Dream State

And here we go again,  Another work day starting and I am absolutely dead on my feet.  I am dropping into sleep unknowingly.  Just typing along and I drop into a dream state.

On this last time I was elevated (physically) and the put in the cockpit of a Japanese Zero fighter ready to attack something.  Then I realize that the fighter is on the side of the US.   Then I fall back into dream state and find myself in the war zone.  This time I am still away from the main camp.  Next I am a smallish boy wanting to eat breakfast.  My father, a great man, appears on horseback in a tent but the horse dies plunging forward.  Though my eyes there is no blood, just the front of the horse is has disappeared.  Then we have let. Now I am spectator watching someone (a dad).  Next I am in the army watching some hospital.  I am just all over the map, but I sense premeds basically they want to play doctor when they grow up.  So are they all perverts?  And someone is dead, with red eyes and a wife is very sad & afraid.   Then the man is an alien, and we are having to negotiate with him to leave you alone.  Then my father (unrecognized to me) appears in an extremely racially stereotypical environment playing baseball indoors with a frying pan for a bat.  Wow, that's weird.  But that's what you get when you are partially awake in the morning and your fingers are on the keyboard.

Then I am a late teenager going out to fix something.  I am leading the charge and my white sidekick will follow me.  I get close to my objective and a part of me is cast into a tree and tries to haul me up  by my long tail.  The tail breaks off.  I am just mildly irritated -- SNAFU.   Now the man goes back to his dead wife in repose in his house and imagines a huge explosion ending in a mushroom cloud.  A sound technician is asked to add the FX and grins and reaches for its store.  Then they come up to the next sorte and get ready to fire bomb it as well.  Yelling into the pig curing basement.  And a young early 20's girl is struggling to get out to add the strength of mind and resolve to win the fight.

The captain recons today the enemy has ridden marauding over the seas.  And his determination to heave it.  He escapes from the window realizing that the police want to lock him up and deny the call on which I ask forgiveness.  "Is that all?"  they reply who (apparently) is my mother.  My wife struggles to stay alive and wants to reach for and do something but she only manages a last silent look.  Unmemorable and blank.  Not how I would want to remember her.  There the movie ends.

Time for another coffee.

So a a few hours some light headedness and a serious hot flash later I realize that taking 225 mg of Wellbutrin isn't a good idea if you have been off it for a while.  I should take the remaining pills and break them into thirds (1/3) or smaller!

Turning the Boat

I am just a dingy in the waters of life but I handle like a freighter, that is to say it is difficult to turn myself away from the wrong course; really it is hard to turn toward goodness in any form, except maybe very short term good like cake, relaxation or sex.  I guess that is true for many people, but they are blessed (cursed?) by not knowing what the right course is.  They are still blinded by others who tell them how well they are doing in the course they have chosen.  Sometimes all they get is comradery of those of the same ilk.  But this is not about them, it's about me.

I know better; it is clear what I should be doing - serving God.   The reward is the best, the enjoyment of life is the best.  I just can't seem to cross the chasm between my current life and the life that I should be leading.

Thinking further, I know that my life apart from the depression management drugs doesn't work right.  I have to get back to the pill popping paradigm before I can return to normal.  I have to see my analyst; I have to see my shrink.  I am sick in the head and need the drugs to think and act rationally.  I just have to find a way to get that done.  I'll add it to the to-do list.

Oh, and serving God,  I have to do that too.  Let me add that to the list as well.  And I can't forget about personal development,  studying about management and technical topics, and scientific items.  Of course there is also social development, I must squeeze that in.  Oh and lest I forget there is also the studying needed to serve God - 10 hours a week minimum there.  Of course I can't do all this without some physical training.  So I need to sign up and start going to the gym again.  And so you see dear reader, I am hopeless.

