Random Thoughts

I know I am going to try again.  I just had the opportunity for ess eee cross handed to me and I turned it down.  While one reason is the source was not very compelling (and is probably a majority factor) the other is that I didn't want to have to petition (again) a committee of men for forgiveness for having sinned thusly.  I figured that I would have to get disfellowshipped and reinstated if this were to happen.

The other escort (Taylor) is a non-started -- just too expensive.  I don't have the money for that.  Actually I didn't have money for the first one but, oh well.  She, Grace (the first one) finally responded to my email wherein I said:  "I had a great time last night." She wants to meet again but this time with a 2 hour public 2 hour private session.  This would be $1,400 dollars worth of  consultation. Not sure if I can do that since I really don't want to get booted out of the congregation.  I am sure I will meet with her anyway since I am still lonely.  Maybe I will do a 5 hour public session and take her to a ball game.  That would be $1,000 still.  It's cheaper than Avery.  For cryin' out loud.  this is just really expensive.  I can't keep this up.

My hope is to get some good results from the Speed Dating .  We'll see  .  .  .

So I am giving more thought to turning back to God.  It seems like I am getting kind of close to actually going over the edge.  Also I am losing the internal revulsion for the people there; that always seems to happen with the passage of time.  So maybe we give this another try and wind it up again.  Maybe next week we start with renewing the study so that on the following week we can get to the Sunday meeting at least.  God would like that.  To the best of my knowledge he won't be satisfied with it if Armageddon started tomorrow, or next week, or next month for that matter.  But, it is better to start digging my way out of this mess than to dig myself into a much deeper (post coitus) hole.

Without much motivation, this will be tough.  Need to lose weight as well.  And clean my apartment.  I guess, all told, I need to go back to my analyst and psychiatrist.  I don't know why I stopped.  It was unwise to do so.

This post is turning into a pile-up.  I just can't focus.  I started this before going on vacation and now I am back from vacation.  A grand poorer and feeling like I was just starting to think about relaxing when I had to come back to work.  I am both tired and excited.  Work is exciting now (for the first time in years) but I am always sleepy; I think I need to start taking sleeping pills.

Need to join a gym.  Need to blah, blah, blah.  I need to prioritize and focus.  That's for sure.