Decisions Decisions . . .

Today I am right on the fence - again.  I started studying my Watchtower, but I am making plans to see both Grace and Taylor.  We will see if I can keep up studying the Watchtower for the remainder of the week.  Who knows??  While I want to have things more than experiences with these escorts, I could feel a huge sense of relief in communicating with Grace and want to feel that again.  However when I compare it to a new Watch, the durable good wins out every time.  I think, though that this is a mistake. I have a huge amount of durable goods and they don't serve me well at all.  I felt something palpable talking to Grace.  I want to say that I need more of that.  Truthfully, it is not a real need.  If it were a real need and if I was doing God's will consistently, he would in due course provide it.  Anyway I set the expectation with the escort that is only that in the strict sense of the word.  The plan is to have dinner, talk, enjoy each other's company and part ways (with her richer and me poorer.)  Why would I pay for this?  Because I can't seem to get it any other way.

I signed up for speed dating but didn't show.  I will try meeting Tatum and Grace again.  Maybe after that I will have my ego pumped enough to be able to face a series of different strangers who are not being paid to be nice to me.  Its pathetic, but for right now, that's me, and there's no denying it.

I also started fasting again (all of 17 hours in.)  I did for about 12 days last month.  But gained it all back (just like the web site said I would.)  I need to go back on the 1000 calorie diet after about 6 weeks of fasting.  That would put me starting to eat again in September.  Last time I fasted for a long time I got tripped up when I read a web site that proclaimed muscle loss due to fasting.  OK, I know that's true.  But fasting worked for me.  I could keep it up.  When I came off the fast, I didn't have a plan so I went back to random eating, not the strict calorie counting I did around this time last year.  So I have to Fast, then go to planned eating.

So yes, in addition to my obsessing about finding friends (even if I have to pay them for it,) I am also obsessing about loosing weight.  No choice there though,  I am truly sick unto death of my physique.  It felt really good to finally see my belly shrinking.  I want more of that too.