So the obvious answer here is to pick the highest priority and start with that, then add the other things in descending priority order.  What's first?  That answer is easy:  Serving God in this order:

1. Study
2. Meetings
3. Prayer
4. Service.

This is a year long effort to get these things done.  Each one is a multi faceted effort.  To sustain this I must have the drugs so block B is:

1. Schedule Analyst
2. Schedule Shrink

Now block B is unsustainable without cash which is unsustainable without a job which won't continue without study so Block C is

1. Study HC'
2. Study Mgt
3. Study CS

Of course all this time commitment can't be sustained with the same old flabby self so block D has to focus around keeping my self in shape to be able to focus his higher mental effort.  This becomes:

1. Join a Gym
2. Establish and keep a week day exercise regimen
3. Get bikes in order - weekday ride to work
4. Weekend Exploring Rides.

The social skill training mentioned earlier, I just have to ignore that.  It should come with block A but it never has in a long term sustained manner.  Of course I have never done block A in a long term sustained manner.

Bottom line seems to be that I cannot make the needed changes.  I know that in real life I can make the changes.  I can get my life back on track, because while God does let us be tested, he doesn't allow test beyond our limits.  So the tests I have encountered were passable.  I just simply failed.  I don't love God enough to be the person he wants me to be. That takes coordinated effort.  It takes prioritization.  It takes commitment and sacrifice.  I fail by all these measures.  How to change?  With a project plan, priorities and objectives.  In other words planned and focused effort, bit by bit over a long time.

Tired & Still Descending

Aw hell, this is bad.  I am about to fall out of my chair I am so sleepy.  I am not sleeping right at home, I need medication to be able to get a good night sleep these days.  I am sure that if I got enough exercise, this would be a non issue.  But I don't get enough sleep and I am about to fall off my chair now.

I don't know why the insomnia hit last night.  I  woke up around midnight and could not (did not) get more than an hour of sleep after that.  I am doing that thing where if I sit too still and stare at a given item too long, then I will zone out behind my eyes.  It's awful.  I hate this.

Take the pills tonight you idiot.  For cryin' out loud.  Deal with this!

Anyway so I was looking at the situation a few weeks out.  I can get a room at a good hotel for around 150 per night.  That's a great rate for being in DC.  Grace will be in town and I could "make a weekend of it in DC like I did earlier.  It could be really fun, if we stay in another part of town, and spend Saturday and Sunday nights.  This would be interesting b/c Grace is bi and my ex-wife is bi-curious.  This could be the ménage à trois that I have been wanting for decades.  But then, do I want to be responsible for DC's further fall into sin -- no.  This isn't going to happen and I'm not gonna tell here that Grace is in town as I promised earlier.

That is the right decision.  In any case I'll end up spending about 4 hours with her which will cost me about 850 bucks (not including the 280 dollar ticket to the show I bought for her.  Oh well, it is all a part of buying experiences rather than more stuff.  I don't expect Grace to be much more than pleasant - fulfilling her stated objective.  I don't think she will try to coax me into more than that for which I had planned.  I am dead sure she won't.  I am rather sure I would not be able to resist if she really tried.  Right now I don't intend to bring enough cash for a longer than planned engagement.

Here I am thinking about this going foreword.  It is what I dream about.  Basically the only pleasant thing I will be thinking about in the next several weeks.  Maybe I can use the uplift to get some work done around the house.  I don't think that's possible..  I hate who I am and what I have become.  I am so thoroughly ashamed of what I have turned myself into.

Where am I going.  Right now, straight to hell.  I want to change the course (in a manner of speaking). but then again, we all do exactly what we want to in most situations, even if our doing so is mostly to belie our own feelings or inclinations for the purpose of the social advantage of others watching our selection.

Very few of us subjugate our own wants to those of a higher power for altruistic motives.  How would you ever know if this is what you were doing.  Given the propensity for people to fool themselves, thoroughly, I don't know how you could be sure unless you had a guide book that told you all the right answers.  Something like, dare I say it given how vehemently I have opposed its direction, the Bible.

You are a real piece of work dude.  You really have outdone yourself.

The Call

Friday I was feeling anxious, moist palms, occasional shudders; all of these I experienced.  I was planning to meet with Taylor - providing myself another instance where I would treat myself to a hugely positive thing for my ego.  I was going to do something rather than buying stuff.  I wasn't sure if this was such a good idea,  but I have lots of stuff and I'm not happy.

