Trouble

My head hurts, my stomach isn't in knots yet but it soon will be.  I have a meeting with a new escort, Taylor, on Sunday.  I'll start getting ready at 10:00 am when church starts.  I am watching a knife pierce my flesh a second time.  A third time is scheduled.  I have not chosen to cease stabbing myself.  I want to let go but I cannot seem to do so.  What have I done!!??

I didn't tell Grace about my ex who expressed an interest in knowing this escort as well.  She (my ex) is bi-curious and likes the website Grace has.  I wanted my ex to give me her read on Grace.  I don't want to be responsible for her diving further under water.  She is already nearly dead.  This is the worst I have felt in a long time.  I need to get back on the meds.  This is killing me.

I long for the ability to quickly assess, plan and execute in moving myself in the desired direction.  Now all three skills have been compromised by this damn depression.  It is made worse by my lack of social contact and has driven me underground as I reach out to this world for help.  Both legitimately and otherwise.  My therapist is suggesting relationships that I know good and well I am not ready for.  Yet I crave some sort of contact and it makes me move in that direction.  This whole escort thing is just playing with fire.  I know I can't do so and not get burned.  How can I back out at this point?  My head is screaming "Mark get out of there"  my heart is reasoning "It will be ok this time.  I don't intend for anything to go wrong."  I am just in real trouble.

The only people that could really help have been such a disappointment that I just can't see myself going back to them.  It's weird;  they are supposed to be this shelter in the rain (earlier blog post.)  I hate that I can't.  I want to blame someone and there they are, around but uninvolved.  Perfect target to blame.  Except that that would be just wrong.  I know where the blame correctly rests, as I have stated many times earlier.

Maybe I just need a new psychiatrist who is willing to dispense the meds without me having to pay an analyst.  I don't know if that's possible.  I don't know if I have strength to make that appointment.  I cannot even make an eye doctor appointment.  Much less a dentist appointment.  God I have just let myself go to hell figuratively, and soon literally.

This blog helps a bit.  "Depression's Second Punch" (April 2013) describes what this.  This is serving as the outlet that was handled by the Anguish Writing earlier.  The huge difference is that It would be many months and sometimes years between these expressions in younger years.  Now it is several times monthly, and recently it has been daily.  Once done, I can go back and do other things, so it is at least mildly cathartic.  Well, there is only a couple of usable hours left in the day today.  Let me see if I can put them to good use.