So what's the plan? What's the strategy for getting out of this mess. Well, I clearly don't have one. I am still reaching out in 2 directions. Studying my Watchtower and making appointment with an escort. While I don't intend on anything near a df offence with Tatum, I know that it can't be a good thing that I am doing this, and that I must be hurting myself to continue. I just want to die. Not because I really don't want to live anymore, it is just that this life seems to be prolonging my death. God provides the way out, but it is so frustrating that I haven't been acceptable to God in like forever.
Grace will by by in August, and yup, I'll be there when she lands. This is my only social life. I hate that, but there it is. I am going to take another run at this Speed Dating thing. I also joined another on line group that occasionally does stuff together. We'll see how that goes. I am skeptical and nervous about attending anything, but oh well. So it goes.
So why am I studying my Watchtower? Because that's the only real solution. That's the only path to happiness. The rest is either immediately painful, or pleasurable in the short run and painful in the long run. And deadly in the long run with 100% certainty. So studying my Watchtower is the only way out.
It seems as though that once I start studying the Bible, reading it and other Bible study materials, I should start to like it. It seems as though there should be a natural migration to a way of life that is enjoyable and fulfilling. I don't understand why that didn't happen. It seems as though I was actually improving in measurable and in demonstrable steps. But I failed. Once it was clear that no one wanted to talk to me and that I remained anathema to the rest of the congregation, I gave up. God would have given me the strength to continue, but I gave up, fell on my face, and retreated to Satan's world to lick my wounds (and create new ones.) I know I will make another attempt to get back in the truth.
Maybe I need to literally create a project plan, with milestones and time lines. That might make this possible. It could lay out a path that I could follow and then see my progress as time moves along. I know I am likely to fall off the plan, but I think that's my only hope. Seeing the escorts is a step in the wrong direction. I know I want to not feel continued pain at the lack of attention and affection from those from whom I crave it. This dulls that pain and gives me something to look forward to. But I know it's fake and that it won't continue; to the contrary it will hurt me. But I will dull my thirst with seawater, and just hope that I don't swallow enough to kill me.
I suppose I could go to the "Brothers" and pour my soul out to them and ask for their help. Maybe I would if I hadn't done so before. It seems that asking them for help is an exercise in futility. They truly don't seem to know how to help. And even when they pretend as though they do, their "assistance" only leads to bitter disappointment since poorly thought out, weakly provided and lacks any follow through. It is like they just don't care. I know they must if they are really elders. It just doesn't seem that way. I am sure that it's me that is seeing a distorted view of things. I just need to put my head down and do God's will whole heartedly and then the joy will surely follow.
It has got to hurt first as Satan makes my life miserable. But then God will come through, whenever he sees fit to do so; another test of loyalty. But the reward is life, an excellent exchange by any measure. I wish that exchange was enough to motivate me to sustained action. Thus far it hasn't been.
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