The moment was last night.  The weekend was basically a bust (as it usually is) with me laying around the house eating and watching TV.  Sunday I kept a close eye on the clock so as not to be late and jumped in the shower on time and was out the door with time to spare.  Enroute to my exciting rendezvous I got a note from the escort saying she had made other plans, because I didn't confirm in the morning.  

Then I thought, no, I have been in constant touch with her long before today and I figured maybe she meant to send this note to someone else.  I anticipated that, any minute now, she will realize her error and send a note apologizing and I would be able to say:  "No problem:  I'm here anyway!"  So I sent a note asking about the supposed confirmation I was suppose to provide.  She responded, there was no mistake, she just threw me over again.

Of course, had I known a same day confirmation was necessary, I would have.  But I didn't and she cancelled in favor of another (probably more generous) client.  After I received the note I thought of getting off the public transport at the next stop and heading back.OK, that's it for Taylor.  Cancelled on me a second time now.  No more.  I did send a nice note suggesting that if she is so in demand, she should raise her price.  It won't affect me.  I'll not see her again.  So again, my date is a bust.  This is getting old.

So, I am just now giving some serious thought to what someone looking at this blog must be thinking about its writer, moi.  Let's see, Depressed, really depressed, thinks that formication with a professional will improve the situation (idiot.)  Way into self hate, did I mention depressed, doesn't want to fornicate with his escort !!??  Cant get a date with an escort, what???  Oh, and depressed, into God, but hates his church congregation.  They treat him like he's invisible, and that's his own fault.  Wow!  OK, I am sick, really sick.  I should go back to the doctor again.  Can I make myself place that call?  Well, not so far.

Trouble

My head hurts, my stomach isn't in knots yet but it soon will be.  I have a meeting with a new escort, Taylor, on Sunday.  I'll start getting ready at 10:00 am when church starts.  I am watching a knife pierce my flesh a second time.  A third time is scheduled.  I have not chosen to cease stabbing myself.  I want to let go but I cannot seem to do so.  What have I done!!??

I didn't tell Grace about my ex who expressed an interest in knowing this escort as well.  She (my ex) is bi-curious and likes the website Grace has.  I wanted my ex to give me her read on Grace.  I don't want to be responsible for her diving further under water.  She is already nearly dead.  This is the worst I have felt in a long time.  I need to get back on the meds.  This is killing me.

I long for the ability to quickly assess, plan and execute in moving myself in the desired direction.  Now all three skills have been compromised by this damn depression.  It is made worse by my lack of social contact and has driven me underground as I reach out to this world for help.  Both legitimately and otherwise.  My therapist is suggesting relationships that I know good and well I am not ready for.  Yet I crave some sort of contact and it makes me move in that direction.  This whole escort thing is just playing with fire.  I know I can't do so and not get burned.  How can I back out at this point?  My head is screaming "Mark get out of there"  my heart is reasoning "It will be ok this time.  I don't intend for anything to go wrong."  I am just in real trouble.

The only people that could really help have been such a disappointment that I just can't see myself going back to them.  It's weird;  they are supposed to be this shelter in the rain (earlier blog post.)  I hate that I can't.  I want to blame someone and there they are, around but uninvolved.  Perfect target to blame.  Except that that would be just wrong.  I know where the blame correctly rests, as I have stated many times earlier.

Maybe I just need a new psychiatrist who is willing to dispense the meds without me having to pay an analyst.  I don't know if that's possible.  I don't know if I have strength to make that appointment.  I cannot even make an eye doctor appointment.  Much less a dentist appointment.  God I have just let myself go to hell figuratively, and soon literally.

This blog helps a bit.  "Depression's Second Punch" (April 2013) describes what this.  This is serving as the outlet that was handled by the Anguish Writing earlier.  The huge difference is that It would be many months and sometimes years between these expressions in younger years.  Now it is several times monthly, and recently it has been daily.  Once done, I can go back and do other things, so it is at least mildly cathartic.  Well, there is only a couple of usable hours left in the day today.  Let me see if I can put them to good use.

