is true for many people, but they are blessed (cursed?) by not knowing what the right course is. They are still blinded by others who tell them how well they are doing in the course they have chosen. Sometimes all they get is comradery of those of the same ilk. But this is not about them, it's about me.
I know better; it is clear what I should be doing - serving God. The reward is the best, the enjoyment of life is the best. I just can't seem to cross the chasm between my current life and the life that I should be leading.
Thinking further, I know that my life apart from the depression management drugs doesn't work right. I have to get back to the pill popping paradigm before I can return to normal. I have to see my analyst; I have to see my shrink. I am sick in the head and need the drugs to think and act rationally. I just have to find a way to get that done. I'll add it to the to-do list.
Oh, and serving God, I have to do that too. Let me add that to the list as well. And I can't forget about personal development, studying about management and technical topics, and scientific items. Of course there is also social development, I must squeeze that in. Oh and lest I forget there is also the studying needed to serve God - 10 hours a week minimum there. Of course I can't do all this without some physical training. So I need to sign up and start going to the gym again. And so you see dear reader, I am hopeless.
So the obvious answer here is to pick the highest priority and start with that, then add the other things in descending priority order. What's first? That answer is easy: Serving God in this order:
1. Study
2. Meetings
3. Prayer
4. Service.
This is a year long effort to get these things done. Each one is a multi faceted effort. To sustain this I must have the drugs so block B is:
1. Schedule Analyst
2. Schedule Shrink
Now block B is unsustainable without cash which is unsustainable without a job which won't continue without study so Block C is
1. Study HC'
2. Study Mgt
3. Study CS
Of course all this time commitment can't be sustained with the same old flabby self so block D has to focus around keeping my self in shape to be able to focus his higher mental effort. This becomes:
1. Join a Gym
2. Establish and keep a week day exercise regimen
3. Get bikes in order - weekday ride to work
4. Weekend Exploring Rides.
The social skill training mentioned earlier, I just have to ignore that. It should come with block A but it never has in a long term sustained manner. Of course I have never done block A in a long term sustained manner.
Bottom line seems to be that I cannot make the needed changes. I know that in real life I can make the changes. I can get my life back on track, because while God does let us be tested, he doesn't allow test beyond our limits. So the tests I have encountered were passable. I just simply failed. I don't love God enough to be the person he wants me to be. That takes coordinated effort. It takes prioritization. It takes commitment and sacrifice. I fail by all these measures. How to change? With a project plan, priorities and objectives. In other words planned and focused effort, bit by bit over a long time.
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