Resignation

No, I'm not resigning from the company, unless a yet unknown forced resignation is approaching.  I am simply resigned to the fact that I am not one of those for whom Jesus Christ died and gave his life.  He died everyone (including me) in that I now have an opportunity for a better life, however that better life is granted to those who do God's will even though they can only do so imperfectly.

I am so ashamed of myself.  I was raised going to a Kingdom Hall (church) but did not follow the advice and now here I am,  paying for dates with an escort in order to get some companionship.  How far I have fallen, (though not from a mighty perch.)

So I have 2 nights at a hotel this weekend.  I had planned to use them when an escort was visiting.  However since those plans "fell through" and my offer to meet others were not yet accepted, I intended to stay at home.  I learned this AM that my ex wants to do something.  As soon as I find out what is going on, then maybe I can salvage the weekend.  It is so typical for the ex to act like she is helping others when she is really helping herself.  She's an expert at that.

So I have decided to go back to seeing my therapist and psychiatrist.  With all the junk I have been buying recently,  It is a cheaper option, in spite of the rather considerable expense.  This is all so difficult.  It shouldn't be, but it is.  It is as though my mind has been dulled so that I cannot view my situation like a dispassionate observer, rather I am like a drowning beach goer caught in a rip-tide.  I can't swim well and now I am panicking.  Making the situation worse, not only for myself, but also for those who would otherwise try to save me.

I have heard the Siren's song of Satan's system and have been lured into crashing my vessel against its rocks.  I have attempted repairs only to crash again, and again.  I feel I am about to break into kindling this weekend.  Pieces too small to ever be reassembled into a vessel again.  Thus will end my hopes of being a good Christian.  Preferring a brief and scarred existence over God's promise of something far better.  I asked for God's help so many times, I must conclude that I just don't really want his help, or perhaps more to the point, I don't want the help he provides.  What a blow.   What a bad situation, practically unrecoverable.