Getting In Deeper

So it's day 3 of my resolution to study the Watchtower.  I made it through the first 2 days and struggling (though not too hard) today.  I better get to it.  But alas there is other work that needs attention.  I have a presentation today and that's far more important than my everlasting fate.  For cryin' out loud, I am so very stupid!  There ought to be a law.  Oops, there is, God's law.  I broke it; and will probably die as a result.

So I didn't study the Watchtower yesterday or today.  I did however get another Bose Jewel Cube in the mail, part of my plan to get more stuff -- a home theatre system.  God, when will I ever learn?  I also bought $500+ dollars worth of tickets (that would be 2) for a play to which I invited my  escort, Grace to be followed by dinner.  Ummm let's see, 550 (tickets) + 1150 (escort) + 150 (dinner) + 20 (Misc.) = 1,880.  Damn, I better have a good time!  Of course that's only the material cost.  I'll be paying a higher price insofar as my relationship to God (what's left of it) is concerned.

It's a day later and the escort, Grace is joining me for the show - Great!  I am really looking forward to a great time.  And at the same time dreading the consequences.  I don't know what they will be but I am sure they will be unpleasant.  Makes one wonder if it's worth it.  Of course not.  However, the hook is set.  going forward I will be a fish fighting the line.  But really, I guess I've been doing that for 22 years now.  Multiple hooks, multiple lines.  I am finished.

The Plan

So what's the plan?  What's the strategy for getting out of this mess.  Well, I clearly don't have one.  I am still reaching out in 2 directions.  Studying my Watchtower and making appointment with an escort.  While I don't intend on anything near a df offence with Tatum, I know that it can't be a good thing that I am doing this, and that I must be hurting myself to continue.  I just want to die.  Not because I really don't want to live anymore, it is just that this life seems to be prolonging my death.  God provides the way out, but it is so frustrating that I haven't been acceptable to God in like forever.

Grace will by by in August, and yup, I'll be there when she lands.  This is my only social life.  I hate that, but there it is.  I am going to take another run at this Speed Dating thing.  I also joined another on line group that occasionally does stuff together.  We'll see how that goes.  I am skeptical and nervous about attending anything, but oh well.  So it goes.

So why am I studying my Watchtower?  Because that's the only real solution.  That's the only path to happiness.  The rest is either immediately painful, or pleasurable in the short run and painful in the long run.  And deadly in the long run with 100% certainty.  So studying my Watchtower is the only way out.

It seems as though that once I start studying the Bible, reading it and other Bible study materials, I should start to like it.  It seems as though there should be a natural migration to a way of life that is enjoyable and fulfilling.  I don't understand why that didn't happen.  It seems as though I was actually improving in measurable and in demonstrable steps.  But I failed.  Once it was clear that no one wanted to talk to me and that I remained anathema to the rest of the congregation, I gave up.  God would have given me the strength to continue, but I gave up, fell on my face, and retreated to Satan's world to lick my wounds (and create new ones.)  I know I will make another attempt to get back in the truth.

Maybe I need to literally create a project plan, with milestones and time lines.  That might make this possible.  It could lay out a path that I could follow and then see my progress as time moves along.  I know I am likely to fall off the plan, but I think that's my only hope.  Seeing the escorts is a step in the wrong direction.  I know I want to not feel continued pain at the lack of attention and affection from those from whom I crave it.  This dulls that pain and gives me something to look forward to.  But I know it's fake and that it won't continue; to the contrary it will hurt me.  But I will dull my thirst with seawater, and just hope that I don't swallow enough to kill me.

I suppose I could go to the "Brothers" and pour my soul out to them and ask for their help.  Maybe I would if I hadn't done so before.  It seems that asking them for help is an exercise in futility.  They truly don't seem to know how to help.  And even when they pretend as though they do, their "assistance" only leads to bitter disappointment since poorly thought out, weakly provided and lacks any follow through. It is like they just don't care.  I know they must if they are really elders.  It just doesn't seem that way.  I am sure that it's me that is seeing a distorted view of things.  I just need to put my head down and do God's will whole heartedly and then the joy will surely follow.

