So I am just a piece of excrement unceremoniously extruded from a dog's anus. I am all grown up and now I am growing old. When I was young, I thought I was some hot shit. I have now come to realize that I am nothing more than a steaming pile.
There was a company "thing" recently (typical this time of year.) No one seemed to want to talk to me. Yes I was late and all the tables were taken. No one with an excuse to do something else would acknowledge me. I wasn't totally ignored when I broke into a couple of conversations. It was telling though when shortly after breaking into a conversation with two other people, they both decided they needed to get something to eat, leaving me standing alone.
Something weird is going on at church. About one per meeting, someone is speaks to me. Not engaging in conversations but at least they say something. I can't tell if this is a change in their attitude fundamentally or if it is because my kid started coming to the meetings with me. Everyone used to like my kid. But once my kid was kicked out for breaking the rules then people stopped talking to me as well. That doesn't totally explain it though. My kid was coming with me to church for several weeks. That all went to crap though. what worries me about the current situation is that I really believe it will stop soon enough. It always has in the past. This never lasts.
I have begun to really loathe my situation, who I am, what hangs over me. I just want this to be over, but it won't end. And when the end does come it will be slow and painful and embarrassing and humiliating. I just can't get up, can't climb out, can't move hardly at all. And when God finds me in that position he is going to know that I really could have done better and to the best of my ability to understand his expectations and the consequences of their failure, he will kill me.
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