It has got to hurt first as Satan makes my life miserable.  But then God will come through, whenever he sees fit to do so; another test of loyalty.  But the reward is life, an excellent exchange by any measure.  I wish that exchange was enough to motivate me to sustained action.  Thus far it hasn't been.

Decisions Decisions . . .

Today I am right on the fence - again.  I started studying my Watchtower, but I am making plans to see both Grace and Taylor.  We will see if I can keep up studying the Watchtower for the remainder of the week.  Who knows??  While I want to have things more than experiences with these escorts, I could feel a huge sense of relief in communicating with Grace and want to feel that again.  However when I compare it to a new Watch, the durable good wins out every time.  I think, though that this is a mistake. I have a huge amount of durable goods and they don't serve me well at all.  I felt something palpable talking to Grace.  I want to say that I need more of that.  Truthfully, it is not a real need.  If it were a real need and if I was doing God's will consistently, he would in due course provide it.  Anyway I set the expectation with the escort that is only that in the strict sense of the word.  The plan is to have dinner, talk, enjoy each other's company and part ways (with her richer and me poorer.)  Why would I pay for this?  Because I can't seem to get it any other way.

I signed up for speed dating but didn't show.  I will try meeting Tatum and Grace again.  Maybe after that I will have my ego pumped enough to be able to face a series of different strangers who are not being paid to be nice to me.  Its pathetic, but for right now, that's me, and there's no denying it.

I also started fasting again (all of 17 hours in.)  I did for about 12 days last month.  But gained it all back (just like the web site said I would.)  I need to go back on the 1000 calorie diet after about 6 weeks of fasting.  That would put me starting to eat again in September.  Last time I fasted for a long time I got tripped up when I read a web site that proclaimed muscle loss due to fasting.  OK, I know that's true.  But fasting worked for me.  I could keep it up.  When I came off the fast, I didn't have a plan so I went back to random eating, not the strict calorie counting I did around this time last year.  So I have to Fast, then go to planned eating.

So yes, in addition to my obsessing about finding friends (even if I have to pay them for it,) I am also obsessing about loosing weight.  No choice there though,  I am truly sick unto death of my physique.  It felt really good to finally see my belly shrinking.  I want more of that too.

Random Thoughts

I know I am going to try again.  I just had the opportunity for ess eee cross handed to me and I turned it down.  While one reason is the source was not very compelling (and is probably a majority factor) the other is that I didn't want to have to petition (again) a committee of men for forgiveness for having sinned thusly.  I figured that I would have to get disfellowshipped and reinstated if this were to happen.

The other escort (Taylor) is a non-started -- just too expensive.  I don't have the money for that.  Actually I didn't have money for the first one but, oh well.  She, Grace (the first one) finally responded to my email wherein I said:  "I had a great time last night." She wants to meet again but this time with a 2 hour public 2 hour private session.  This would be $1,400 dollars worth of  consultation. Not sure if I can do that since I really don't want to get booted out of the congregation.  I am sure I will meet with her anyway since I am still lonely.  Maybe I will do a 5 hour public session and take her to a ball game.  That would be $1,000 still.  It's cheaper than Avery.  For cryin' out loud.  this is just really expensive.  I can't keep this up.

My hope is to get some good results from the Speed Dating .  We'll see  .  .  .

So I am giving more thought to turning back to God.  It seems like I am getting kind of close to actually going over the edge.  Also I am losing the internal revulsion for the people there; that always seems to happen with the passage of time.  So maybe we give this another try and wind it up again.  Maybe next week we start with renewing the study so that on the following week we can get to the Sunday meeting at least.  God would like that.  To the best of my knowledge he won't be satisfied with it if Armageddon started tomorrow, or next week, or next month for that matter.  But, it is better to start digging my way out of this mess than to dig myself into a much deeper (post coitus) hole.

Without much motivation, this will be tough.  Need to lose weight as well.  And clean my apartment.  I guess, all told, I need to go back to my analyst and psychiatrist.  I don't know why I stopped.  It was unwise to do so.

This post is turning into a pile-up.  I just can't focus.  I started this before going on vacation and now I am back from vacation.  A grand poorer and feeling like I was just starting to think about relaxing when I had to come back to work.  I am both tired and excited.  Work is exciting now (for the first time in years) but I am always sleepy; I think I need to start taking sleeping pills.

Need to join a gym.  Need to blah, blah, blah.  I need to prioritize and focus.  That's for sure.

Resignation

No, I'm not resigning from the company, unless a yet unknown forced resignation is approaching.  I am simply resigned to the fact that I am not one of those for whom Jesus Christ died and gave his life.  He died everyone (including me) in that I now have an opportunity for a better life, however that better life is granted to those who do God's will even though they can only do so imperfectly.

I am so ashamed of myself.  I was raised going to a Kingdom Hall (church) but did not follow the advice and now here I am,  paying for dates with an escort in order to get some companionship.  How far I have fallen, (though not from a mighty perch.)

So I have 2 nights at a hotel this weekend.  I had planned to use them when an escort was visiting.  However since those plans "fell through" and my offer to meet others were not yet accepted, I intended to stay at home.  I learned this AM that my ex wants to do something.  As soon as I find out what is going on, then maybe I can salvage the weekend.  It is so typical for the ex to act like she is helping others when she is really helping herself.  She's an expert at that.

So I have decided to go back to seeing my therapist and psychiatrist.  With all the junk I have been buying recently,  It is a cheaper option, in spite of the rather considerable expense.  This is all so difficult.  It shouldn't be, but it is.  It is as though my mind has been dulled so that I cannot view my situation like a dispassionate observer, rather I am like a drowning beach goer caught in a rip-tide.  I can't swim well and now I am panicking.  Making the situation worse, not only for myself, but also for those who would otherwise try to save me.

I have heard the Siren's song of Satan's system and have been lured into crashing my vessel against its rocks.  I have attempted repairs only to crash again, and again.  I feel I am about to break into kindling this weekend.  Pieces too small to ever be reassembled into a vessel again.  Thus will end my hopes of being a good Christian.  Preferring a brief and scarred existence over God's promise of something far better.  I asked for God's help so many times, I must conclude that I just don't really want his help, or perhaps more to the point, I don't want the help he provides.  What a blow.   What a bad situation, practically unrecoverable.

Expensive Dinner

Taylor, the escort who ditched me in favor of a yacht cruise wrote back indicating that her plans fell through.  So I am rather confused now.  Was the cruise real?  If so why did it take her a week after it was supposed to start to tell me that it "fell through" even though she was supposed to leave a week before she tells me that the plans have fallen through.   The notion of getting a more valuable client is  real and I suppose that would be a reason for adjustment.  I'll never know the truth.

Taylor seems like  smart gal but how much is an act.  Probably all of it since that is part of what I am paying for.  The cost $800 is very high and I could outfit my bedroom with a really cool sound system for that price.  Still, this is something I have done only once before and it turned out really well.

Is what Taylor offers worth $800, especially since I found someone that can offer what I was looking for at 60% of the cost Taylor charges?  No probably not.  I am not rich and don't have this kind of money available for recurring expenditures.  Ultimately I'd rather have the sound system.  I'm doing the speed dating anyway.  Another perspective would be really cool, but it just costs too much.

Maybe I could justify it as a once in a lifetime experience.  I look at TV and realize that the women I see there are what I really admire.  Still, they are just out of my league.  I'll never have a dinner with one of these type women unless I change.  Could having an expensive dinner with an escort be enough to inspire that change in me?  Maybe, but women of that calibre are looking for someone other than me.  It is so late in the game, I think I am just going to skip it all.  I lose again.

I just have  to get myself in order.  I have lost nearly 10 years of my life over this divorce.  I have to break free of the death spiral I am in.  I see no way out; I am going down.